I miss...

Literally everything about the 90s.

But this is absolutely, unequivocally, 100% Captain Ben certified GUARENTEED to make you smile:

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(told ya! Now keep that playing while you read on to keep you in right frame of mind...)

The problem is, I don't think I ever trully mourned the 90's and now it and me are nigh upon being seperated by a full linear decade. This upsets me and makes me feel old and detatched. After all, here in 2009 I still use the term `opal fruits`; I'd still prefer a Vauxhall Nova Mk A to any modern hatchback; I still sing ``Football's coming home`` on the way back from work (and ``Vindaloo`` while forklifting the other day)...

Today I was literally this || close to commenting on a customer's nokia 3210i; I still think saying ``I'm morag the cow!!`` is acceptible to quote when drunk; I'm still planning on learning the Macerana; I still think of the top 40 as `the Pepsi Network Chartshow with Dr Fox Live from the London Trocedero`; I still think of fields in the context of their potential rave holding logistics; which reminds me I still think big-box-little-box is a dance that makes ANYONE look cool...

I still think wearing all plain blue denim is okay; or wearing a full sleeved wolly jumper with turtle neck in summer can be understood; or wearing a cap backwards is the ultimate compromise of sticking it to the man (like Slobodan Milošević for example?) and looking fly; I think baggy t-shirts and parachute pants can be flattering with the right attitude...

I still think the Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, N-Sync, All Saints, Big Mountain is some of the best produced music the 20th century heard. The Silence of the Lambs was blatently better than Hannibal, and Die hard 3 is better than Die hard 2.

I miss the days before society made me feel guilty with things like Yakult and machines asking me `do you want to respond to this message now?` and `green alternatives` and the guilt associated with cheap meat. I miss not having to count 5 fruit and veg & 2500 calories & 50% carbohydrates & 6 litres of water every day of every week...

I miss the 10 minutes of waiting for the school's one multimedia machine to load an encarta page on soil; I miss 1-5-7-1 and 1-4-7-1 on BT landlines being a novelty; I miss the days before TV's told me to `press the red button`; I miss the days before microwaves were in the supermarkets for £19.99...

I miss chart music that wasn't based on fellatio innuendo and girls wanting me to wish my girlfriend was hot in the same ilk as themselves... I miss B*witched (Edele was my first redhead crush) and when even hip-hop had something to be happy about that wasn't in the same vain as pimps, hos and videos.I miss tamagotchis, yoyos, Pogs, tazzos, the original Mario Kart, Banjo Kazooi, snake (on nokia phones), mambo worms, lemmings and F zero X...

So, to 201x.... you've got 8 months, 4 days and 23.5 hours to prepeare yourself to be awesome as I'm not willing to accept anything less than '90s amazingness! To be honest, I've felt a bit let down by the naughties. We gave them a new dome, a new Labour, a new brand of pepsi and they've thrown all of them back in my face, well bugger the 200xs, they've had their chance.

You have the world's greatest proverbial cashcard, 2010... it had better not be rejected.