From the Socialist Worker

Earlier today, the Tories issued a statement to the house of commons calling for an immediate blanket ban on prostitutes following the disappearance of three sex workers in Suffolk this week. In his announcement to the house; Shadow Home Secretary, MP for West Dorset and VIP member of `it's Thursday and it's Gay!` night at Bollo's Pub Rt Hon. Oliver Letwin declared:

``The number of Prostitutes both working and sciving in the country is simply intollerable and thank Betsy-of-the-Heavens for my good friend the Rt Hon. George Osbourne for making a start in the culling of these prods.``

His words left the Labour cabinet stuck for words for several moments as his address was meant to focus on NHS reform, however, Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown retorted his remarks with this:

``This party has seen the most constant steady rise in the services Britain's prostitutes provide since coming to power. We are second only to Holland in terms of both the clinical health of sex workers and hands-on technical ability.``

The Speaker of the commons, Mr Julian Clarey brought order to the house after both Mr David Cameron and Mr Ding Campbell showed clear contempt for the Chancellor's remarks. Sir Ding Campell went on to say:

``Will the chancellor once and for all give the House a definate answer as to whether he plans to tax the revenue of Britains sex workers or will he infer more and more phantom taxes like the 2001 Prostitute Conjestion Charges of Greater London` which can leave many of Britain's Prostitutes broke and confused after a hard evenings work?``

Gordon Brown left the question unanswered but retorted with reference to his Rage Against Beige campaign which aims to revolutionise the hitherto boring image of the state treasury department.

Mr Letwin, who by now had mysteriously adopted a peerage and a sainthood, appealed to the speaker that the Cabinet had not the inclination to cut the number of prostitutes on Britain's streets but fell asleep mid sentence.

George Osborne is expected to issue a report next week outlining a scheme to re-think the populisation of Britain's prostitutes.