Jimmy Carr Jokes

When someone close to you dies… move seats.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.

I grew up in Slough in the 1970s.
If you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970s… go there now.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty.
But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
So I said, "All right, fatty."

Boxers don't have sex before a fight.
Know why that is?
They don't fancy each other.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.
So be careful at the next office Christmas party.

I live near a remedial school.
There's a sign on the road outside that says, "SLOW CHILDREN".
That can't be good for their self-esteem.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I went up to the airport information desk.
I said, "How many airports are there in the world?"

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.
But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 just the other day.
Eight of them from my girlfriend.
It's the two from my mum that really hurt.