iBlog

Happy Unblog Birthday

2011-04-20T12:34:00.000Z

Nope...this isn't what you think. It's not the long awaited blog from iBen (aka Roughage Man, aka Benvolio, aka Benny Fingers aka 37% of Blah (or 61% if you used Benjamin...or 50% if you sign up to this other half malarky)), it is in-fact an impostor posting to let the world know that it is exactly 1 year since the last post here.

This makes it Roughage Man's 1st unblogging birthday!

Until next year,

The UnBen

P.S. I guess really this blog should change title to AndroidBen rather the iBen now or maybe OpenSource Ben?

The Emporer's New Bang & Olufsen

2010-04-20T16:18:00.000Z

I've never been into big tvs and top of the range computers and that but one thing I've always been passionate about is hifi. Music is lush and I think the only way to listen to it is in extraordinarily high fidelity and at an *assertive* volume.

Ok, so the self proclaimed flagship of audio equipment world wide is Bang and Olufsen who have a branch just off the Bank Plain bit of London Street so a few weeks ago I spent a good hour in the showroom sampling just how inspiring music can be through the right technology. Starting with Oasis, What's the Story in their PC speakers. Now that sounded pretty good - crisp, deep and you'd get change for £300 - considering Blah listens to music out of the laptop a lot it seemed like a worthwhile investment, but what the wee 2.1 set proved in fidelity, it lacked in tonal colour so I found myself whisked onto a pair of bookshelf speakers and Elbow, Starlings

At £1500 for the pair their base line speakers were already far beyond how much I wanted to spend but they did sound nice. Tidy size, stylish design, internally amped (which means music can go straight in rather than through an amp), but again, they lacked a certain body to the music.

Listening to music recreationally should always be an immersive experience. You should feel surrounded by the sound, it should be effortless to pick out the parts you want to hear and most importantly it should be so captivating as to wipe out any distraction. These speakers were none of these.

So onto the £3,000 stereo floor standing units and, yeah, they added much needed body, but there was no... soul to the music. I could hear it, but I didn't believe what I was hearing. Even for Massive Attack, Teardrop

Which my current system pumps out quite convincingly...

At his wits end, I suspect, Mr Salesman showed me Beolab 5. I've never considered listening to speakers that sound like a robot from a Gerry Anderson show but the idea now struck me as a tempting one. First impressions 'n' that. And Voila. Never have I heard Robert Glasper sound so stunning.

And I mean stunning in the most literal sense of the term. At last, music receited better than it was played. Audio lense technology or something... the sort of speaker that takes a sonargram of the room and audio sampling to guage how best to express itself. Worth £6,000 each? Definately.

But

Coming home to my current set up, which consists of a cheap £60 amp, and a pair of hand-me-down floorstanding speakers I inherited from someone who was done with them in the '90s - in which the woofs are held in with superglue - all of the above music sounds just as good, if not better than the middle of the road B&O line. Although not quite better than the £12,000 pair (by the way, Mr Salesman said he'd knock of fifty quid if I paid there and then in cash. Result) but with enough fiddling, despite the music sounding different, the desired outcome is still acheived. Trance like enchantment.

And so, home alone, with the neighbours still at work, I'll let Delirium take me on a great musical distraction and feel smug that sometimes the cheap man comes up lucky.

Flirting with the Turning Test

2010-02-25T18:57:00.001Z

Some website has gotten hold of my msn and keeps asking me to be friends with various guises of its msn contacts which masquerade as flirty young ladies who want me to join their fair site... This site is of a sexual camera related nature and as such I am very moral and disagreeing...

It is however fun to try and flirt with the script their server uses:

*akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com is not on your contact list*

akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
Just here for fun
Bennyfingers says:
yer, I love model trains too
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
hey
Bennyfingers says:
Good evening. How do you do?
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
i'm 21/f your a male right?
Bennyfingers says:
only just
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
nice, I just got off work and finally got some time to relax which site did i msg you from again?
Bennyfingers says:
http://www.number10.gov.uk/
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
I know a way we can chat and have a better time.. do you cam?
Bennyfingers says:
How splendid. To answer your question, I indeed cam it like it's 1999
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
Well i don't do yahoo cam or any other cam because i have been recorded before... But i do know one site you can watch me on cam, that assures me no one records...
Bennyfingers says:
nuts tv? no one watches that
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
I mean... Do you want to see me on my cam?
Bennyfingers says:
you sound fat tbh
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
Ok go to http://www.freecamlink.net/aeb6 accept the invite on the page baby
Bennyfingers says:
No, you accept my invite!! *angry smiley*
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
sweet, fill out the info ur info.. i can not wait for you to see me baby let me find something nice to wear
Bennyfingers says:
Did you know CC stands for Cataract Checkup?
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
its the sites policy to ensure no minors get access to the site, so they might ask for CC to verify your age babe.
Bennyfingers says:
You refered to me as a `babe` in the same sentence that procluded `minors`.... I'm confused
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
What color Panties do you think i should wear? i might have you favorite color here somewhere...
Bennyfingers says:
`Coral flair`... it's in the Dulux colour range http://www.dulux.co.uk/colours/ready_mixed/oranges.jsp
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
Your such a good boy, i'm gonna show you what good boys deserve.. you can tell me to do anything you want me too!
Bennyfingers says:
You could do the washing up. Dishwasher won't get rid of last night's lasagne... Don't forget to dry straight away. Some terrible statistics about bacteria on drip dry crockery
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
Ok let me know when you get in so I can invite you directly to my cam.
Bennyfingers says:
You're quite bossy really aren't you
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
u have to enter a cc, atm, or debit card so they can tell your of age, thats the ony way to see me sweety
Bennyfingers says:
library card?
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
k you in yet babe??
Bennyfingers says:
what's `yet babe`? Is that like a special secret club with secret handshakes? If so, then I'm afraid not
akikowalsingham19@hotmail.com says:
k
Bennyfingers says:
Do you like casseroles?

So

I don't think any computer is going to sleep with me any time soon

Why wear camoflauge with high viz?

2009-12-15T17:21:00.000Z

silly army soldiers and their good works for the country

Scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarey!

2009-11-29T13:30:00.002Z

Linky Link

Stephen Fry

2009-11-22T21:53:00.001Z

'nuff said.

The Bennyfingers Trio update

2009-11-21T00:37:00.000Z

... is a long way off so far but it's somewhere on a couple of horizons on from now.

The masterplan is that this great jazz adventure will get me to somewhere near the standard of Fred Hersch so I can pick up a brush-stick drummer and stand up bassist and we can tour the classiest joints of Norwich and, um, Harleston.... Yaxley maybe?? (Don't worry I'll give my band cool Jaaaaaazz names like*).

Here are the problems in order of importance:

1) I don't got me no talent maaaaaaan. But I'm working on it. Imporivsations are harder in the blues scale than in the diatonic scale so that's hard. Also blues accidentals touching on aleotoric from a blues scale, and mad melodies don't make the actual bein able to play side of playing something of a substantial stumbling block. Alliteration or no alliteration.

2) Norwich don't got no taste for jaaaaazz. The first and/or only time I've seen jaaaaazz live was the infamous Dale Hambridge Trio that I keep going on about, (and I was very close to seein the Robert Glasper trio but that doesn't count). Anyway, that was in Bath where they have taste. In fact the only other Jaaaaazz place I know in these collective aisles of the united Britain is Ronnie Scotts and that's not really dingy enough for the Bennyfingers trio. Actually I tell a lie, in the waffle house down St Benedicts/St Giles street we heard a jazz guitarist play which was pretty cool. Oh yeah and a jazz pianist on my 18th at the Wine Press by the exchange hall. But aside from that Norwich isn't really a contemporary jaaaazz city.

3) I don't have a jaaaazz hat. And La doesn't encourage the endeavour relating to the procuring thereof. If you don't know what a jaaazz hat looks like: a) WTF?!1 b) Linky Link.

By the way, the jury is still out on which is better out of Bennylegs and Bennyfingers so any feedback welcome. Feel free to stop me in the street any time of day or night, or send your answers on a postcard to PO Box 56789. Alternatively you can contact our `Jaaaazz name hotline` on 07890 189 390. Calls cost 15 from a UK Landline and mobile costs vary significantly. Make sure you get the permission from the person who pays the bill.

* Current jazz names include:
- Jackson Jeffery Jackson
- Lupo
- Little Man Cub (if a bandmember is short enough)

- Byron Valentino One Man Love Show

(a lot of those names have been plagerised from current and old members of Babyhead, the ska band)

Beauty

2009-11-09T23:14:00.000Z

I have a theory that `beauty` as an artistic concept is much more absracter than people give it credit for. Arty people often call renaissance frescos and landscapes with a photoshopped skies beautiful... which I spose they are. In the play Closer (By Paddy Marber), there's this quote when two people meet at an arty exhibition.

Larry: [on a photography exhibit] What do you think?
Alice: It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and... all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it's beautiful 'cause that's what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone... But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so... the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie.
Larry: I'm the big fat liar's boyfriend.
Alice: Bastard!

Anyway. The Gospel according to Bennyfingers (yes, I've changed from Bennylegs to Bennyfingers) says Alice is wrong... Bohemians say that beauty and truth are intrinsic* so I like this exhibition

Linky Link,

because it's an honest, unembelished portrayal of Britain. An no one loves a Big Fat Lie.

That's all I've got to say about that really.

* (according to Moulin Rouge as that's the only education I've really had on early last centry Parisien bohemia)

Bennyleg's Jaaazz Odyssey

2009-11-08T01:00:00.003Z

The newest addition to the Blah household is my overstrung Zender upright piano and I well love it I do me. When I was your age I used to loose myself in music to alleiviate the statutory pain of growing up as a 2000s teenager. At home alone, in groups, at GCSE, in church, I'd fit music in wherever I could. I even produced John Galea's work, before he started getting professionals to do it - that's why it sounds crap now.

When I was 13-18 I felt I was defined by music, which suited me right down to the ground, but then when I moved in with the current Mrs Foster we had no room or indeed cash for a piano so for the last five years I've been pianoless... until now. (woo). Infact, buying the piano was something of a whim. We went round our new church's pianist's house for tea on the Saturday and after a late night tinkle bought a Piano on the Sunday.

So here we are again. Ben and piano, side by side ready to push the boundries of catharsis and bad rudiments. However, as a grown up I want to learn jaaaazz, whereas before I learned Bach and Mission Praise. Which leads me into something of a Jaaazzz Odyssey.

It turns out that Jaaazz is something of a broad encompasing term. From blues, to boogie woogie, to midnight jaaazz, to big band rock and rolla. I'm loving scouring all the resources I can find to get my jaaazz on. youtubes, Spofity, mySpaces, sheet music, old sheet music, and my piano teacher, Miss Sam Coe, founder and decorator of the wharf.

In an ideal world, I'd like to sound like Dale Hambridge. Utter legend in my eys. Go on, have a listen. Go on, I'll wait here - click it!

.
.
.
Told you it was worth it.

Dale Hambdrige Trio aside, it doesn't take long to find some amazing specimens of jaaaazz laying around. See what Jooles Holland and Dr John got up toback in the day

How skill is that?

Or how about this?

Still not convinced? Okay, how about, less talent more style?

Even satirical jaaaazz sounds brilliant

That's what I'm liking about jaaaaazz. No rules - only guidelines. Mad scales, insane rhythms, and unpredictable improvisations. I'm looking forward to being able to tame the jazz beast. First though I need to figure out the differnce between blues and jaaaaazz as they sounds the same to me.

Oh, and one last thing - jaaaaaazz players have cool names like `Blind Boy Fuller`, `T-Bone Walker`, `Sleepy John Estes`, `Barbecue Bob` etc so I'm wondering what my jaaaaazz name should be. I'm thinking `Bennylegs` but not sure if that's rubbish. Let me know what you think.

`U suk` syndrome.

2009-11-01T18:04:00.000Z

This internet's a funny old place, innit.

It's a bizarre paradox built 'pon anonyminitnity and interaction, which makes it a curiously fractious base for socialising. It's fine if you is thick skinned - or stupid as insults won't affect you, but it's all too easy in the user-soup that is youTube to be insulting.

The term `u suk!1 [sic]` is branded about like a Japanese army in a brothel.

Take a look at one of my favourite smear campaigns...

Well that's a copy of the actual original because ther were so many people calling this guy a homo in whatever creative form that he deleted his account. But you can see how easy (and to some people, tempting) to apply u suk syndrome to the situation.

Anyhoo, that's why I like

this story. It's grown up and a brief glimpse of normality on this crazy mixed up interconntectednetwork we all the `broadularband`. Good old Mr Fry. Here's a link to his blog incidently. Worth a read. Linky Link

Generation www dot forwardslash com dot org at uk

2009-10-12T19:51:00.000Z

In My Day we used to spell a happy face with colon, hyphen then close bracket but this generation omits the hyphen.

That annoys me.

Also - why do old people say `I'll ping that email over to you now`? When has the situation ever occured where `ping` is a more suitable verb than `send`?

Cameron can certainly put the Tory party back on her feet, but what about the country?

2009-10-09T18:48:00.000Z

I was excited when I heard about Dave Cameron's speech this weeek. You know those times when the media, the atmosphere and the general ambient of an event create an anticipation of its own accord - a presumptive mirth in going with the flow. It was the same when the Obama bandwagon started: his reputation preceeded him. And also with the launch of the iPhone. Presumably the same can be said about Jesus walking into Jerusalem and the release of Diana Vicker's new album. Maybe it was The Sun's adamant front page promulgation:

``CAMERON CAN HAVE A GO BECAUSE WE THINK HE'S HARD ENOUGH!``

that sparked my pre-emptively excited hope. Well it's certainly hard to argue with that sentiment - knowing how level headed and unbias The Sun can be. Indeed, when reading the article, one would find it difficult not to be swept up in the soundbites they take from Cameron's speech; his ``yeah, I've been saying that for ages`` style digs at the Government, his shameless trowelling on of `blue sky thinking` in word and in stage colour scheme, his imperial personification of the UK ``We can put her back on her feet``, The Sun reports teary eyed.

However, coming home to youTube (a much faithfuler portrayal of the speech) I can't help but feel more than a bit sceptical. I suppose speeches are like Easter eggs really. You deliberate carefully on where to put your choco-trust in line with your rights as a tax-paying citizen. Which offers the best promises? Do you vote solely on the one that claims to be friendly to the environment but will cost you more in the long run? Do you pick the egg that will swell the choco-conglomerates even more? Or do you pick the one with a fair price, down to earth promises, brightly coloured packaging and the hints of `well do you want to improve your life or not?` Probably the latter sounds like the right choice until you get home and find out it not actually a solid creme egg the size of your head. It's hollow, brittle, and makes you wonder how the Mars egg would have made you feel.

This is how Cameron's speech made me feel anyway. Looking at it with less carried away eyes - it's plain to see that behind phrases like `the one person who sustained me this year is sitting in the front row [in a strategic £55 M&S dress]` and `Family, community and country ... lay at the heart of my beliefs. `, oh and `Don’t you [the Labour party] dare lecture us about poverty. You have failed and it falls to us, the modern Conservative Party, to fight for the poorest who you have let down.`. I could go on. No really, I could go on for a long time as these subjective, flimsy soundbites (and let's clear that these are phrases that go better as one line highlights in a column than in a congurent speech of the opposition leader) are all the speech is made of.

His spin doesn't seem a world apart from Obama's arresting oratorical skills in election '08. It's not a speech of disgust and dissent of the Government like most opposition leaders, it's a speech of unity. It's an alpha male's cry for cohesion, the calling to a common cause, the bestowal of an identity. In short, it's Cameron's revolution. And how right his advisors are for this. Brown's demise doesn't need Cameron's vilifications - he's more than dug his own grave by his sheer incompetence, and in trying to salvage the country has just etched his own epitaph. Cameron is by happy chance, in the position where doesn't need to convince the electorate of Brown's unsuiability.

For Cameron to gain his much sought after Commons Majority all he needs to do is be everything Brown isn't. The natural leader; the great unificater; the visionary; the pragmatist; the popular; the attractive; the young; the English; the relaxed; the effortless. In his own words, `It’s your character, your temperament and your judgment that in the end count so much more than your policies and your manifesto,`.

The problem is that though - it's his manifesto that doesn't flow on from his carefully strategised speech. Why? Because there bloody isn't one! `We pledge to cut public spending` isn't a policy. `We believe there are many reasons to be cheerful` isn't a policy. `[we would] lead Britain in a completely different direction`, isn't a policy. Cameron's speech was little more than a pep talk. A crowd pleaser that buys time for the general election for him to establish some actual policies, which begs the question: Can you really vote for a man who's priorities really put policy and manifesto second place to spin?

Bike win!

2009-09-26T08:24:00.001Z

see more Fail Blog

To be fair...

2009-09-22T20:19:00.001Z

When I was fifteen I probably would have too...
Linky Link

Poverty 'n' that...

2009-09-19T22:57:00.000Z

Regular readers will by now, I'm sure, have grown complacent of the diagonal strike in the top left corner of this blog-a-majig. The intention of putting it there four+ years ago was to get all the masses of readers to unite in making poverty history. As with most ideological woshippers of the church of the Latter day Teenager will no doubt have agreed at the time, there was no reason why foreign debt couldn't be written off alluding to wistful lofty daydreams about central African mud-huts with wifi and Mugabe scrubbing far right graffitti off the walls of the Hague in an orange jumpsuit.

However, making poverty history has fallen out of vogue recently. Limp wristed lefty student's arms swing unadorned with MPH bands; the G8 remain largely unpicketed by the group and the website itself only shows news feeds up to 2007 - and refers to the MPH movement in the past tense. This last is quite important as it means one of two things:

1) Poverty was made history. Bono can stop clicking his fingers and Lenny Henry can stop with the tedius skits with the cast of The Office.
2) The MPH campaign simply didn't work. Unfortunately, the ghastly truth is that *Poverty* (in spite of all its vulgar unsanitary, undemocratic, deadly connotations) is a relative term. One way or another there will always be a lowest rung of society, and if history/Marx teaches us anything it's that this lowest social strata will invariably be kept in repression to serve the means of the wealthy.

Okay, so maybe it's harsh to disparage the misty eyed dreamers who supported MPH when it was fashionable - after all - we're still talking about it now so you can't knock the public awareness it promulgated, but wrist bands alone do harrowingly little to subvert the econmic colossus that is the Western System.

Now before I was quite prepeared to accept this as the end of the story: A bastion of left wing ideology emerges from the flames of Western decadence and makes it listen to the other side of the coin - debt relief, trade justice and the exclusivity of the EU common market - then on meeting a wall of silence from Downing Street, the exponents slip quietly into their third year dissitations, and all the embers of MPH encourage now is a feeble `Keep Campaigning` half way down the home page.

However, there seems to be an intriguing twist in this tale. No, it doesn't involve the regeneration of the MPH foundation, quite the opposite, it's more of an anecdotal nail in the MPH coffin but it does go to show quite nicely how international redistribution of wealth simply doesn't work.

Let's look at the balance sheet of the mid-recession UK and any random LEDC nation in the belt running through central Africa.... Oh, I don't know, let's say: Ivory Coast. That'll do.

Ivory Coast debt: ~ $10bn, population 18m
UK debt: ~ £2,000bn (and counting), population 61m

Ivory Coast debt per capita $10,000,000,000 / 18,000,000 = $550 ( ~ $ 1 ¹/₄ USD)
UK debt per capita = $2,000,000,000,000 / 60,000,000 = £33,300 ( ~ $ 54,500 USD)

Figures provided by the internets so are obviously right

Looking very very closely at the numbers in bold you might notice that as a nation, our citizens are more in debt than those whom MPH would so staunchly have us release from the clutches of `crippling` debt. It goes with out saying that these statistics are grossly manipulated but they do prove that as a country, our exchequer is in an inexcusably disturbing state.

Indeed, if Iceland are anything to go by, we might soon be requiring the IMF to write off our debt to whatever consortium is daft enough to be wiring money to the chancellor.

Our debt has nothing to do with MPH obviously, but to me it does serve as a stark reminder that although international altruism is essential to the morality of the model of a developed country, sinking our own ship to float theirs a while longer ends up bringing everyone to ruin. In fact, if by the very act of poorer nations borrowing from the West shows that between LSE and Wall St is financially the very backbone of the world, then surely now is the time to strengthen our fiscal stance and up the revenue of third world debtors. (I'm not saying we should, that would be counter-productive, I'm saying a Trotskyite attitude to the IMF does not work - at least not in a recession).

However, I heartily embrace MPH and all that it stands for.

My criticisms as outlined are the rationale to my thoughts on MPH, but they do not define my opinion on it, or any similar NGO. In spite of overwhelming evidence that debt relief cripples economies (who may not live or die off the interest paid but certainly balance their books on the asset), and in spite of the hollow pictures painted by the socilogy student with dreads and beads - I passionately advocate the sending of aid to impoverished nations. I am passionate about advocating the ease of conflicts and develop industries in agriculture in lieu of men earning a wage as combatants. I passionately advocate free market economies and the immediate abolishment of self serving trade embargos within the EU, US and PRC. I am passionate about democracy and I beleive it is worth more reluctently shed blood than any land or faith. I am passionate about making the Unions' (whom I so despise) dreams of minimum wage, welfare state, statutory holiday and workers rights all become basic human rights internationally. I am passionate about international communication, free speech, condoms, accessible health care, and transparent governments ...

And so no matter how feeble, no matter how uncircumspect, poorly thought through, immature, superficially vogue... No matter how glib, hollow, vague, naive or doomed to fail the proponent; I am passionate about any voice in any form that shouts it's time we take a step closer to making poverty a thing of the past.

2009-09-18T11:11:00.002Z

Pot calling the kettle olive skinned*

2009-09-08T21:12:00.000Z

Linky Link
Linky Link

* although knowing what these pots are like they'd probably use much harsher terms that are not permitted 'pon this blogulator

Al `Bennylegs` Capone

2009-09-02T21:34:00.000Z

Last night I dreamt ~~I went to Manderlay again~~ I was Al Capone. I was in a hotel room with a woman which wasn't my wife. The `feds` were surrounding said hotel and I had to literally run for my physical life.

So I grabbed ``all the milk and strong cheese I could carry`` (direct quote) and ran down the stairs but ended up getting trapped between a fed outside and the stairs to the manager's tower at B&Q Hall Road Norwich.

At this point, a kindly CIA gentleman said that a phone would ring and I should answer it.

So slowly in walks this `fed` and I pick up the phone that magically had just appeared just in time for the fed to reach me, however, I was civicly immune as I was on the phone (it's a widely known fact that you can't get arrested when you're on the phone).

On the other end of the phone was Sir Winston Churchill offering me a job as a communist in exchange for my life.

Normally I beleive dreams can fortel the future so fingers crossed...

Which is better: number 1? or number 2?. ...................... That's number 1.... and number 2...................

2009-08-28T21:44:00.001Z

There's a website that I can't be bothered to link to that sells glasses cheaper than the highstreet but to sample the frames they post you them out to try in the comfort of your own home.

And so my brain and me thought it would be a nice idea to buy some rimless (lol) glasses but I had enough room to sample some of my long adored geek glasses. Now I'm torn as to which I prefer.

Rimless (lol) glasses look grown up but Buddy Holly/Vic Reeves/Eric Morcambles/David Helfgott glasses look infinately cooler.

What does your personal brain think?

La's not as keen as me on the latter.

Email:

2009-08-19T20:20:00.000Z

To:
Minister in charge of Department for the Education of Farming Radioactive Antelopes (DEFRA)

Subject:
Cow could you let this happen?

Message:
Dear Minister of DEFRA, Mrs Michelle Gildernew,

Let me set the scene, Mrs Michelle Gildernew. But first, good morning to you yourself. Now back to the scene scetting. It's a cold dark wintery night in November. The sheep on my two and a half acre farm are bleeting, the cocks are crowing, and the cows are mooing. Moooooo. Why do they mooo0oo? I hear you ask? Is it intrinsic to their nature to mo0o0o0o0oo? Are their moO0oos the result of peer pressure, or just inane cow speak for farting away the o-zone layer? I'll tell you the answer, Mrs Minister Michelle Gildernew. They mo000000000000o because they know that I know the secret behind milk!

Oh yes. I know it alright and I demand for something to be done about it!

My milk maid, David, pulls on the cow and milk falls out. Then he returns and it's yogert. 'Pon his next return it becomes cream, thence dubble cream.... Were this not bad enough, when he returns again it becomes butter, and finally to a selection of minature cheeses in a little mesh bag.

Demonstrably these are all the same thing. Identically the same thing. (apart from when the cow in question happens to be a calf whereupon David brings me babybel). I demand you either homogenise this milk or brand all of the above as the same banner. Might i suggest ``cow-seconds.``? Let me know immediately of your intentions or I shall contact the trades descriptions act a moment after immediately.

Kapish?

Yours sincerely

Mr Benjamin Foster
Minister for TRUTH!

You can put an Irish accent on Bill Clinton but where there's smoke - there's a cigar based depravity...

2009-08-19T15:35:00.002Z

John Cage: Genius? Or Mongaloid-spack-a-tron?

2009-08-15T23:25:00.001Z

John Cage was a 20th century experimental composer noted for pieces that were laden with a-harmonic dischords without meter and apparently, without sense. To all but the optimistic ears his piano pieces sounded like children bashing away haplessly.

I remember learning about John Cage in GCSE music class and dismissing him offhand with deep rooted annoyance thinking him to be the antithesis of music - the orchestra's version of slicing a cow in half and displaying it in formaldehyde.

But I've grown up a bit now and I think I can appreciate his work a lot more. It doesn't all make sense to me but maybe it's not meant to.

What is arguably his most famous piece is `4 minutes 33 seconds`. A full orchestra piece in three movements where all instruments play 4'33'''s worth of rest. The idea being that the ambience of the concert hall itself comprises the music.

It's a weird notion that the absense of music can become music, some people call it theatre at best and a piss taking publicity stunt at worse - I know I certainly did when I was first introduced, but my opinions have changed somewhat. I think music is what you make of it and the jenius of Cage was that he enabled the listener to make whatever they wanted from it, free from the boundries in which the more traditional composers flourished.

Here's more of Cage pushing the musical onvelope:

I'm in one of those annoying post-everything-I-find-on-the-internet type phases...

2009-08-03T14:56:00.002Z

Linky Link

I also like things like this...

2009-07-31T10:15:00.003Z

(original pic)

usually from www.deviantart.com

Advertising

2009-07-24T10:18:00.000Z

One of my great library of annoyances is adverts. Unimaginative, predictable, twee, and downright misleading adverts. But I like this one. I think all adverts should be creative and arty and long. Then we can get rid of rubbish adverts.

Dear Mr Derren Brown

2009-07-23T11:04:00.001Z

Good morning, Mr Derren Brown

Perhaps you've been expecting me?

My name is iBen Foster and I too am a fellow mentalist. I have immersed my very self in the realms of the psychic for many years now. A great many years Mr Derren Brown. Perhaps you've heard of me? I keep myself to the Norwich underground scene.

I'm here (on e-mails) today to speak to you about a phenomenon which I have been studying called `Pascoe's Ubiquitous Personality Basket Effect` (or P'UPBE). It is a very little known phenomenon which I have only be'heard fromce Pascal's very own great great grandson, Guy Pascoe himself. (You probably wouldn't have heard of him)

For P'UPBE to take place there needs to be present but seven people and the Basket-Master himself/her making a grand sum total of 8 physical people. The Basket-Master begins with the words `François D'François! Myne friend, myne ubiquitous Lord, I beseach thyself to com'eth unto this gathering!` Once François D'François has been summoned by the Basket-Master the gathered assembly all write down the name of the person sitting to the left of themselves, then having folded the paper in half four times, put it in the Personality Basket in the middle of the table.

The Basket-Master then declares `François D'François, you have treated us well` at which point François D'François departs. The Basket-Master pulls out a piece of paper, literally at random and declares the name loudly and clearly to the assembly (EG: `MARY!`). The benamed assemblee would then stand to his feet/her and face the Basket-Master. The Basket-Master will stare into his eyes/her and will initiate a conversation, the result of which will be the delegate will be compelled to bespeak a truth to the gathered that he hasn't/she ever told anyone (EG `I've been poisoning my husband with lead these last few years`). The now cleansed person will thence beseat themselves and the Basket-Master will take another item of paper from the Secrets-Basket.

Now, Mr Derren Brown, I have mastered the entire routine by heart. but struggle to get the deligee to bespeak a real human truth. Perhaps you can help me? I shall be performing at a secret location on Theatre Street, Norwich later this year for a private performance. Perhaps you would be inclined to join me?

Yours sincerely

Mr iBen Foster

It's all just a little bit of history repeating...

2009-07-13T22:21:00.000Z

``The bourgeoisie, by the rapid improvement of all instruments of production, by the immensely facilitated means of communication, draws all, even the most barbarian, nations into civilization. The cheap prices of its commodities are the heavy artillery with which it batters down all Chinese walls ... in one word, it creates a world after its own image.``

- The Communist Manifesto (Friedrich & Engels) 1848

We're entering a world, it seems, where China is in all but liberty, the new great embodiment of a national capitolist dream. The world's biggest country (by population) struts about the global free market with a steadily urbanizing economy, jettisoning its reliance on agriculture in favour of centralized industrial labour. China is, in fact, the most significant industrial revolution in living memory.

But the hypocricy of using the words `industrial`, `centralized` and `urbanizing` for a communist state seems to somewhat detatch from the nature of arms based egalitarianism on which Chariman Mao first founded the republic.

The truth is that the course of capitolism is so permiated by human nature one nation cannot help but be seduced by it. One nation's rocks are another one's jewellery; and to recipricate their own labour costs are the diamond wearer's year-on-year performance growth margins in the manufacturing sector.

Mutual trans-national exploitation is a worthy substitute for war.

This is the situation China has reached now. Gone are the days when cheap manufacturing kept our bourgeoisie in Jaguars and the People's Republic's people in leaky shanties. China has reaced an economic critical mass - the fine line is being toed where their labour force can unionise like the Western industrial revolutions that preceeded it - demand better healthcare, a vote and ultimately a stake in the businesses that run them - or at least the freedom to start their own enterprises without the legal obligation to nationalise 50% of their business. The alternative outcome to the critical mass is China keeps its work force subdued and Stalin's dream of the proleteriat's ambivolence to ambition will be acheived.

In this just as likely instance, China will not cease its growth, will continue to outsource its lesser industries to poorer African states and use its economic and sheer geographic might to envelop the West. And the West, crippled by the laws that protect workers, will be powerless to stop Hu Jintao's empire.

The irony is that in this doomsday scenario, it will be the West's indolent overunionised industrial-reactionists that caused their own demise because they didn't bank on another nation growing their industries in the areas in which they put up roadblocks. And that is history full circle from the time when imperial China became the PRC.

Poem for Summer

2009-07-01T23:50:00.000Z

I've long been a fan of Taylor Mali, roughly since the time (but not related to) when Garcia showed me some of his performance poetry on youtubes.

This is a transcript from one of my favourites

Silver-Lined Heart
By Taylor Mali (www.taylormali.com)
I’m for reckless abandon
and spontaneous celebrations of nothing at all,
like the twin flutes I kept in the trunk of my car
in a box labeled Emergency Champagne Glasses!
Raise an unexpected glass to long, cold winters
and sweet hot summers and the beautiful confusion of the times in between.
To the unexpected drenching rain that leaves you soaking
wet and smiling breathless;
“We danced in the garden in torn sheets in the rain,”
we were christened in the sanctity of the sprinkler,
can’t you hear it singing out its Hallelujah?
Here’s to the soul-expanding power
of the simply beautiful.
See, things you hate, things you despise,
multinational corporations and lies that politicians tell,
injustices that make you mad as hell,
that’s all well and good.
And as far as writing poems goes,
I guess you should.
It just might be a poem that gets Mumia released,
brings an end to terrorism or peace in the middle east.
But as far as what soothes me, what inspires and moves me,
honesty behooves me to tell you your rage doesn’t move me.
See, like the darkest of clouds my heart has a silver lining,
which does not harken to the loudest whining,
but beats and stirs and grows ever more
when I learn of the things you’re actually for.
That’s why I’m for best friends, long drives, and smiles,
nothing but the sound of thinking for miles.
For the unconditional love of dogs:
may we learn the lessons of their love by heart.
For therapy when you need it,
and poetry when you need it.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The solution to every problem usually involves some kind of liquid,
even if it’s only Emergency Champagne
or running through the sprinkler.
Can’t you hear it calling you?
I’m for crushes not acted upon, for admiration from afar,
for the delicate and the resilient and the fragile human heart,
may it always heal stronger than it was before.
For walks in the woods, and for the woods themselves,
by which I mean the trees. Definitely for the trees.
Window seats, and locally brewed beer,
and love letters written by hand with fountain pens:
I’m for all of these.
I’m for evolution more than revolution
unless you’re offering some kind of solution.
I’m for the courage it takes to volunteer, to say “yes,” “I believe,” and “I will.”
For the bright side, the glass half full, the silver lining,
and the optimists who consider darkness just a different kind of shining.
So don’t waste my time and your curses on verses
about what you are against, despise, and abhor.
Tell me what inspires you, what fulfills and fires you,
put your precious pen to paper and tell me what you’re for!

Does this make sense?

2009-06-16T15:07:00.000Z

Or am I just getting too old for this generation of neet Yarcos??

Why God's worth it and why I'd be rubbish at making signs for the M11

2009-06-13T00:03:00.000Z

You know me, yeah? Well remember there was that monumental phase of blog posts rambling on about `authentic faith`... It occured to me that I have a nice image of God in my head and in my heart, but I've always struggled to convey this to other people in the werld. I think that's because I communicate God by challenging what common conceptions are: the likes of which I disagree. Almost contextualising God by the pitfalls of other followers of today and through history. It would be like writing those signs for the M11 saying:

``This motorway does not stop at: Arminghall, Birmingham, Brighton, Chester, Colchester.......... Yeovil or Zimbabwe``

I think if I ever want to relate my perception of God to someone, I probably need to start thinking along the lines of what He is, rather than contextualising though eliminating the well meaning but superphelous interpositions (like hymns, flag waving, raising hands etc...) between God and man that seem so epicly disasterous to me, but probably not to anyone else.

So here are:

Captain Sir Benjamin F. McFosterson III Esq.'s Axiomatic Truths of Authentic God ™

God is love. I once heared `the opposite of love isn't hate, but indiffernce`. If there's one thing that God does to show His love, it's everything. The Bible is an homage to God interfering in our mess ups, digressions, indiscressions and general human-ups in life. In fact the only time off the top of my immense brain when God slopes His shoulders with people is when Jesus is on the cross and says `you int 'arf forsaken me, innit` and in hindsight, that certainly comes across as quite well in our favour in the grand scheme of things. God is love, and everything that love is, everything love stands for, everything love aspires to be. He's not permiated with the charactor of love, He's actually made of the stuff. In fact, I think I might even be worshipping a divine bowl of love soup. If you can get your head around that - and I mean REALLY grasp it - then the next step is to understand that God's love is not one side of a dichotomy. God's love is not a love by the contrast of hate/indifference/people trafficking, it's more than a concept, more than an attribute, unquanitifiable, uncomprimisable, unextinguishable. God IS ... love!

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.

Authentic faith isn't the pursuit of love, it is love. Authentic Faith doesn't aspire to love, because it's only attainable by loving, and being love in the first place. Love may well be the lynch-pin to Christianity, but for Authentic Faith to occur, love must be the encompasing, defining, saturating feature of the follower. More than an attitude - as much a feature of the person as their own blood and ears. A life surrendered without comprimise.

All we need to worship and commune with God is that which He gave us when we were born. We have everything we need right here right now.

A heart,
a passion,
a gratitude,
a humility,
a servitude,
a vague and potted knowlege of who God is and what He's done,
a brotherhood of like minded children of God,

And that's it. That's all it is. That's all He wants. That's all He cares about. I think God's reaction to Church bands is like my reaction to the BBC iDents... yeah - you've put a lot of work into it, but it doesn't make me love you any more than I just did a moment ago, Mr BBC, it's just padding out time to be doing more useful things. But that, is of course, just my opinion.

So there you have it: Ben's Wee List regressing a very long Bible into three neat post-modern-esque bullet points. Just what God would have wanted... Authentic Faith as defined by what it is instead of what it isn't. I still feel like it's more powerful to describe based on the contranyms between church and Authentic Faith but that's because I'm coming from a reactionary/contrary point of view, I suppose. But at the end of the day, so long as I'm better at following God than getting to J27 westbound on the M25, everyone's a winner.

mmhmm

2009-06-11T14:46:00.001Z

Thought there was nothing funny about Chris Langham's charges?

2009-06-03T15:11:00.002Z

Why with God, it's good to be a man

2009-05-30T00:19:00.001Z

I've always been up for a spot of mysogenism... poking fun at women's tiny wee brains: their lack of spacial awareness, their inability to dig for coal, their disinterst of `foot-ball-ings`...

Well with this in mind, there's a website to help women out with cars. It's called women and wheels

There's a page with a jargon buster that has the line:

Diesel engines don't use much petrol

Sigh...

In this household, the women are confined to talk of kittens and washing up, and the important things like sorting out Red China and motor vehicling are left to the dashing, byronic, heroic, important men. Such as myself.

... and they're welcome.

www.number10.gov.uk Petition

2009-05-28T23:14:00.000Z

People call our democratic system flawed. We have a government that's hesitent to refurendums, politicians who embezzle public funds into real estate, ministers who are incapable and unversed in their areas of office, but there is a single shining light at the end of the tunnel the UK Parliamentiary system.

That is the e-petition link on the number10.gov.uk website. An online thingmybob that allows you to petition the PM with whatever your whims take of your fancy.

This seems quite well managed by Whitehall or wherever, and there are some legitimate progressive points being raised there. I, myself consider myself a bastion of the old guard of British Politics so to keep the balance of Western Democracy, I decided to corrupt this and start me an e-petition for my old friend, Mr Oliver Letwin MP.

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to:

Pay Oliver Letwin back the £2,145 that he himself paid back after orginally claiming for on expenses for repairing his tennis court

Add more details of your petition:

As the very prime of ministers yourself, you should know better than any what pressures are on members of the parliament these days.

And still Mr Letwin paid back, out of the goodness of his own heart the expenses he claimed for the repairs of his tennis court. How does that make you feel? That's a legitimate claim! What do we disalow claims for next... Eh? Well I don't want to know what next, because my rage is out!!!

Requested Duration:

4 months, 5 days

Choose a short name for your petition (6 to 16 letters):

Letgate

To my count, this e-petition falls foul of eleven clauses in the abridged terms and conditions of use. Still waiting for them to rubberstamp it, but if they do, I'll link you so everyone can sign it.

Stick that kettle on!

2009-05-27T11:11:00.000Z

... Because everyone's favourite Blah are back from Scurrtlund!

Was a nice week of fishing, whisky and meeting new family.

It's the habit of Fosters to live far apart and not really like one another, so to meet the MacDonald's/McDonalds was nice. They're very welcoming and friendly people and I feel welcomed, friended and well fed.

I said hello to most at the wedding, but that was over a year 'narf ago and that was a case of `...and this is Uncle John`, `helllo, Uncle John` and then being pulled away so this was the first time I really met them met them.

Interesting things done include

seeing the oldest tree fossil in scotland
eating 500 year old shortbread
watching angles and demons to escape the rain
going to Iona and finding out it is gay
seeing the Falkerk wheel
flying on the world's tiniest plane

So there you have it.

Milk, no sugar, ta.

A week of nicks...

2009-05-08T15:00:00.002Z

Yesterday at work I met Nick Knowles.

Today, a sunny friday where I start my weekend at 3pm, the last thing that happened was my general manager and me chased a shoplifting vilian half way to tesco and watched him get nicked by the old bill.

Somedays I like my job.

:)

Graph Jam

2009-05-06T19:05:00.001Z

see more Funny Graphs

Matt

2009-04-29T23:03:00.000Z

(from the Telegraph)

My Favourite one yet...

2009-04-26T22:22:00.001Z

From The Desk Of Jimmy Gamba,

The Head Of File Department,
African Development Bank (A.D.B).
Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West Africa.

("REMITTANCE OF $15 MILLION U.S.A DOLLARS
CONFIDENTIAL IS THE CASE")

Compliments Of The Season,

Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.I got your contact from the proffesional data base found in the internet Yahoo tourist search.When i was searching for a foreign reliable partner.I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this business opportunity.

After series of prayers/fasting.i was divinely directed to contact you among other names found in the data base Yahoo tourist search.I believe that God has a way of helping who is in need.

I am (Jimmy Gamba).the Head of file Department in African development bank (ADB).

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $15 million U.S.A dollars ( fifteen million U.S.A dollars).

In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family on (Monday 31st July 2000) in a plane crash.Since we got information about his death,we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines,but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died along side with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and i don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after eight years,the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund.The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner, and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I agree that 40% of this money will be for you as foreign partner,in respect to the provision of a foreign account and 60% would be for me.That means ($6 million) six million dollars for you and ($9 million) nine million dollars for me.There after i will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.

Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged,you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name,your bank account number,your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your reply,I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.

I am awaiting for your immediate response as you receive this mail.Extend my sincere greetings to your entire family.God bless you and your entire family and bye for now.

Your’s faithfully,

JIMMY GAMBA
FROM (ADB) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.
GOD BLESSINGS,PROTECTIONS AND GUIDANCE TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.

(FILL THIS FORM BELLOW PLEASE AND RESEND IT TO ME).

1) Your Full Name......................................
2) Your Age...............................................
3) Marital Status.........................................
4) Your Cell Phone Number.......................
5) Your Fax Number.................................
6) Your Country.........................................
7) Your Occupation....................................
8) Sex........................................................
9) Your Religion........................................
10) Your Private E-mail Address..................

POST SCRITUM: You have to keep everything secret as to enable the transfer to move very smoothly in to the account you will prove to the bank.

If it came to it...

2009-04-23T14:54:00.000Z

St George could have St Dave, St Paddy and St Scotland in a scrap. Any day.

Starbucks (is gay)

2009-04-21T09:55:00.000Z

On the way to work yesterday I saw a dog eatning the remnants of an old Starbucks cup thing.

I can't say I agree with the dog's politics.

I love Internets Dairy!

2009-04-15T00:16:00.002Z

Linky Link

Bo's blog...

2009-04-14T00:18:00.000Z

Linky Link

Speaking of trying to be funny... What's green and smells like yellow paint?

.
.
.
.
.
.
Green pain!!! meh heh heh!!!

It just occured to me...

2009-04-12T11:41:00.002Z

... That I'm a twenty something.

This is something of a revelation really. Despite being married for a year and a half (we're sorting out the wedding album today by the way - woo!) I still feel like a sixth former most of the time. Maybe that's something to do with denial that I still don't really have a grown up job yet.

Anyway, this opens a whole new arena for me. I feel like I should wear CK blazers and armani aftershave sipping cocktails in fancy wine bars in the city... Or reading intelligent books and discussing them at length... or listening to chilled back jazz in a designer shag-pied-de-terre.

So I'm all but there and still with 8 and a half years left to get our designer pad (and being married to an interior designer, I can't really see that bein a problem).

I like being a twentysomething. I makes me feel emancipated from the realm of teenagedom, and justified in not having everything grownups *should* have (like a mortgage, 2.4 children and a Citroen Xantia).

This does beg the question of what a thirty something needs to have/acheive but I don't need to think about that yet.

Oh, and lent went rather well, thanks for asking. I enjoyed picking up The Sun for the first time in ages and reading Hagar the Horrible. In giving up being thick (for lent) I've managed to proffer interesting editorials in a forthcoming best-seller, got wifey in touch with a proof reading project, read Obama's `The Audacity of Hope`, reading Zadie Smith's `On Beauty`, saw `Dai (enough)` at the Theatre and generally been more thoughtful about the world.

I, along with everyone else I know who's done lent this year seem to have gotten something lasting and eye opening from the whole experience. Is nice.

Stangers are more fun on Omegle...

2009-04-09T15:19:00.004Z

Connecting to server...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hi

Stranger: hi

You: how you doin?

Stranger: what?

You: how are you?

Stranger: thanks

Stranger: from?

You: haha

You: uk you?

Stranger: china

You: konishua!

Stranger: Oh, I think I do not quite understand

You: understand you i do!

You: you are old how?

Stranger: The level of my English is not good

Stranger: 26

You: you sound very good ta

You: what do hobbies you like to do?

Stranger: Music

Stranger: Painting

You: can you paint music?

Stranger: Oh no not ,I think you misunderstood.

Stranger: I like music and art

You: stood where?

You: oh i see!

Stranger: Painting art

You: I like to dance

You: do you fox-trot?

You: or meringue?

Stranger: My profession is advertising designer.

You: can you shows me an advert you has designed?

Stranger: There are many

You: have you shown me some online?

Stranger: Please wait ah

You: you're welcome

Stranger: http://www.ipscn.net/UploadFiles/2006101118103249.jpg

Stranger: http://www.vi001.com/edit/upPic/20071026131237297.jpg

Stranger: http://www.vi001.com/edit/upPic/20071026131237312.jpg

Stranger: Yes I am very satisfied with.

You: my breath is taken away with you

You: what is your name called?

Stranger: My Chinese name is Sun Hailiang

Stranger: Sun Hailiang=孙海亮

You: man or girl

You: ?

Stranger: man

You: tall man?

Stranger: yes1

You: what circumference is your waist?

Stranger: My height?

You: yes

Stranger: 1.8M

Stranger: This yellow is the middle of the tall.

You: exactly

You: same here

Stranger: I know you in Europe have a high tall men.

You: no, our floors are all jsut propped up

You: ¿what's the tallest person you has ever meet?

Stranger: I am very satisfied with my height.

You: how satisfied do you think everyone else is with your height?

Stranger: Asian men's average increase is 1.68M

You: is Asia jelous of you?

Stranger: Asian men

You: if you could adress asian men right now, what would you say to them?

Stranger: Oh !you are too tall for a dwarf!

You: hahaha, you have extracted laughs from my bellyguts!

Stranger: Oh !no not I did not laugh at you.

You: what times is it over there?

Stranger: Could you just say, I do not understand.

Stranger: I said the bad English.

You: how many hours have gone by since your noon today

Stranger: Your country is at right now?

You: war

You: do you love communism?

Stranger: communism?

You: maoism

Stranger: I lived in communist countries

You: but now you live in china instead?

Stranger: No choice.

You: what can you choose?

Stranger: No

Stranger: My nationality is Chinese.

You: Your nationality is Cheese!?

Stranger: Chinese

Stranger: china

You: as in the bullshop?

Stranger: Wrong not you understand

Stranger: china

Stranger: nationality is china

You: china?

Stranger: China

You: China

Stranger: is Our leaders

You: bye

Stranger: Mao Zedong

You: that near tokyo?

Omegle

2009-04-05T16:53:00.003Z

www.omegle.com

what is it with this interwebnet with new websites with mundane ideas. First there's facesbooks that serves absolutely no purpose, then ther's twitter which does the one aspect of what facesbooks does but worse... now there's omegle.com (or omegle dart carm if you're Amerk'n).

omegle is basicly a peer to peer chat room that connects you to anonymous strangers... for no reason. it serves no puropse. I haven't had a single eye opening chat so far. In fact.... everyone on it seems stupid!

But I will perseverem abd blog any interesting convos...

Zadie Smith, On Boo'ty (booy)!

2009-04-03T22:52:00.004Z

I've wanted to read On Beauty for aages on the strength of the recommendations of friends and now we have a holiday I can read my first holiday book. w00t. Such a holiday as this is planned for the end of May so I should be well aquainted with the second chapter by then. mmm, nice.

I'll say something useful about the book when I've read it (in another ten months maybe?) but until then, read the first paragraph to White Teeth.

This might well be the bestest ever opening paragraph to a book in the whole world ever...

Early in the morning, late in the century, Cricklewood Broadway. At 06.27 hours on 1 January 1975, Alfred Archibold Jones was dressed in courdroy and sat in a fume-filled Cavalier Muskateer Estate face down on the steering wheel, hoping the judgement would not be too heavy upon him. He lay forward in a prostrate cross, jaw slack, arms splayed either side like some fallen angel; scrunched up in each fist he held his army service medsals (left) and his marriage licence (right), for he had decided to take his mistkaes with him. A little green light flashed in his eyes, signalling a right turn he had resolved never to make. He was resigned to it. He was preperaed for it. He had flipped a coin and stood staunchly by its conclusions. This was decided-upon suicide. In fact it was a New Years resolution.

Doesn't that first paragraph make you want to eat up that whole novel and suck it like a polaroid picture?!

Unforunately, White Teeth by Zadie Smith is a book that's bigger than my brains which is the reason I'm currently reading On Beauty instead. Happy days.

hahaha

2009-04-03T10:40:00.002Z

From Linky Link

... for I am a jealous toy manufacturer...

2009-04-02T15:20:00.001Z

Linky Link

this is better anyway...

Linky Link

Quotationamajig from Dwight Schrute

2009-03-28T18:48:00.001Z

For those of you which don't exactly know, Dwight Schrute is a charactor in the American The Office (their equivolent of our Gareth Keenan). Anyway, Dwight has a blog and here is a quote from it:

... the elderly continue to live longer and longer, surviving despite their deteriorating bodies and minds, and burdening society with their “needs” (Note: insulin is a privilege not a right). A person should only exist as long as he proves beneficial to his community. Schrute children adhere to this rule by the age of 6 or else they’re permanently reassigned to a weaker, more tolerant family. So why can’t old people abide?
Unfortunately, humanity seems to lack the backbone to demand that the elderly continue to contribute until they terminate. Instead we both indulge their laziness and demean them, locking them away in retirement homes while they slowly rot in a medicated stupor. The thought seems to be, the elderly, like most minority groups, enjoy being grouped together in a designated living area. But what if we stripped them of their pills and deprived them of their Rascal scooters, perhaps the elderly would stand up and face death like a man: head on, in a battle royal. Win or lose, they’d be more alive than they are now, even if the exertion caused them to cease living.

Linky Link

I miss...

2009-03-26T22:45:00.005Z

Literally everything about the 90s.

But this is absolutely, unequivocally, 100% Captain Ben certified GUARENTEED to make you smile:

Linky Link
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(told ya! Now keep that playing while you read on to keep you in right frame of mind...)

The problem is, I don't think I ever trully mourned the 90's and now it and me are nigh upon being seperated by a full linear decade. This upsets me and makes me feel old and detatched. After all, here in 2009 I still use the term `opal fruits`; I'd still prefer a Vauxhall Nova Mk A to any modern hatchback; I still sing ``Football's coming home`` on the way back from work (and ``Vindaloo`` while forklifting the other day)...

Today I was literally this || close to commenting on a customer's nokia 3210i; I still think saying ``I'm morag the cow!!`` is acceptible to quote when drunk; I'm still planning on learning the Macerana; I still think of the top 40 as `the Pepsi Network Chartshow with Dr Fox Live from the London Trocedero`; I still think of fields in the context of their potential rave holding logistics; which reminds me I still think big-box-little-box is a dance that makes ANYONE look cool...

I still think wearing all plain blue denim is okay; or wearing a full sleeved wolly jumper with turtle neck in summer can be understood; or wearing a cap backwards is the ultimate compromise of sticking it to the man (like Slobodan Milošević for example?) and looking fly; I think baggy t-shirts and parachute pants can be flattering with the right attitude...

I still think the Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, N-Sync, All Saints, Big Mountain is some of the best produced music the 20th century heard. The Silence of the Lambs was blatently better than Hannibal, and Die hard 3 is better than Die hard 2.

I miss the days before society made me feel guilty with things like Yakult and machines asking me `do you want to respond to this message now?` and `green alternatives` and the guilt associated with cheap meat. I miss not having to count 5 fruit and veg & 2500 calories & 50% carbohydrates & 6 litres of water every day of every week...

I miss the 10 minutes of waiting for the school's one multimedia machine to load an encarta page on soil; I miss 1-5-7-1 and 1-4-7-1 on BT landlines being a novelty; I miss the days before TV's told me to `press the red button`; I miss the days before microwaves were in the supermarkets for £19.99...

I miss chart music that wasn't based on fellatio innuendo and girls wanting me to wish my girlfriend was hot in the same ilk as themselves... I miss B*witched (Edele was my first redhead crush) and when even hip-hop had something to be happy about that wasn't in the same vain as pimps, hos and videos.I miss tamagotchis, yoyos, Pogs, tazzos, the original Mario Kart, Banjo Kazooi, snake (on nokia phones), mambo worms, lemmings and F zero X...

So, to 201x.... you've got 8 months, 4 days and 23.5 hours to prepeare yourself to be awesome as I'm not willing to accept anything less than '90s amazingness! To be honest, I've felt a bit let down by the naughties. We gave them a new dome, a new Labour, a new brand of pepsi and they've thrown all of them back in my face, well bugger the 200xs, they've had their chance.

You have the world's greatest proverbial cashcard, 2010... it had better not be rejected.

For everything else, there's acmetal card...

2009-03-26T18:10:00.002Z

Linky Link

?w?t?f?

2009-03-22T21:41:00.002Z

Balsam Trees

Lift up your eyes...to the heavens
Then look upon...the earth beneath
Over the hills...along the valleys
What do you see?
In the wilderness...can you see Eden?
On the barren land...the garden of the Lord?
All along the banks...of the beautiful river
See the good fruit grow?
Can you hear the breeze
In the tops of the balsam trees?

Hear the marching sound
Advancing all around
I'm calling you...Come On!
Break through! Break through!
This is your time...to arise!

Godfrey `I'm a knob` Birtill
© Whitefield Music UK 2002

Shameless Plug

2009-03-22T01:01:00.002Z

Linky Link

Quote from someone who isn't me...

2009-03-17T00:01:00.001Z

Quote from someone who isn't me

The secret of our identity is hidden in the Love of God. God utters me like a word containing a partial thought of Himself. A word that is never able to comprehend the voice that utters it. But if I am true to the concept that God utters in me, if I am true to the thought of Him that I was meant to embody, I shall be full of his actuality and find him everywhere in myself, and find myself nowhere. I shall be lost in Him: that is I shall find myself. I shall be saved

is that...

On leaving for work at half five...

2009-03-16T23:42:00.002Z

I plant the kind of kiss
that wouldn't wake a baby
on the self-same face
that wouldn't let me sleep;
and the street is singing with my pedals,
and the dawn gives me a shadow I know to be taller.

All down to you, dear.

(Linky Link)

Staugustines

2009-03-16T00:56:00.005Z

The People's Republic of Blah went to Staugustines today for the first time since... well since we got married, (we prodicalised to Diss almost straight after for, no assosiated reason).

Firstly, those who know the Blah Republic well, will know that the male populous is rather picky when it comes to matter regarding church following some eye opening experiences with Proclaimers and a potentially earth shattering morsel of wisdom that propmtly turned to a bitter pill of resentment and anger. Therfore all the men in the country find all churches tediuos, irrelevent and irreverent.

Except, that is, for Staugustines. Of all the churches in Norwich to which the nation of Blah have been on factfinding missions, Staugustines has always struck a chord in the average male Blahite that no other has come close to. And that's because Staugustines approaches faith tangentally to other chuches.

Let me explain... *stretches palms outward with interlocking fingers*

My theory is that the majority of chuches approach the idea of faith (as a noun and a verb) from the idea that God is a man to reach out to and build bridges to, and to be fair, Biblicly, I can see why:

A woman who had been bleeding for twelve years came behind Jesus and touched the edge of his coat. She was thinking, "If I can just touch his clothes, I will be healed." (NIV)

Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." (NIV)

Then the wee fella cut a hole in a chap's roof for his mate's healing (New Ben Translation)

On that day, a bloke who lived in a desert country where most (if not all) of the Bible is set petitioned God that if he found a handful of people who weren't spiritually rubbish then God might tone down His strong smiting ethic.(NBT)

``This is the word of the Lord, thanks be to God``.

So there's definately a Biblical theme of people making the first move to get to God or get God's favour, and for everyone in the Bible it pays off almost straight away - just like real life!!!

But the theme that has permiated institutionalised Christianity since inception of the catholic (small c) church is that access to God is something to be earned - whether it's in the traditional: in the confessional, in alms & tythes, lenten sacrifice. Or whether it's in the post-modern take on lassooing God's attentions like jumping, flag waving and raising one's hands and face to the ceiling.

Personally I see God as much omnipresent inside of my heart and life as He is omnipresent in the physical universe and seeking Him is a matter of regressing the churchy adages and poetic idioms to find Him in the place that He (by rights) *should* reside. That is to say, I beleive God exists more in my feral created being than in embroidered banners and electric guitars.

Anyway.

It's this theme that Staugustines picks up on. The service begins with a period of silence (or `silence with children` as Rev. Vicar once happily put it) which begins the tone of introspective exploration that makes up the meeting. A mutual gathering of friends all seeking the same goal through different paths, each acknowledging that their own path may be meandering, unmapped and unprecedented, but ultimately, never lonely becuause running parallel to their own are the other friends walking their own journies.

This is what Staugustines is all about: the re-assuring sideways glances between such explores and mutual spiritual discovery that's intrinsic of God's people who realise that true learning and true development comes from one another and not explicitly from the pastor (or writers/hymns/guest speakers endorsed by the pastor). Where we're made stronger by our shared individualities and idiosynchronous relationships with God rather than, perhaps, our corporate charactor emulation (as would be the case in more traditionally evangelical churches).

So this is the enduring appeal of Staugustines for the men of the Republic of Blah. Men (such as myself for example) who refuse to allow orthodoxy and conformity displace the opportunity to seek God on the terms He put inside me. To choose to allow God to reveal Himself in the silence rather than conjour Him in endless choruses and desperate Pentecostalism. It's a passion to restore God to nature, to give meditation a chance and perhaps consider we can learn as much from the Tao Te Ching as we can from the Purpose Driven Church. In a maxim: Worshipping outside the box.

Ultimately, spirituality is a practise and I choose to offer my God sweet smelling insence when other's choose to give Him the lyre and harp, and I am more grateful for the ability to dissent from the evangelical orthodox than I am hung up on the gulf between the two beliefs.

(So go in peace, to love and serve the Lord).

Bad Paintings of Barack Obama

2009-03-15T23:10:00.001Z

http://www.badpaintingsofbarackobama.com/

I don't get it...

Fantasy Fund Manager

2009-03-15T18:56:00.004Z

This has to be one of the best things on the internet right now.

Exactly as it says on the tin really, I have £100k to invest in JPMorgan funds over the next few months (starting in the new financial year).

The funds I've invested in are:

JPMorgan UK Dynamic: 25%

Which has a 90% : 10% split between UK and Money market weighting respectively. I expect the Money Market will perform well with the global instibility so having a 10% stake should offset the volatile holdings (such as HSBC and BAE), though larger holdings are in more stable companies like Tesco and Vodafone which have shown consistent growth in market share and asset value.

Aberdeen Emerging Markets: 25%

Funny old name for a fund, especially when the holdings are distributed between:
Brazil, India, Mexico, Hong Kong, Korea, China, South Africa, Israel, Thailand etc. Again, I hope this will capitolise where the instability of the West is propped up by global primary industries. Let's hope the government keeps using `protectionism` as a taboo...

AEGON UK Equity A GBP 10%

... But if they don't, it's good to have some interest in UK based brands such as BAE, Vodafone, BP, Glaxo etc.

M&G Optimal Income A Inc 25%

Nice solid brands, like McDonalds, Vodafone, France Telecom, Tesco, Walmart etc.

Cash 15%
Nice lovely Cash...

So in Summary:
Here's a lovely pie chart.

snigger

2009-03-13T15:57:00.001Z

Every cloud...

2009-03-11T22:18:00.001Z

she now looks like Matt Lucas

If you're not for us, then...

2009-03-09T16:40:00.002Z

I personally consider myself rather conscious of climate change slash global warming (and quite firm on defining the difference)... I recycle, turn off the lights (sometimes even when I'm using them so the environment knows I'm suffering to give it a break), I cycle to work, I am a shallow breather so all in all, I think if I were to apply for a ticket to this they might be a bit sceptic of me. But then I rememberaed earlier today that when I was wee I used to put my finger over the solar panel of my texas calculator and watch the upside down `80085` on the screen slowly but surely die a painful and calculated (see what I did there?!) death. That used to amuse me no end, so maybe I'm not so different from those those who would sooner burn oil for fun than venerate solar power?

Omar al-Bashir

2009-03-06T00:44:00.004Z

So the toss pot dictator of Sudan is the world's first leader to be convicted by the ICC while still in office.

Firstly, the objective morality that relates to the guy who co-ordinates ~~genocide~~ `35,000 violent deaths` calls the arrest warrunt the first step towards a triumphant victory against tyranny and the typically This is Africa indifference to life and suffering at the expense of hypocritial `liberators`.

Since the West have had a conscious idea of morality and justice it has been serially apathetic towards the sufferings in Africa (indeed, one can't help but question whether the only reason this was reported at all was for the ramifications of the oil markets). From British Empire colonial impositions to S. African apartheid, to Rwandan genocide to Zimbabwen tyranny at the hands of Mugabe, to Sierra Leone, to Etheopian famine, Kenyan drought, civil war in Central African Repb., the AIDS epidemic in Swaziland, the current displacement camps in Chad... There's no end to the amount of inhumanity we, as aware Westerners, have to account for. I can therefore, only hope that this arrest warrent for al-Bashir will set a new precedent in deeming what we see as acecptible to go on in the world. A message to dictators everywhere that ethenic cleansing, forced mass migration, war crimes, assasinations, torture, multilation, systematic rape and all other attrocities will not be tolerated by those who hold a belief that crimes against humans are crimes against humanity.

But for all my ideology and deliberate rhetoric, I know this attitude is naive. The West will remain ambivolent to these crimes. Like the man who watches another get kicked to death by chavs, he knows it's appalling and turns his head knowing that the challenge to intervene is too heavy to burden alone and not having the courage to ralleigh support. But it's not fear of intervention that ails the superhero West this time, but a diplomatic faux pas from the ICC.

The Sudanese Government will call this arrest warrent a conspiracy by the West for oil, regurgetating the same spin the liberalists used against Bush's invasion of Iraq. They'll claim the West will try to usurp the president and in doing so, al-Bashir will denounce and discredit the ICC's ruling and live in a country convinced of their president's relative right to rule.

I think it's a shame Iraq has tarnished the moral image of the need to intervene in international `incidents`, as our militray is towards breaking point and the reputation of the UN Security Council to keep the peace is all but ruined. Should those efforts have been focused towards Mugabe's Zimbabwe (as I argued at the time!) one can't help but feel that intervening in places like Sudan might be a more viable option.

Instead the only option left to this bastion of human rights we call the West is the flacid ICC paying lip service to justice.

...

2009-03-05T10:50:00.001Z

Capitolism vs Globalisation

2009-03-05T08:11:00.000Z

Reading about AIG got me thinking: if a company is big enough to lose $28m a day for so long without anyone batting an eyelid and then enticing the self preservation statement``too large to fail``, what sort of a world do we live in when corporations become indispensible?

We live now, in a situation where (to the chagrin of the FSA) protectionism, tighter investment fund regulations, banker accountabilities etc all seem more like a responsible necessity. As someone who's not too badly hit by the recession - but still pissed off enough to look down on the banks from the moral high ground of irritated hindsight - I don't want to see a banking or economic system that's mollycoddled by the FSA or worse still, one that's under the thumb of the treasury as that would be contrary to the goals of capitolism.

Which raises the question, what relationship should the state have with capitolism?

That moral highground is leaning heavily to the left right now but that's because those affected by the economic downturn have been financially violated by everything from endowment mortgages to hedge fund performance. And then some more with looming redundancy and the tabloid's `WE'RE ALL GUNNA DIE!` stance on the situation! All this collaborates to ostracize the banks as brands to whom people entrust their money, and undermines the system through which the country grows its wealth.

But despite the sense that thinking offers, it's ultimately a knee-jerk response. A petulent attitude that's most often seen in the insecure opinion: the wrongly placed frustration against those whom you trusted but were let down by. The deferal of responsibility that doesn't acknowledge the need of the individual to so much as monitor, let alone police, those in whom they have quite literally, put their trust.

I'm not trying to defend the banks in saying that. Indeed if anything I think that thought vilfies them more by highlighting their indifference to their customer's collective blind eye.

But if the en masse consumer body are demonstrably incapable of protecting their own assets by scrutinising the funds their banks invest in, and the bonus system that governs the fund managers leads to unstable investments, then it stands to reason the government or FSA should patrol the corporate investments for danger spots.

But let us not forget that this financial year is the polar opposite of the 1980s where yuppies playing the market intellegently swelled the FTSE 100 growth to 13-14% over the year (or something like that) and if the endowment policy holders or savers of the time actually received anything near that amount would probably say that controlled market economies and protectionism are rediculous concepts. So it's reasonable to say that the `common sense` view on the relationship between state and capitolism is as whimsical as the markets themselves.

What the policyholders and bloggers are calling out for now is therefore a sustainable and effective banking system, where the state is simultaneously both and neither guarentor and naive to the practises of investment banking. I think it's tempting to argue that such an initiative has never been practised, and there is no precedent for such an industrious relationship to build from. I think that's an over complication of the reality of capitolism.

The very foundation of capitolism is that through pro-actove industry and the wherewithal for people to forge their own fortunes (and poses rights over the money they earn) is what the West is all about. This system works. It's always worked. It works because it calls on the basic human compulsion to work for the self, and in doing so society is mutually benefitted. Relatively small societies, such as the parochial village or market town all flourish on this concept of trade. The problem we face in this current recession is, however, nothing to do with capitolism, rather the globalisation of capitolism.

I think globalisation is the worst-case-scenario self-fulfilling prophecy of the nature of capitolism. There is of course, a moot debate over the simple pro's and cons of globalisation, but ultimately, it wipes out or engulfs competition to the point where the biggest business occupies a ~100pc market share. This then means the whole industry sub-sector relies on this one (or more) business and is at it's managemental whims and mercies.

This was the case in early broadcasting with the BBC, the Royal Mint, even the DVLA and for this instance governmental legislation is required to stop the compaies who monopolise the sector to abuse their position. So when the banks get into this position where five banks essentially run the country and the rest of the finance sector scatters market share between a handful of companies (like AIG) the mutual jostling and pro-active passion to make money through capitolist principles of sucess and entrepeneurism are overwhelmed by the closed circle investments that go on. As one bank swells in wealth, so too does the bank that has a stake in it. Put simply, when one fund area fails badly (like the American mortgage sector) the industry collapses like a pack of cards.

The globalised banks who are complicit in their own demise are certainly to blame for the economic crisis, as are the government agencies who allowed this all to go on, but the blame doesn't lie in the habit of investing in poor funds. Nor does blame lie in the bonus system that caused near sighted investment choices like that to happen. The blame doesn't even lie at the door of the FSA who's job it is to police the practise of commercially sensible banking. Instead the blame lies in the over globalisation of the banking sector.

The more banks that merge means the previously abundant pockets of fiscal capitol agglomorate more and more towards a singularity. The gamle is higher with bigger capitols, and the ante is raised too much for smaller competition to be taken seriously in terms of the wider trade markets.

So regarding the policyholder's cry for sustainable banking, the equalibrium between state intervention and autonymous banking doesn't lie in a legislative balance, but in a re-assertion of basic capitolist free-market principles but with the added flavour of wider competition and discrete investment funds.

Of course the industry needs policing in some way, but the legislation needs to be hands off: guidelines that shape the picture of the sector rather than dictate the cans and cannots of its practises. Free markets flourish, so to avoid this all happening again, we need to see the government keep the wealth scattered and the practise of mutually beneficial trade built on the backs of real world industries. We need to avoid putting financial eggs in the basket of imaginary money from American mortgages. Intead, keep investment in the working sector: in contruction, in property, in retail, in the fruits blue collar labour that won't go away.

In short: we need a typicly conservative free-market economy built on the backs of left wing values, and at the end of the day, that's all capitolism is, baby. That's all capitolism is.

My old school friend John Galea

2009-03-03T23:21:00.003Z

John Galea was my friend from middle school who always wanted to be famous.

One can't help but admire the passion he had from singing into a bic in year 5 to following that into re-locating to Stratford (the music capitol of Europe?) and go all out to find the fame that illudes most pop wanabees.

I really hope John makes it as he really deserves to be famous, but, to be fair...

... In hindsight, I'm uneasy that this guy slept round my house.

P.s:
<-- lol

2009-03-01T16:27:00.000Z

A ~~blonde~~ Sociology Student is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another ~~blonde~~ Sociology Student on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other ~~blonde~~ Sociology Studentreplied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

! نعم يمكننا€

2009-02-28T00:27:00.005Z

That's Arabic for `Yes we can!`.

I'm reading the Audacity of Hope at the moment, and as something of a political-sceptic, I'm finding myself rather aroused by it all.

I don't ever remember bein this randy by '97 when New Labour spun it's funky thang*. That's probably a combination of me being a wee ten year old at the time and a sapient hindsight that sees through the spin. And so, with the smugness of this hindsight, I still don't remember swallowing the fruits of Alistair Campbell's electoral gaydar whole, and to my memory most of my family took the whole `Tony will make all our problems go away` mentality with a pinch of salt.

And so when Obamarama came about and is introduced to the wee UK by the media as `the black guy`, with the statutory `potential first black president` alluding to `new era` alluding to `new hope les in Obama`, out came the rocksalt for a good old three finger pinch.

But the more the campaign trail went on the more I softened to Obama. His addresses certainly seemed sincere and he carried himself with a certain nonchelant authority that's seldom seen by those vying for the premiership. By the time it was (an ultimately) three horse race between menopause woman wanting to live up to her husbands legacy, pensioner wanting to live the republican dream*** and Obama, I found myself quite vehemently rooting for Obama and, whether blinded by naivity or animated by the media hype, getting swept along with the `new hope` bandwagon.

By the time election came and race between St. Obama and Geriatric-John came to, I (as I suppose did most people I knew) couldn't really stomach a world where Obama wasn't the president of the most powerful nation. Kind of like the `cup final`: Spurs blatently won't win against Man United so the gn00bs that support Man U, in their pre-emptive celebrations won't imagine any other outcome than that which belies their happiness and revelry.

So a few months into the job and America's Big O' has done more good for the nation than Bush managed in a decade which means he's on his way to galvenising his legacy with his biggest proving ground - the trial by fire of making good on his manifesto.

In my tiny scepticle brain, words and actions are two different things and spin and attitude don't necessarily go hand in hand on the campaign trail, so I've waited til now to really look into Obama's ground breaking mentality and fresh air approach to politics. And so to `The Audacity of Hope` or ``Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream`` to call it by its happy subtitle.

The Audacity of Hope is a short bographical of the campaigns that took him to Senator in 2004, and the revelations that came from it. He makes no bones that his progressive liberal stance and Christian beliefs (in additition to his pro-choice views) might offend and makes it clear that at the end of the day, he's still a Democrat. Even the simple gesture of acknowledging this shows to me at least that this guy, in spite of his revolutionary momentum, is still a politician in a time of partisan politics.

But the liberalism he talks about directly relate to the bigger picture of what the American people want. I guess our direct (and disappointing) counterpart would be Dave Cameron who, it is safe to say pretty much gets told on Monday morning what the British electorate wants, then makes a speach about it on Tuesday afternoon and promptly forgets when Orange Wednesday comes around. But Obama's attitude certainly seems different to this. There's a freshness to the way he approaches these issues of the public.

Traditionaly the Republican party seem very much trying to squash the needs of the people into their own bolstered policies and broke welfare systems. For example, a not too old now bill was passed that bumped up massive taxes on prescription medicines to pay for the deficit that tax breaks for the wealthiest corproations now enjoy that was drafted and ratified by the Bush administration. The Obama attitude seems to be re-thinking the whole politic from the ground up: regurgetating the message heard at every election, but in a way that permiates the heart of Capitol Hill.

Another example comparing our two great and wise nations is the spending of federal/national funds to cushion the blow of the recession. Brown is pumping money into the black holes that are the trust funds of the banks which to me, is a bit like the crew of a sinking ship standing ono deck holding their hankies up to the wind to get the closer to shore rather than use them to stuff the holes in the keel. The Obama stance is more to do with securing what's important: the industry, the retail, the workforce and labour network, by driving money into the American car manufactering industry. By doing this the whole web of industries from the mining, import, logistics, manufacturing, designing, selling and ultimately purchasing of a car are kept afloat by real dollars and the cashflow that the economy depends on is sustained.

This isn't a primarily economic decision too, it's based on the will to keep Americans in jobs, paying mortgages instead of receiving state handouts. This tangental theme seems to be prevalent in his thinking, for example when talking about the hostile partisan politics of modern politics:

Quoting a conversation with an elderly Washington Hand... ``Back then anyone with any power in Washington had served in WWII. We might have fought like cats and dogs on issues. A lot of us came from different backgrounds, different neighbourhoods, different political philosophies. But with the war, we all had something in common. That shared experience developed a certain trust and respect. It helped us work through our differences and get things done``.

I've not yet finished the book but I'm inspired by it. After years of Bush... Well... Bushing it all up and before than Clinton sticking his cigars in the office property I'm excited by the future of the country, and with it the world. One can only hope the sincerity and zeal with which Obama is making his vision known filter feed to the rest of the world political scene. The bench mark has been set and the newly savvy electorate have thrown the gauntlet down to the party leaders in this country for them to inspire a flagging patritism and disillusioned country back to the lofty ideals that make democracy worth writing about...

``There was, and always has been another tradition to politics, a tradition that stretched from the days of the country's founding to the glory of the civil rights movement, a tradition based on the simple idea that we all have a stake in one another, and that which binds us together is greater than which drives us apart, and if enough people beleive in the truth of that proposition and act on it, then we might not solve every problem, but we can get something meaningful done.``

* Incidently, you may wish to know `لا يمكن إلا أن الأمور تتحسن.`** is Arabic for `things can only get better`.

** Wow! if you type in arabic, because they read right to left the right keypad button tracks left and visa-versa. Ooooh. I feel like I understand much more of the chip on Al'Quaida's shoulder now. Maybe they'll be less frustrated and disolusioned with the West if someone nips into their BIOS settings and flips those two keys around?****

*** That's growing up in a rich family, doing a stint in 'nam and fitting in presidency before golf and eventually death and a cup of horlicks.

**** I'd be remiss if I didn't mention `death to the infa-Dell` somewhere...

Working Unpaid overtime is like Pandas your parents having sex

2009-02-26T11:04:00.003Z

... Even the thought of it makes you shudder but there was a time when it was necessary.

So after some long thinking, the unsurprising conclusion occured to me that when it comes to being a manager at where I work, my passion is 50% my will to succeed, 60% wanting a payrise and about -10% enthusiasm for the job, so I'll be closing the door on that line of work.

New management (whom shall remain nameless for the sake of my job) has been quoted as saying

``If you're not working at least 100% at least 100% of the time you can fuck off``

and

```short day` shouldn't enter your vocabulary``

(39 working week should be split into 4*8 hour days and a short 7 hour day).

This coupled with the continual blackmail of `work unpaid overtime or you'll be taken off your fast-track programme` doesn't inspire the average iBen.

The main comptetition to where I work have made the majority of their full time staff redundant and my employer seem to use that as the happy sword of damaclese in the manner of `work harder or it'll happen to you`.

So all in all, where I work is not a nice place to be at the moment, and so it is time for a change.

I've had the last week and 'arf off which has been good to get some headspace to find out what I want to do.

I went to the forum and the `learning shop`* (sigh) and went on a computer programme (like the 21st century post modern generation we are, I allowed my future to be decided for me by software) and clicked some brightly coloured buttons asking me whether I liked `working with children` or `do you enjoy following a set methodical process` and all that jazz. Anyhoo, the great PC thought long and hard and said I should be a naval architecht.

My naval always gets full of fluff so I don't want to let that spill into my working life so the next suggestion was I should be a quantity surveyor and there's no way I can work from not until retirement with `tity` in my job title so that went out of the window.

PC diligently kept suggesting things like `architechtural technician` which sounded interesting but on closer inspection turns out you need a degree to be a scivvy. Everything needs a degree, incidently. I might moan about that some more later perhaps.

Anyhoo, I thought I was being a bit ungrateful to poor old PC (it was working so hard, I'd never seen a WINDOWS 95 machine busy light so passionate about helping me find a job) so I decided to be an accountant.

Yup, the glorious, life changing adrenaleine rush that is adding receipts and calculating the VAT and adding that to a ledger and then adding up more receipts and calculating the VAT and adding that to a different ledger and if there's time, finding the sum total of some receipts working out the tax and putting that on one of these ledgers one reads so much about.

Definately the career for me. I love numbers, I'm not good enough with them to do anything worth while so I'll stick to the trused +*-/% calculator functions for the next half century.

I think I'll be happy there.

* something left wing and Labour funded full of `... liaison officers` and `employment facilitators` alluding to the same conclusions one can find through google and ringing City College but helps the government's image of progress and supporting the average joe on the street in a way that's cheaper than cutting NHS waiting times, putting more bobbies on the beat or reducing class sizes.

Weekendamajig

2009-02-24T22:51:00.004Z

This weekend was nice.

My big brother got married (to a woman, which closes the door on a lot of my 13 year old banter) in a big ole hotel in Wales which was nice. I was an usher but didn't get thanked in the groom's speech (though I thanked my ushers in mine, not that I'm sore or anything - no seriously it's okay, it's fine, don't worry about me).

Then after that he was all married 'n' that. And so was Rhian. And Blah remained married. Smugly.

Then I went mountain biking with my friend JD which was similarly immense, more mud, but I'm sure just as much adrenaline looking at my big brother at the ~~altar~~ front of the civil ceremony.

While doing this, my wife who is Laura went for a day out in Bath which is a place near Bristol which is a place on the Bristol Channel because this is where JD lives now and where Jane Austen used to live and she liked that. Then we all went out for dinner at a pub and I drank lots of coke (because I threw up the previous evening's ale that morning). And then we were walking home but I was alert and sobor and heard this from an underground trendy smoky jazz bar... wait, I'll get the link, hang on...

Dale Hambridge Trio Myspace

Which I has to say was some of the very very best live music it has ever been my pleasure to listen to. So we all sat in a corner booth with an overpriced bottle of chablis and mellowed into the music.

Then we came home and went to the gallery with the wife in Norwich Castle which was also nice.

Oh, and we hired a Yaris, which was a 1 litre in-line 3 cylinder which was the most disappointing thing ab00t the weekend but we didn't let that spoil our time for we are strong people.

Grr!

So in summary:

Good:
Big brother isn't homo (not that I'd think any different)
Jazz
Mountain biking with JD
La likes Bath
The exhibition about decorative arts in the castle
Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazz Club (remmeber that??)

Bad:
Yaris
6 pints of worthingtons

And don't forget, for YOUR chance to win a weekend for two in sunny Brixton, send your suggestions for what I should be doing with my life. Send answers the back of a postcard to Benquest, Livingstn St, Norwington, PO Box 1337. Don't forget to include your name, age, adress and a daytime contact telephone numbers. Winners are selected at random. All under 16s must be accompanied by an adult, and always ask permission from whoever pays the bill. Good luck!

This blog was brought to you, in part by http://www.rhymezone.com/

Luke Skywalkers's Old Man -> Jafar

2009-02-19T01:41:00.004Z

!!!!YES I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!

Huge moment for me that can only be summed up in an emoticon

:::DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd

Let's re-cap this epic journey of pictoral mallet's mallet

Jafar
Michael Jackson
Nigella Lawson
Lawrence Lllewgwens Bowens
Julio Iglesiers
Jack Nicholsons
Sir Alan Sweet 'n' Lo
Rory McGrath
Mick Hucknell
Swampy
Luke Skywalker
Luke Skywalker's dad (artistic licence)
Jafar

Swampy -> Luke Skywalker

2009-02-19T01:39:00.002Z

Mick Hucknall -> Swampy

2009-02-19T01:33:00.002Z

Rory McGrath - > Mick Hucknall

2009-02-13T23:38:00.002Z

Sir Alan Sugarcube -> Rory Mcgrath

2009-02-12T23:27:00.001Z

Things I actually REALLY do want to like (have tried) but, regrettably, just don't like

2009-02-12T22:42:00.005Z

Sting
Wuthering Heights
Sunny beaches (and the film Beaches with Bette Middler - disliked too much for its own entry here)
The West Wing
Biology
Parsnips
Weed
The Message [translation]
David Cameron
Evangelical Extraversion
Jarqouarn Phoenix
France
Y-fronts
The xylaphone
Motorola mobile phones
Roast Chestnuts
Motorbikes
Painting
Jospeh Hayden
Aluminium cooking pots and pans
ACDC
Renaults/Citroens/Pergeuts (pattern?)
The Observer
Football
Dogs
Dad-in-law's taste in music
My job at the moment
Cubism
Swimming
Keeping my mouth shut

Things I haven't tried but think I would like given the appropriate opprtunity

The Louvre (if the locals don't bother me)
Aston Martin DB9
Jayma Mays
Duck a l'Orange
Speaking Italian properly
Toni and Guy Haircut
Morocco
Growing old together with La
Children
Paying off the wedding

That's a ratio of 3:1 that shows that the world is more empiricly disappointing than it is hopeful.

Sorry to put a dampner on your day.
.
.
.
.
.
Butt-on the plus side, it's not that bad - at least you probably didn't marry a rapist. (And if you did, then... well. Isn't much I can say to that really is there)

Jack Nicholson -> Sir Alan Sugar

2009-02-11T23:25:00.001Z

Julio Ingrasiers -> Jack Nicholsons

2009-02-10T23:17:00.002Z

Lllweewllwen Bowens -> Julio Iglasias

2009-02-09T23:13:00.002Z

Nigella -> Llawrence Llewen Bowwen

2009-02-08T23:04:00.000Z

Dita Von Teese -> Nigella Lawson

2009-02-07T10:57:00.000Z

Michael Jackson -> Dita Von Teese

2009-02-06T10:53:00.000Z

So La came up with Pictoral Mallet's Mallet

2009-02-05T22:50:00.002Z

. We;ve thus far gone from Jafar to Prince.

Now Prince to Michael Jackson

What Blah did this evening,,,

2009-02-04T09:42:00.003Z

We all did Tae Bo, except for me

We played darts with a rubber band. La won with 5 points to my zero :(

We moaned about Tesco delivering our shopping late

We booked a holiday to Scotland to see La's families

We watched aladin and decided that Jafar is the same person as Prince

Then we went to bed*.

So it is concluded that Blah does not need a tele licence.

* Not in that way!!!

Eddy Grant cover reggae collaborations in 1994 that reached #1 in UK charts and was the 4th biggest selling single in 1994 UK do it for me

2009-01-23T00:22:00.003Z

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

I miss the '90s :(

Tragic Waste

2009-01-20T17:00:00.005Z

I noticed my friend Emily's facesbooks status was

``Emily O'Dell rolled her car in the ice this morning :'( and it apparently lucky to be alive``

Convo:

iBen: You Rickrolled your car?

*types furtively into youtube for humerous link to copy*

emily: yeah and i should be dead so its not funny

*iBen is confronted with moral dilema for some time*

*lets comedy gold moment slip by*

Ben: *hug*

Pic of the car can be found here

i

2009-01-15T22:22:00.006Z

I think the most extraordinary PR convention of this century is the prefix `i`. I think started this with the iMac PC, which was nice but even so the iMac still played secondary fiddle to the PC... Then when the iPod came out, IIRC, somehow the i became synonymous with the revolutionary ground breaking technology of the f(√-1), mixed with the sleek sexy design of the device.

I think `i` became a vision of the future*... Or at least a vision of a new kind of future. Tomorrow's technology today - the gratification of a demanding and wallet happy consumerist mentality. The iPhone, iPlayer, iTunes, iMax, iMan, the iRon man, iCar etc etc. These are all versions of what we all had before but just one notch better. However, as a consumer body, we didn't want `phone 2.0` or a `mp3 player de-lux`, instead `i` became the new new. The prefix of a new generation. So we became (indeed so we remain) excited by `iPhone` and `iPod`.

I think it's amazing that that simple wee letter can influence the consumer market and product perception so much. After all, it is meaningless. It's not trademarked, there are no real corporate brand values associated to it (aside from 's of course), no watchdogs governing when and by whom it can be used, no critical scrutiny only a shared idea of what `i` should entail. And still the little `i` has more power than `beta`, The Macdonald's `mac`, `[product] de lux`, `[software] 2.0`, `[Someone's name] & Sons`, brands/prefixes/redundant appendages put together.

Maybe `i` is a deliberate subconscious tempatation of the original personal pro-noun. An intentional ploy by the marketing industry. A PR new era.

Either way, I like my iPod and it feels nicer because it's not an mp3 player, and I guess that mentality (and the reliance of people's gullability to swallow it whole as I do) is what the whole `i` phenomenom is about.

*Not the pragmatic future that 1950s sci-fi envisaged with robots clunking around the house putting the washing on calling you `master` while you tan yourself with the tin foil ray gun.

Working Unpaid overtime is like Pandas having sex

2009-01-09T22:54:00.001Z

... no one wants to see it done but the long term results are worth it

Dear Karla Natasha Smith Cohen

2009-01-06T22:51:00.000Z

Dear Karla Natasha Smith Cohen (University of Maryland, College Park ; Lecturer ;BSOS-Criminology & Criminal Justice)

Greetings from across the pond that is the Atlantic Ocean. My name is Inspector Benjamin Francois Fosterson. Your name was given to me by Hercule Christie, a remarkable young man.

I do hope you'll forgive this intrusions but I have a murder mystery that only you can solve. You'll excuse my Byronic side stepping of chit-chat-chot and get straight to the knitty and the gritty.

On the 11th of December 2008 a young man called Patricia (it's a British thing) Harrington-Blyghte was walking home past the hedge that he always passed when he went by that spot. What was curious about this time, (which we assume was the FERST time) a man/woman/murder leapt from said bush and knifed to death Mr Pat with a blade of some sort. What was curious as to this particular incident which the police are calling `Stabzilla` was that the `Ty-stab-asaurux Rex` left a tantellising clue at the scene of the incident that police are treating as a crime due to the suspicious circumstances of Mr Pat's death. (Suiside is all but ruled out due to the repeated lunge blows to the Julugar vein).

This clue was in the form of a pine cone. Inside of which was left a bug that has hitherto been seldom seen. About the bug, not much is known save that it is called the `Jewbug` (Often refered to as the `Hayfever Beetle`) and can only be seen in certain places of South Norfolk. It is categorised by yellow `go faster` stripes along its flank and long neck.

After seeing the Silence of the Lambs I realise that bugs mean a lot when dealing with Stab-a-sauri and wondered whether you knew could enlighten me as to the meaning behind the Hayfever Beetle in a pine cone at the scene of the crime.

Any information you have will be literally helpful. My telephone number is 07890 189390 if you wish to discuss this matter further. Failing this, write to me on this adress.

Time is of the essence!

Yours sincerely

Detective Benvolio Francois Fosterson

P.s I do hope you'll excuse me writing from a personal e-mail adress but the Metropolitain Police Computer we all share has been taken away for cleaning this week because DCI Rogers spilt tea on it (the tit!). Next week I can be contacted on crime@met.police.com.uk as usual though.

Dear Archie

2008-12-26T23:48:00.001Z

Dear the Arched Bishops of Cantebury

Hello. And God bless to you all. My first name is Benvolio and I am here to speak to you about a subject that is very close to my heart, and the greatest of these is love.

But I haven't come all the way down here to talk to you about the gayness of bishops, or indeed the gayness of straighshops. But I would like ot take this very opportunity to talk to you about the clothing what you all wear. I takes for examples of the hassock and that of the crozier. They seem bulky at best or a danger waiting to hazard at werse!!

What with all that climbing up and subsequently down churches and indeed cathedrals and such the hassock must indeed must get in your literal way and thus be of dangerness to yourselves. Praise God you(plural)'ve not been injured as of thusly far.

I and my wife have therefore devised a right good new uniform!!!!!1 Are indeed you not thrilled?

Let me walk you through this revolution of this epoch's must have ecclesiastical wear... This is a uniform that will see you through to the post-post-modern era.

There is a picture if the new Postmodernisticalistic uniform directly inside of that link there. You can see all it has to literally offer.

That's aboout it really. As you can see, it's safe, no tripping up robes getting up pullpitz, ladders and such, is fully certified to British Standards E8678f g and r. There is also room for coroporate sponsorship on various places on the uniform. (Just so you're aware Bensons for Beds are very interested to begin talks with you).

So, let let me know what you think yeah? I for one am literally confident that this will boost your flagging numbers and make your church friendly and happy.

Our Indonesian factories are beginning making 50,000 units first thing tomorrow ready to be containerised back to the UK for the beginning of Easter. Our factories are relatively ethical and has amongst the fewest nutrition related industrial accidents in Asia Minor.

Yours sincerely
And also with you

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown

Dear Benjamarno

2008-12-23T23:11:00.000Z

Dear Sainsbury's Shared HR Service PP Tescos

Don't you think that's a bit of a silly way of assessing someone? I mean you could hire anphibians with that logic:

age: crocodiles can live up to 150 years old. do you want a 150 year old crocodile working there?
Race: it's literally not in the anphibians nature to race one another. In fact they can't get their head around it and some of us lost a substantial amount of money in the effort.
Colour: Green... well if you had an iguana quality checking lettuices you'd lose him. (And there's also the danger of him mating with one)
Body Shape: No thumbs, 5 foot long tail, sharp claws and teeth. You sure you wouldn't discriminate against that?
Ethenic Origin: Most reptilian anphibians are decendants of the dinosaurs so out-age you and me. Would you hire someone with that reputation? I mean you wouldn't hire a ginger haired person as they'll have deadly viking genes. By the end of the day the cleaners won't know what's blood and what's ketchup!
Gender: Ever met a frog on its period? I have and I wouldn't let them in my shop. DEADLY! and they cry a lot.
Sexual Orientation: What if their sexual orientation was a fettish for Onions (medical term is `layerhardonium`) In my experience no oone wants to buy a Wet onion.
Family Status: What if their status on families are they hate families. so much so they'd slaughter every family that came through the door? No discimination still?
Religion: If they're Muslim I think at the least you should make them hand over their shoes... you know... just in case. Don't want a Richard Reid scenario on a busy saturday afternoon in the bread aisle. That would RUIN the shopping experience for all customers.
Disability: No arms or legs, no tongue, has cancer, pug nose and neck ache... what can this man contribute to the business?
HIV/AIDS: I understand that the Prime Minister HIVs an AID to help him with his day but why would shelf stackers need to HIV an AID? Does Tesco pay for the AID? Because they don't come cheap.

I think I've made my point. Perhap's you should review your policiy's and run them by me okay?

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown

From: HRSS Careline
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Tuesday, 23 December, 2008 15:00:11
Subject: RE: Bittter Sanguine

Good afternoon,

Thank you for your email.

All available in-store vacancies are to be found and applied for through the Careers link on our website, www.sainsburys.co.uk

We are an Equal Opportunities Employer and welcome applications from all members of the community. All applications are reviewed fairly, regardless of (but are not limited to), a person's age, race, colour, nationality, body shape, ethnic origin or community background, gender, sexual orientation, family status, religion or belief, disability, real or suspected, living with HIV/AIDS, differing working patterns, political/religious affiliation, ex-offender status or membership/non-membership of a Trade Union.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact our HR Shared Service Centre on 0845 602 3860. Hours of opening are Monday to Friday from 8.00am until 7.00pm and from 9.00am until 5.00pm on Saturdays.

Kind Regards,

Sainsbury’s HR Shared Service

P Please consider the environment before printing this email.

From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 23 December 2008 14:54
To: HRSS Careline
Subject: Re: Bittter Sanguine

Dear Sainsbury's HR Shared Service PP Tescos

Thank you for your recent response to my recent enquiry.

As Shared HR, what is your policy on hiring disproportionate people? Would my lone eye higher than the other get me rejected at the recruitment stage? What counds as offensively deformed?

Yours sincerely

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown

From: HRSS Careline
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Tuesday, 23 December, 2008 10:26:21
Subject: RE: Bittter Sanguine

Good morning,

Thank you very much for your email, however, as this is the email address for Sainsbury’s Recruitment enquiries we regret that we are unable to address your query.

Kind Regards,

Sainsbury’s HR Shared Service

P Please consider the environment before printing this email.

From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2008 19:58
To: HRSS Careline
Subject: Bittter Sanguine

Dear Tescos The Supermarketeers

Well. Well well well. I am disappointed. No disappointed is too week a word.... I am sanguine after a trip to my local discount Tescos in Norwich .

I was shocked, and if you will, appalled that you allow such funnily shaped people to work at your stores.. One understands each person has their own build and design - why I myself have one eye higher than t'other but in your Tescos the Supermarket Store, I did not see a single well proportioned member of staff.

Do you get them from the zoo? Do you coo at them from behind their bars? Do you tempt them in with... y'know... animal food? And put a blue chequered shirt on them and call them shelf stackers? Is that what you do?

One member of your staff who went by the name of `Billy-Bobby Zestyface` couldn't point to a shelf when I asked him `can you point me in the direction of the nearest shelf, Billy-Bobby Zestyface?`. As simple an order as a customer can give and all I received was a blank stare. I figured it out in the end by my own self.

I expect every single person in the company to be fired by noon tomorrow or I will personally tell you off. You are accountible and responsible for this. You and you alone. Oh, you'll have mutant blood on your hands if I see a single employee working for Tescos the Supermarket in 2010.

From then on, I will personally undertake the task of recruiting normal shaped staff as you are obviously not capable are you? ARE YOU!?

You will respond to this message within twenty four hours. I have made myself clear.

Benvolio Haversham-Brown

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This footnote confirms that this email message has been swept by
Sainsbury's Systems for the presence of computer viruses.

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Don't print this email unless you really need to; think of the environment and save a tree!

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Try something new today and visit www.sainsburys.co.uk for food and drink inspiration, financial services, latest product news and much more, or to shop online.

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Don't print this email unless you really need to; think of the environment and save a tree!

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This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please notify the system manager (postmaster@sainsburys.co.uk).

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This footnote also confirms that this email message has been swept for the presence of computer viruses, but does not warrant that the message is virus free.

Email sent to Sainsbury's systems may be monitored by the company.

J Sainsbury plc (185647 England )
Sainsbury's Supermarkets Limited (3261722 England )

Registered Offices:
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London EC1N 2HT

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Could find an email adress for Tesco so I sent this to Sainsbury's instead

2008-12-22T19:58:00.002Z

Subject Bitter Sanguine

Dear Tescos The Supermarketeers

Well. Well well well. I am disappointed. No disappointed is too week a word... I am sanguine after a trip to my local discount Tescos in Norwich.

I was shocked, and if you will, appalled that you allow such funnily shaped people to work at your stores. One understands each person has their own build and design - why I myself have one eye higher than t'other but in your Tescos the Supermarket Store, I did not see a single well proportioned member of staff.

Do you get them from the zoo? Do you coo at them from behind their bars? Do you tempt them in with... y'know... animal food? And put a blue chequered shirt on them and call them shelf stackers? Is that what you do?

One member of your staff who went by the name of `Billy-Bobby Zestyface` couldn't point to a shelf when I asked him `can you point me in the direction of the nearest shelf, Billy-Bobby Zestyface?`. As simple an order as a customer can give and all I received was a blank stare. I figured it out in the end by my own self.

I expect every single person in the company to be fired by noon tomorrow or I will personally tell you off. You are accountible and responsible for this. You and you alone. Oh, you'll have mutant blood on your hands if I see a single employee working for Tescos the Supermarket in 2010.

From then on, I will personally undertake the task of recruiting normal shaped staff as you are obviously not capable are you? ARE YOU!?

You will respond to this message within twenty four hours. I have made myself clear.

Benvolio Haversham-Brown

Retrospective on 2008

2008-12-22T02:33:00.003Z

This year I...

* had a first anniversary

* moved house (only the once)

* changed department a zillion times

* got made a trainee manager

How lame is this? This is all I've acheived this year!!!

I don't normally do new years resolutions but desperate times, desperate tape measure 'n' all that.

Ben's 2009 Resolutions

* Be signed off as a fully fledged awesome manager

done

If you were writing cheques your body can't cash

2008-12-19T02:54:00.001Z

You'd be doing that by now!

(La, I think it's important to our relationship that we look for Top Gun in the January sales!)

My Fun Day In Hariboland

2008-12-15T23:56:00.010Z

I thought it had been a while since I've been to Hariboland so I took a little leasurely drive past the Alt key.
||||
Then I got into a race with some other guys
||||
AND I CAME JOINT FIRST!
||||
So to celebrate we made a human pyramid but it didn't break any records.
||||
And the frogs gave thanks to the snowman.
||||
And the snowman was appeased so we watched the sunset together pensievely.
||||
So home I went for another day. Happy.

The end.

From The Week In Pictures

2008-12-14T12:29:00.002Z

Every weekend The Telegraph publish a little collection of `pictures of the week` of querky interesring things from around the world. (Veterans of this blog might remember my captions - that's where thems was from)... anyway, this one fancied my tickle

Linky Link

`Batmobile gets a parking ticket outside the GMTV studios in London`

Dear The Queen

2008-12-11T22:49:00.001Z

Dear the Queen

I am Lord Eldridge Haversham-Brown of Koquemonmouthshire. We met once at a party in aid of Nelson Mandela. I remember you having one glass too many of that godorful wine and crying about the disolusion of the commonwealth. ``The black man has no right to the Cape!`` you cried - I had to restrain you from throwing vol-au-vents at the diploments if you remember. Good times.

Anyway, I understand my son, Benvolio Haversham-Brown wrote to you with a splendid idea for the Christmas speech not long ago. I trust by now you've had sufficient time to digest the idea and have come to the conclusion that the lad has a point. Sharp as a button he is. Good looking too.

But the poor lad hasn't eaten or drunken since sending you that electro-mail. He's barely even breathed if I'm honest with you (which I always am). Poor bugger just feels in the dark and wants to know how much money you'll give for him to script the entire speech. Did you know he spent eight solid months researching the extract he gave you? He sent an informal copy to the Mirror who described it as `the perfect communicative equilibrium between the elitist upper eschiloms of intellegensia society and talkin' to right proper common slags w/out konfusin dem lololol`.

The guy is rather modestful. He is infact very very very good and will still work for pittance.

So if you could get back to him sooner rather than laters then I for one would appreciate it.

Yours with faithfulness

Lord Eldridge Haversham-Brown

Transcript

2008-12-11T19:20:00.004Z

7:12pmBenvolio

Do you want a cashmere sweater for Christmas?

7:15pmBen

7:15pmBenvolio

what size collar are you?

7:17pmBenvolio

(not that I'm sizing up a crazy stalker noose or anything)

7:17pmBen

i have no idea

small though

7:17pmBenvolio

Small? right. Well I'll get you a selection and you can choose what you like and the ones you don't use you can take back and get a refund for and then you can take me out to a lovely ploughmans lunch

Benvolio

what's your favourite colour?

wait

let me guess

is it green?

Ben

sounds awesome!

probably black or grey

7:23pmBenvolio

ah, now you see I'd have you down as a green person, but I was wrong.

wHen are What Jane Did Subsequently (thats's what I call them for a laugh) coming to N'arch? (that's what I call norwich for similar reasoning)

Ben

not sure unfortunately

7:27pmBenvolio

Ah shame, if they need a place to stay then we have a MASSIVE spare room or I can recommend some good hotels

or some bad ones but I won't bore you with data I assume you don't want to hear

Benvolio

Did you check my facesbooks group about you?

7:34pmBenvolio

Ben Adams? Are you still there, Ben Adams?

2008-12-11T19:18:00.001Z

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

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!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

Day 4 (mailshot)

2008-12-09T15:53:00.006Z

Okay, MAR-JO-SIVE news!!!

This is even bigger than when Ben Adams changed his name to be more like me!!

In 2001 Ben Adams and me bet a friend called Jane that she couldnl't get pregnant as back then we thought skinny women couldn't get pregnant past a certain point as there wouldn't be room for a baby (or `faetus`) to grow. Anyway, the bet was that if she miscarried she owed us a pie and a pint EACH, but if she won and gave birth to a healthy baby, Ben and me would raise the child as our own.

Anyway, nine months later as Ben Adams was talking to Andy Peters on Top of the Pops with his first number one hit, while at the same time poor Jane was in labour screaming like a PoW and I was stuck in Willesdon Green*!

I didn't know who I let down more. On the one hand, poor Jane had no one to hold her hand and rumour has it skinny people suffer a lot more in child birth, but all Ben Adams had was hundreds of groupies, cocaine and his fame and fortune. They both needed me and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place on the District Line.

So in the end I rang the hospital to pass the message to Jane saying `sorry I couldn't make it but bros before hos` and walked to the top secret BBC TOTP studios to make sure Ben was coping okay.

By the time I got to the BBC poor Ben was no where to be found, apparently he went off on his private jet to Rio DJ Aero or somewhere with Louise Nurding and a bottle of bollinger. So I couldn't help poor old Ben Adams in the end so off I went back to the Oxford Circus Maternity Hospital to check if Jane needed any help. When I got there, apparentlly she had checked out and asked not to be contacted by Ben Adams and me... well just me.

In hindsight, I let two people down that night, lost two friends and my half of a half a baby.

So off I went back to Norfolk and stayed there feeling upset for a long time. Until today.

Jane got in contact with me today explaining that Ben Aams and me have a son called `John Leslie Adams` who is now 7.

Apparently she did tell Ben Adams and he just came up with this.

So now it's serious, we HAVE to put pressure on Ben Adams to get in contact with me so we can raise this child!!!! He owes this child a second chance.

!GET ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO JOIN THIS CAUSE!

* I had been hoping to go from Liverpool Street, to Oxford Circus (to the Oxford Circus Maternity Hopsital) thence to the BBC stop which is the secret stop on the Central Line and therefore do both friends at the same time, but I'm from Norfolk so I managed to get the wrong line and end up on the South Bank.