http://www.makepovertyhistory.org iBlog: August 2008

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Sunday, August 31, 2008

Arickrolledn00bsayswhat?

Saturday, August 30, 2008

So it's been 12 years 3 months and 15 days since Top Gun was released

So in tribute I thought I'd do a quick plot summary of what is arguably the best film ever made...

We start off an an aircraft carrier. Think if it like a Citroen Picasso for planes that sails around the world waiting for things to fight.

One day some bastards from another country (they don't speak English so it's not really important where they're from apparently) fly in with their black planes and wind up the captain with the fat cigar. So he sends out some F14s to kick their asses.

Maverick and his `WING MAN` Goose blow things up and take a poleroid that probably looked well good but you couldn't see it because it was classified. Neither could the woman later on who Maverick had a problem with but then later did sex with.

When Maverick and his `WING MAN` Goose come back, the captain with the cartoon cigar explains to them:

``You're writing checks [sic] your body[s] can't cash! Gentlemen, you're going to top gun!``


In an irate tone, but Maverick and his `WING MAN` Goose don't mind because they're gentlemen who are going to Top Gun.

So they go out and celebrate in a bar and Maverick tries to chat up a girl called Charlotte but because she hangs around with milatary men a lot she calls herself Charlie so they think she's one of the lads. She bats of Maverick so he and lots of men sing

``you've lost that loooooving feeeeeling... woooaaahhh that looooving feeeeling. you've lost that LLOOOOVVVVing feeling now it's gone.... gone... gone, woah. Dum, da dum, da dum, da dum dum``

And they leave it there and while she looks bashful and embarassed, Maverick makes some smooth moves on her.

The next day they all go to Top Gun which has an angry soundin general who explains that

``You are the top 1% of pilots in the US navy. You are the best of the best of the best. Gentlemen, welcome to Top Gun``

Then he walks away and another man talks for a bit more while Maverick whispers something to his `WING MAN` Goose that I can't remember.

A short while later, a girl explains to all the pilots about the plane they've all being flying and are in the best 1% of the navy at flying which seems a bit pointless but that's what happened and she explains that the plane can't do something, but Maverick is all like `that plane can do that cuz we dun it!` then she's like `no, shut up`, and he's like `we got a poleroid to prove it but I can't show it to you because it's classified and you're a woman` and they all snigger. (By the way, the woman was Charlie but they didn't know she was working at Top Gun when they all sang to her).

Another pilot - Iceman takes a disliking to this because he respects women. Maverick and his `WING MAN` Goose don't like Iceman because he has a cooler nickname than Maverick and Goose put together. Iceman's wing man is called slider I think so it seems that the wing men aren't allowed names as cool as the pilots.

One of the dog fights results in Maverick writing a check [sic] that his body can't cash so his plane crashes and Goose dies which his sad because earlier that morning Goose had quite proudly said

``I'm your `WING MAN`, Maverick!!!!!!!!!!!``
Which explains why Goose is Maverick's `WING MAN`.

Then Maverick stands in his pants in the bathroom which isn't very appealing but the girls seem to like it and Iceman gives him an awkward pep talk. Maverick's new Wingman Sundown is well excited to be his new `wing man` but because he wasn't as cool as Goose, he's not allowed to be refered to as Maverick's `wing man` with capitol letters.

Anyway, Maverick sort of can't be bothered by now so even when Jester is like `go on, shoot me, wanna shot me? Who's a big pilot?! 'eh? Who's a big pilot?!` in a dog fight, Maverick is like, `pfft, can't really bothered` so he doesn't shoot Jester and Sundown is MAD, but when they get down to earth, Maverick yells at him so it's all okay.

Some more stuff happens and Iceman wins the Top Gun trophy and Maverick ends up with Charlie and the film ends with `you've lost that loving feeling` on the Dukebox which makes you feel happy but then the credits have `highway to the dangerzone` playing which makes you feel manly.

The end.
In memory of Goose

90s Britpop and the demise of my wife's quiet time because I'm bored

When I waked up this morning, my beautiful wife was sitting in the peace of the lounge in the quiet reading a book and drinking tea.

I stomped around being bored so I turned youtube on for some music. To be respectful I kept it quiet, so we/I listened to:

Monaco - What do you want from me
Verve - Lucky man
Lightning seeds - You showed me

Then I started to push my luck with something more interesting

Pulp - Disco 2000
Oasis - Champagne sueprnova

I'm about to play
Blur - Girls and boys

Despite this awesome display of British herritage, I'm still bored so I'm going to try my luck. So I've ranked this playlist from 1 to 10... If I can get past 5 before laura give me evil looks I'll be happy... if I'm stopped at one, I'll just be bored again, If I get to ten I'll check her pulse


1) Stereophonics - Bartender and the thief
2) Manic Street Preachers - A Design For Life
3) Republica - ready to go
4) Supergrass - Pumpin' on your stereo
5) James - Sit down
6) Ocean Colour Scene - Riverboat song
7) Suede - Beautiful ones
8) Chumbawumba - Tubthumuper
9) Prodigy - Smack ma bitch up
10) Cast - Beat mama


P.s - in the time it took me to write that I'm not at #3 and going strong but she's frowning at her book and not me so that's okay

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Writing blogs my memory can't cash...

Okay, so there was:

Maverick
Goose (RIP)
Iceman
Jester
Viper
Cougar
I think there was a Hollywoood????

There were definately more than that, who else have I forgotten?

Profound Thought of Tomorrow

Manly things I did Yesterday
- drove a car steering with my left knee
- smoked a cigarette
- won at need for speed
- lifted turf
- ate two kinds of meat

Unmanly things I did Yesterday
- talked about my manager's daughter and how she made him *feel*
- bought a dvd without boobs
- choose lemonade over ale in the fridge

Wooo - the manlyy has it and thus I am manly

For further reading about manlyness - see Appendix 1.



Appendix:
Appendix 1:

Profound Thought of the Day

At this current moment in time my likes go thus:

1) La

2) Looming holiday starting Friday evening

3) this:

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Lol cats

Right click image, and then view image if it's obscured












Tuesday, August 19, 2008

'Nuff said

Can you spot the eye catching headline?


-----------------------------------

I just love the caption of this picture:


``BBC's Children in Need funded 7/7 terrorist propaganda``

Lol cats

There are simply too many hilarious pitures of these to post so here are a mere few.

Linky Link











Monday, August 18, 2008

Profound Thought of the Day

Here is my pattern for life at the moment:

Wake up
Radio 4 Today programme en route to work
work
Radio 1 Fern Cotton in car at lunch
work
Quiet radio on way home
Make half ass attempt at dinner
Not wash up
Watch iplayer/4OD
Go to bed

I'm thinkin there's probably more to life, I've just got to figure where in my profound and fulfilling schedule to put it... Prolly at the weeknds in between housework, sleeping, and... well, more housework really...

Ho hum. Only 45 years 'til retirement.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

*snigger*




(look at the exhaust)





This is what the internet is all about.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Werking hours and Forklift Driver Klaus (youtube it)

This week I are been mostly:

Driving a Fork Lift Truck that looks like this:


But bigger and with a big ole Gas canister on the back.

Have been seconded into working as a warehouse man in the yard that looks like this:


Which has involved owrking 8-5 mon-fri with weekend off. Has been the first time I've worked office hours since... *je pense* Summer 2006. Has been nice to feel a bit more normal for a change and one hopes to be in a position to carries this on. Maybe I should get another job - or not write that when my boss has this adress. Either way I know my priorities are La and our lil' home and when we have wee Blahlets skimming all over the floor (if they're male, and generally being orderly and lovelly if they're girls) then I'd like to work normal hours then.

Something to bear in mind.

Dear Alfredo

Shalom Alfredo Elliot

Many greetings from here in the Norfolk counties of the UK.

Firstly allow me to detail a little about myself. My name is Benjamin Foster and I am a 32 year old Jew. I haven't always been a Jew - I had my bah-mitzvah last year and my circumstician was not six months ago. But it is not my stout Hebrew penis that needs your attentions today. No, my boy.

To really be a true Semite, I need a strong authorative nose, so that while I count my gold and covet my neighbours posessions, and do all sorts of Bid-e-bid-bum Dickensian/Shakespearian stereotypes things, I can look out with a massive Jewish nose. Therefore - can you confirm that should the patch be applied to the nasal regions, it would promote augmentation of the nose?

Many thanks

Mr Benjamin F Foster

-------------

Subject: From Alfredo Elliott

The Pe ktk n uo is Patch
Pen qfe is Patch will help you expand,
lengthen and en ild lar fm ge your pen wts is and
experience several major changes in your se qks x life! l

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Profound Thought of the Day

... You know I don't think in the day `I should blog that`, these Profound Thoughts of the Day are just me sitting down and then blogging what the first thing that comes into my head is.

Olympic Cycling

Linky Link

Well done to Nicole Cooke. Haven't heard much about her today but she seems the ticket.

Still think we should have sent to race Victoria Pendleton for obvious reasons but first place is first place....


(This picture works f0r me on soo many levels - I go for any girl with a Mavic monocoque carcon five-spoke)

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Dear Eric Pickles

If you don't know who Eric Pickles is, read the post below

Dear Eric Pickles

My names are Ben Foster and I write for a local student newspaper. We are trying to interview as many Shadow Cabinet members as we can, So far we have already spoken to Oliver Letwin who revealed his disdain of David Cameron and we thought you might oblige us with a small e-mail in response to this so we can publish what our reader(s) want to read... (We're not so keen to speak to George Osborne)

1) Who was your biggest influence as a young politician?

2) What was the first CD you ever bought?

3) What is your BMI?

4) When did you first decide you wanted to be a Prime Minister?

5) Has your weight been an issue in canvassing in the past?

6) Is your excessive weight a glandular issue?

7) Who do you think is best equipped to take over from Gordon Brown should he get any worse?

8)a) Do you get jelous of David Cameron for his physique? b) Do you ever ride a bike and have it stolen by Boris Johnson?

9) What's Boris Johnson like in person?

10) How many callories do you intake a day?

Thank kyou for taking the time to respond to this. The readers of `Student Paper` will be ever so delighted. And so will I.

Yours sincerely

Mr Ben Foster

Shadow Cabinet

This lady sounds well cool!

imagine what this woman's business card would read:

``The Baroness Pauline Neville-Jones of Hutton Roof in the County of Cumbria Peer Shadow Security Minister and National Security Adviser to the Leader of the Opposition DCMG``

I'm sure we can shortern `Baroness Pauline Neville-Jones` to `Barry` though.

Still, it's good to see a 68 year old woman still working hard in the tory party. Makes Thatcher look a bit like a quitter really. Especially when you think Barry is basicly Skeletor wearing a man's wig:




Good money offered for anyone who can get me this pensioner's e-mail... she sounds fun!
----
Little While Later
----
wait wait!!!

We have a new fore runner in the prize for best shadow cabinet minister:

I present to you The Rt. Honourable Eric Pickles.

I should really leave it there. I could mention that it's ironical considering the `state of the nation` that he's called `Pickles` and is `Shadow Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government`. Or I could say that Ongar is a silly name for a constituency. I might even go personal and make fun of the way his coller pushes his face up so high it looks like he's struggling to keep his eyes open.

Instead, I choose to focus on how a fat bald man with a bad tie and a name like Pickles in a constituency called Ongar could possibly get a page on the Tory party website. Just goes to show what the Tories stand for... a shameless pride in the embarassing farce that is the Great British culture. The tories represent everything brilliant about being british by representing everything so dire about it! This is why nominating a green tree as the new logo was so silly! Green isn't what Tories are about!

Surely then, in the interests of PR karma, the green party should adopt as their image a semi naked Elgar draped in a Union Jack smoking a pipe with bulldog terrier afoot complaining about the weather and defeating the French and fending off the Germans with a mere cricket bat in one hand and a toby jug of warm beer in t'other.

I would vote for that party.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Things I disagree with...

1) Minimum Mandatory Sentencing

2) Singing in the shower

3) Structuring a sentence as ``right ... yeah? Well you know...``

4) I haven't read the beyond the synopsis of this article but I DEFINATELY disagree with this: Linky Link

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Ben'ny Springer's Final Thought

We can all be subject to these requests for our bank details over e-mails, but it's how we react that define us. Some people get mad and send ranty e-mails back. Some people are dismissive and move to trash hopeing they will give up. But there are a few people. Just a few people who genuinly believe that wasting someone's time and laughing quietly into a keyboard is worth more than measured responses and considered balanced common sense. Such a response pangs of a person who understands the true value of simple pleasures and should - without any moment of pause be considered a hero of our time.

Such people include:
This chap
And him
Oh - and this bloke obviously
And of course - myneself

So next time you get spam through your letterbox - or the next time you need to send an interdepartmental memo at work and you have some more time to kill - or even if you've been rung by a busy telemarketer and it was `such a god-incident for you to phone, I was about to phone [the competitor] because we've been granted this afternoon planning permission for a £65k extension but you jsut can't find the pen so you ask them to ring back in five minutes all evening long` - spare a thought to making the most of the situation and remember - there aint no fun like pushing the boundries of social decorum and common idiocy.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

mis use of [sic]

Brof [sic] Bendullah F. Fosth'ah,
Thanks for your kind understanding of my mail, Meanwhile What you have to do is to fill the application form with your account data's and send it to the bank email address and fax So that bank will immediately transfer the funds into your account.
Write OR call me immediately you send the application to the bank So that I will follow up and advice you of what to do next OK.
+226 78870542 .
May Almighty bless you,
Dr Adamu
BELOW IS THE APPLICATION.

ATTN, MR JOHNSON SMITH,
FOREIGN REMITTANCES / DIRECTOR,
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
Bank E-mail: foriegnremittancedepartment@ymail.com
Bank Fax: +226 50 32 00 71.

APPLYING AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED.

I..........FROM.........HEREBY APPLY TO YOUR BANK AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO YOUR DECEASED CUSTOMER MR RON MORRIS, FROM AMERICA, HOLDER OF ACCOUNT NUMBER BOA/0036101101, PUTTING CLAIM OVER HIS BALANCE WITH YOUR BANK VALUED AT($10.5 MILLION USA DOLLARS) ONLY.

UNTILL HIS SUDDEN DEATH, WE HAVE BEEN BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, JOINTLY IN EXPOSITION AND BUYING OF GOLD AND DIAMOND.THE FUNDS WERE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT THROUGH OUR BANK FOR PURCHASE OF GOLD AND DIAMOND.

SIR, I WISH TO BE INTIMATED ON THE PROCEDURES INVOLVED IN HAVING THIS FUND TRANSFERED INTO MY ACCOUNT AS GIVEN BELOW:
Bank Name:.....................
Address:..........................
Account N...........................
Bank Swift Code................
Beneficiary.......................
PERSONAL INFORMATION.
YOUR ADDRESS.................................
YOUR TELL N°................................
YOUR FAX N°................................
AGE..........................................
OCCUP........................................
E-MAIL ADDRESS...........................

I ALSO APOLOGISE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO APPLY SINCE HIS SUDDEN DEATH IN A PLANE CRASH IT WAS DUE TO SOME FAMILY PROBLEMS WHICH HAVE JUST BEEN SETTLED.

I WISH AN URGENT ATTENTION WILL BE GIVEN TO MY HUMBLE APPLICATION AS THE URGENCY IMPLIES ON THIS MATTER.

THANKS IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR CO-OPERATION.
YOURS SINCERELY.
SIGNATURE AND DATE.

==================================================================================
Dear Dr Adamu

Thank you for your quickly responded response. In our country, it is customary to wait four to six working weeks for a response to any thing. This causes the most problems when on hold to the bank.

You will find thus a completed application form.

You may notice some of my details have changed. This is due to an amalgamation of reasons - namely tax evasion and chronic instability.


SIR, I WISH TO BE INTIMATED ON THE PROCEDURES INVOLVED IN HAVING THIS FUND TRANSFERED INTO MY ACCOUNT AS GIVEN BELOW:
Bank Name:..................... Bank of Norfolk
Address:.......................... 1 Norfolk road, Spalding, NR678 2ND
Account N........................... 987478990
Bank Swift Code................ 08 76 54
Beneficiary.......................
Brof [sic] Bendullah F. Fosth'ah
PERSONAL INFORMATION.
YOUR ADDRESS 182 Beaconsfield Road, Norwich, NR3 4PP
YOUR TELL N° 07890 189 390
YOUR FAX N° N/A due to cat
AGE 32 and a half
OCCUP Drag Queen
E-MAIL ADDRESS admin@googlemail.com

I ALSO APOLOGISE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO APPLY SINCE HIS SUDDEN DEATH IN A PLANE CRASH IT WAS DUE TO SOME FAMILY PROBLEMS WHICH HAVE JUST BEEN SETTLED.

I WISH AN URGENT ATTENTION WILL BE GIVEN TO MY HUMBLE APPLICATION AS THE URGENCY IMPLIES ON THIS MATTER.

THANKS IN ANTICIPATION OF YOUR CO-OPERATION.
YOURS SINCERELY.

It really does sound like an important form and I am excited to be part of this process. Please let me know should there be any illigal or dodgy tooings and froings with this monetery adventure of ours.

Yours with sincerely

Dave Cliffton

Oooh - it continues...

Brof Bendullah F. Fosth'aj,
I am very happy to share this transaction with you. but you must keep everything as top secret and very confidential. The deceased account holder with our bank was MR RON MORRIS American citizen who died with his entire family were among the victims of AIR CRASH SINCE JULY 2003 in benin, He held account number BOA/0036101101 with our bank.Since his death ,his account has been dormant and nobody has applied to our bank for the release of this money to him or her as the next of kin.

As the bill and exchange manager of this bank, i have studied this transaction very carefully and i have noted that there is no risk involved.I am here to protect all your intrests in this transaction until this money hits your account.

My advise to you is to arrange for a receiving bank account into which our bank shall transfer this money in your favor as next of kin and you have nothing to fear since i am here ,i shall be giving you all the developmental information from the bank as soon as the transaction commence. Also note that 14 working days from the date the bank receives your application is enough for the funds to get transferred and the transaction will come to a successful conclusion.

Dear, i hope that you will not disappoint me when this money enters into your account, i have all my hope in this transaction because i shall soon go on retirement, i am a simple banker whose credibility is still intact and with my maturity and understanding,I promise to give the best co-operation. If you are really intertested in this transaction,then we must hurry up so that our bank and government shall not claim and inherit this money because it has over-stayed.

As soon as I hear from you, I will send to you a text of application which you will fill and send to the bank. But before that I will like to be reassured of the manner of person whom I am dealing with because 10.5million U.S.D is not a little money,therefore I have to get certain necessary facts about you before we proceed. Such information I will like to know before we proceed are as follows:
(1) Your age.
(2)Your occupation
(3)Your marital stautus
(4)Your fullresidential address.
(5)Your direct phone and fax numbers.
(6)A copy of Your photo scanned and sent to me by mail.

as soon as I receive these datas, I will forward to you the application form which you will send to the bank. Meanwhile I will like you to know more about myself.

I am a family man with 2 children a girl and a boy.I have decided to do this deal because i have worked in this bank for years without achieving anything due to the corruption in this country.Workers salaries are hardly paid.Its true this country is one of the poorest in the world but the leaders are very wicked and corrupt.Even the Aids we receive from Donor countries as well as the international communities are being diverted into the private pockets of the few in authourity.

Therefore while the rich are getting richer,the poor masses continues to suffer.Could you beleive a bill and exchange manager like myself can't even take good care of my children?I only have a name NOT money or any material possessions.So this is why when i saw this opportunity, i decided to capitalize on it with my position in the bank and i hope with your co-operation,success will be for us.

Pls always keep in touch with me, preferably by phone because i'm a very busy man who has little or no time for internets. So as i've told you i have studied and perfected this transaction before i contacted you..

Finally it's very mandatory that you follow all my instructions to avoid any mistake in this transaction and you should not let the bank know about my involvement in this transaction.
+226 78870542
May Almighty bless you.
Anxiously waiting to hear from you.
Best regards,
Dr Adamu Salam

=============================================================

Dear Dr Adamu

Firstly, allow me to outline how annoyed I am to hear about the corruption (which isn't your fault) in your country. I went to my wife and I said `that's just not on... I'm annoyed now!`. It was not a pleasant moment I can assure you Dr Adamu!

Now, to answer your questions:

1) My age is 32 and a half years old
2) I work as a hydro-aquatic-marine-physiotherapist at a local aquarium. Think occupational therapist for fish.
3) As I just mentioned, I am very happily married... to a woman not half my age.
4) I live at (Dave's address)
5) My phone number is +++(Dave's number. I no longer have a fax as the cat ate through the cable and then threw up.
6) I don't have a scanner, but here is a recent photo of me I had comissioned for my father-in-law who likes the traditional dress of my culture. The pose I am striking is meant to convey both pain and repose at the falling of another great warrior of our time. I shaln't mention his name as in our culture, we do not name the dead.



Are there any other details you need me to confirm? I am a man who has nothing to hide and am happy to disclose any informations to a man such as yourself.

I'd like to sum up by saying I have a good feeling about this. You are above all, Dr Salam Adamu, a good friend. What are your children's names? My young boy is called Aljezeera Haz'ar-ang'tuk Fostrh'ah. It means `son of a wizened old goat` in the original language as he was born in the year of the goat which is a wizened old creature in our culture.

Yours sincerely

Brof [sic] Bendullah F. Fosth'ah

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Profound Thought of the Day

Spam

I got spammed by those elaborate `all i need is your bank account and sort code` e-mails so I thought I'd take the opportunity to respond... here am thems boths:

With Due Respect:
Greetings to you, I am Mr.zongo compore, the Account Manager of Late Mr. Morris Thompson in ( B.S.I.C )Bank, here in Burkina Faso Ouagadougou Africa. I discovered his Dormant Account with a huge amount of Money Valued (Fourteen Million Dollars only) that belongs to late Mr. Morris Thompson who died in a plane crash with his entire family, if your are interested to run this deal with me, then more details will be discussed once I hear from you.
Thks,
z.compore

Dear Compore

Thank you for your condolences of the late Mr Morris Thompson. He was a very good man and a fantastic farmer. He will be sorely missed by both his family and the rest of the Ougadugu dogging community.

Regarding the monies at hand... I am of course very interested as to my inheritance. My telephone number is +++.(Dave's telephone number)

Any questions, please just ask.

Yours sincerely

MrBenjoi'n F. Fosd'ur.

==================================================================
FROM DR salam adamu
DEAR PARTNER,
I HAVE A BUSINESS TRANSACTION OPPORTUNITY FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THE BOTH FAMILIES.MY NAME IS DR salam adamu, AN AUDIT DIRECTOR WITH BANK OF AFRICA BURKINAFASO.I DISCOVERED AN ABANDONED FUND WORTH OF $10.5 MILLION DOLLARS.
THE CLAIMS IS 100% RISK FREE .I NEED A HONEST FOREIGN PARTNER THAT WE CAN BOTH DO THIS TRANSACTION TOGETHER .
FOR MORE CLEARIFICATION REPLY ME BACK FOR MORE DETAILS.
THANKS
DR salam adamu

Dear Dr Salam Adamu

Thank you for your recent enquiry. I was very relieved to hear it was 100% risk free. This is the best value of free risk you can get I feel.

I expect you'll be needing my bank account number and sort code. I will provide both of these numbers backwards in the interests of internet security.

bank account number ++++++++++
sort code ++ ++ ++ (Dave's bank account details)

Any questions, please just ask.

Yours sincerely

Prof Bendullah F. Fosth'aj

Friday, August 01, 2008

Profound Thought Of The Day

I am sooo excited by this I think I might explode anytime between now and November 7th.



... But if Bond keeps writing off Aston DB9s I think I might have to write and complain.

Don't know how many people follow the urban poetry so...

Here's a linky link