iBlog: The Venerable Epoch


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Monday, September 11, 2006

The Venerable Epoch

The recent Labour Party exposition of internal division against an otherwise excellent leader, leaves me wondering: perhaps what we need isn't actually a Prime Minister to run the country. In fact, with anti-Clinton and Anti-Bush traits running through the last two decades I recon we can deduce a President doesn't work as a head of state either ... there's even enmity between proletariat and dictator; Christian and Priest; child and parent. So if I'm thinking this through correctly, it seems people per ce don't make good leaders.

Well either that or people don't make good subjects.


Okay, seeing as it's easier to change a leader than a populous, I'm going to have to save the country again aren't I. *rolls eyes and sighs* and work out what would make a better leader than a hooman bean.

Okay, so we'll assume the paragraph of my self-genius rhetoric has been read so here are my three propositions for the new leader of Great Britain.

1) A Shoe Box:
Although the historical accelades of a shoe box aren't quite distinguished enough for a Wikipedia mention, it's qualities as national leader stand the test of anonymity. For a start:

The shoe box, aside from it's limitless polymorphic qualities as a shoe and/or photo receptacle, also has in its capacity the venerable control and dominion of anything subject to it. For example:
Ben: Where are the shoes and/or photos, La?
La: They're in the shoe box being both neatly and safely secured in accessible storage that's not only low maintenence, but also easy to tessolate.
So we see the wonders of the show box as a storage device are manifold. But how do these relate to leading a country? Well I'd like a leader who can store lots of facts and treaties and memos and stuff neatly, someone who's easily accessible and can tessolate well in the House of Commons. The last point being of hidden importance because if we could fill Parliament with easily tessolatable box-shaped politicians, or even boxes for that matter, then we could fit more brain into governence of the land. Plus, no one ever heard of a back bench shoe box ousting otherwise perfectly fine (albeit graying) shoe boxes. In addition, Shoe boxes don't have affairs and normally give Jeremy Paxman a straight answer.

The main drawbacks of, for example, the Rt Hn. Sir McFrenzie Shoe MP of the Gateshead East & Washington West constituency running for regional representation is that shoe boxes (for all their governmental brilliance) hold very little sway with the public. Polls show that boxes and other such like recepticles (eg, hat boxes, even ring boxes) never have inspired anything other than servility in the eyes of the general public.

2) Salad
What the Shoe Box lacks in respect, the salad party makes up for by its public demand from nearly all social classes.

In election 1997, Polls taken of the UK electorate indicated salad had a seven point lead over the Tory Party, and lost out to majority representation in the House of Commons to the `New` Labour by a mere seventh of a point!

The Salad Party (or `New` Salad) was founded in 1992 by a partially eaten breakfast as a reaction to the growing inertia of the Cholesterol Syndicate of North Wales and Rhyll - a controversial contender for number ten amongst whose least favourable manifesto clauses included the motion of the 750 minimum calorie limit per meal and the demographic recommendation that vegans be fed to vegetarians to balance population growth and curb dietary radicals.

Being salad, it enjoys the predisposed favour of celebrities and perennial detoxers alike and has enjoyed a successful history in the limelight. However, unlike a shoe box, salad unfortunately wilts in the sun and generally goes mouldy in a few days and this quality has never been (and is likely to never be) condusive to a successful political leader.

This was most accurately demonstrated in 2001. New Salad gained a seat in the House of Commons in the 2001 General Election in the Knowsley North & Sefton East constituency, however, the salad bowl (consisting of tomato, cucumber, lettuice, chopped up carrot things and a side of salad cream) needed to be wheeled into Parliament's first meeting by a defector from the Summerset Movement for the Political Liberation of Salad, Condiments and Cold Meats Front (or SMPLSCCMF (part of the European Hippie Grub Lib. Network)). The cheaffeur of the salad was, lamentably, assasinated while walking around Westminster for `sympathising with politicly aware foliage`. The New Salad MP was abandoned in Downing Street for several weeks only to be sat on at the next meeting by an over zelous Tory, whose gustow in the vocalisation of anything that contradicted public consensus portended his rear end landing in several places along his chosen bench, invariably taking him further away in volume and geography from his stature of the beginning of the meeting. The salad said nothing throughout either meeting.

3) Tea
Tea, has the immediate advantages of public endorsement and keeps for several months (if not longer) before beeding to be refreshed.

Now if you don't think that `Colonially British` is enough of an oxymoron to detatch an object from its patriotic tratis, then you'll agree that despite tea having never been grown in this country it's an exclusivly Rule Britanic beverage. The backbone of our excellent nation.

History has shown that no battle on English territory has been faught before the consumption of tea and the blitz would have been sorted out only three explosions in if Hitler had attacked us after morning tea. Tea also invented the cloud and has saved Luton from armegeddon at leat three known times this decade from short fuzzy monsters who jump and exclaim Nerp! when angered by the red of certain passing cars. Tea leaves can predict the future and if asked politely, can lullaby babies to sleep.

So it's plain to see that tea has the good of our nation at heart and has proven itself over and over to be a sapeint role model for the green and plesant lands to which we are party. According to google search "tea" and "quotes" in `pages form the UK` The film Lock Stock has this to say:

"Eddie: The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken."

Which goes to show that I am again, correct. (Again, I'll try and be nonchalant and bypass the rhetoric of my brilliance).

However, with accolades such as these, it would be perfectly reprihensible to evade a rhetoric on the virtuous stead-fast nature of tea and its ability to run Parliament...

Tea stands up for what is good and propper: biscuits, sore throats, being cool on a hot day, warming up on a cold day, recovering from a hard day, and getting ready for just another day.
Tea doesn't object to where it's put. Whether it's a silver jubilee mug, a bone china mug with tacky clip art, a Victorianesque petite cup and saucer with quaint patterns, or whether it's a plain mug with a broken handle and has `the sun` stamped on in flakey red transfer on the side.
Tea doesn't discriminate against its drinker, whether they say ``cuppa tea goin', luv?`` or ``put us on a brew, duck`` or ``I say, I do believe it's high time for tea`` or even ``ching chiouw yiao yummy tea shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiow``.
Tea is mutable. Whether you like it green, black, yellow or white... hot or iced... fruity or charcoaly... aromatic or composite of sticks... in a strainer or in a bag... in a square, circular, or pyramid shaped bag - tea will always be what you want it to be.
Tea is self sufficient. It makes itself if you only add hot water - it blends and stirs and flavours by itself.

All good qualities to run the country.

So throw away your bulky party membership cards, ignore those lying intellegence officials, and hang the the words of those lying heads of department and state and let us place tea in the House of Commons to govern our lives.

The vicissitudes of political philosophy are running at full tilt toward Great Britain, and a torrent of just, and honourable leadership is dawning near. Leaving the human in charge of itself will invariably lead to a saturnine disaster of Biblical proportions. The propagation of honest and true leadrship is upon this land. RISE UP, KNIGHTS OF THE TIP!



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