The Enchanting Tale of Barryhandbag....
About fiftysix and a half years ago, while walking through the rainforrests of Borneo and Germany (who's respective land masses were later to be named `the land of the rising sun` - who's english translation is identical to that of it's origional name), my friend Shona and I, noticed a poor little defenceless little creature lying in its hammock screaming obscenities about the tribe of Benjamin at all who walked past.
Offended at such anti-sematism, yonder Shona and I, picked up this poor creature, who we now knew to be an aligator (we could tell it wasn't a crocodile cuz it had guy bits). However, inspite of all our expectitions for yonder aligator to scream more racial slurs and social slanders - the young grubby obscene specamin was most amiable - as was the aligator.
After taking it home to meet mother (who at that time was made purely of bamboo), Shona and I decided to name our finding after the two nouns of which it reminded us both:
Shona - `I thought it reminded me of a gentleman from Liverpool, what with the beard 'n' all, so I named it barry`
Ben - `Yonder alogator reminded me of a handbag`
And so it was, our new pet/friend was named, Barryhandbag. (not cross hyphonated, I might add).
And so it was - Barryhandbag grew stronger and less conservative as the days wore on. Shona tought it kickboxing and swearing, while I tought it to sing German liede singing and ballet dancing, all the time, both of us learning from its wisdom on `nineteen-twenties hat localities`, which evolved later into the phrase
`Where is thyne hat??`
When Barryhandbag was two years old (about four years after we discovered him), he flew the nest - off to explore all the world had to offer. (This came as something as a shock to us, as we never noticed his wings, but he concelaed them well udner his Skull-cap (kippur) - it should be noted at this point, Barryhandbag became fully Jewish).
The next account of events has been compiled, to date, based purely on his correspondants to us and occasional carrier budgie.
The most striking event which happened, was his species-change. While in the `Munich Expressive Dance Artillery Batillion - 206`, inspired by a gust of wind in the shape of a moose, Barryhandbag chose to adopt this path as a means to better himself - here's what he wrote to us:
``Dear all,
Under close examination - and having my opinion seconded by a reputable doctor of medicine - i must despondantly conclude I am not a Moose of any kind.
Upon seeing the beauty of the wind the other day, I must only conclude, that my calling in life is to be the world's first Jewish Aligator to become a Moose.
I do most sincerely hope you support me in this trying time.
warmest regards - Bazza
p.s - i shot a man for the coffe he was offering me - I think the expressive arts army has made me agreessive
p.p.s - Did i leave my sweater in the top drawer. I know it's only a triffling matter, but dear folkes, try to find aligator menswear department in this John Lewis, and one is really at a loose end!``
And so it was, that Barryhandbag went in for his species change operation. Alas, not going private, there was a problem with the head department, and to ut short a very long story, only half the operation was done, so, he emerged a half aligator; half Moose hybrid.
not dispamyed (and in my opinion, possibly even excited at the alteration), Barryhandbag tried out for the International Endangered Animal Olympics (the IEAOs) in Swansea, Here, he won a gold in the high jump, but lost out to silver in the 15.6 meter relay race, to a Mallard with fourteen legs.
Dismayed, and lonely at this, Barryhangbag became a recluse for many years, offering himself without shame to any one willing to pay - but obviously this was not a frequent occourence. Finding no other way to fund his acting addiction, he bought the London Palladium and went broke as a result. It is now rumoured that Barryhandbag haunts the cast of all who perform in the theatre stealing roses from the encores for food.
As for me, I think he's right where he should be, back to nature, working at Argos.
What cam we learn from poor Barryhandbag's tale of woe?
I dunno, ask Shona, she's the clever one
Offended at such anti-sematism, yonder Shona and I, picked up this poor creature, who we now knew to be an aligator (we could tell it wasn't a crocodile cuz it had guy bits). However, inspite of all our expectitions for yonder aligator to scream more racial slurs and social slanders - the young grubby obscene specamin was most amiable - as was the aligator.
After taking it home to meet mother (who at that time was made purely of bamboo), Shona and I decided to name our finding after the two nouns of which it reminded us both:
Shona - `I thought it reminded me of a gentleman from Liverpool, what with the beard 'n' all, so I named it barry`
Ben - `Yonder alogator reminded me of a handbag`
And so it was, our new pet/friend was named, Barryhandbag. (not cross hyphonated, I might add).
And so it was - Barryhandbag grew stronger and less conservative as the days wore on. Shona tought it kickboxing and swearing, while I tought it to sing German liede singing and ballet dancing, all the time, both of us learning from its wisdom on `nineteen-twenties hat localities`, which evolved later into the phrase
`Where is thyne hat??`
When Barryhandbag was two years old (about four years after we discovered him), he flew the nest - off to explore all the world had to offer. (This came as something as a shock to us, as we never noticed his wings, but he concelaed them well udner his Skull-cap (kippur) - it should be noted at this point, Barryhandbag became fully Jewish).
The next account of events has been compiled, to date, based purely on his correspondants to us and occasional carrier budgie.
The most striking event which happened, was his species-change. While in the `Munich Expressive Dance Artillery Batillion - 206`, inspired by a gust of wind in the shape of a moose, Barryhandbag chose to adopt this path as a means to better himself - here's what he wrote to us:
``Dear all,
Under close examination - and having my opinion seconded by a reputable doctor of medicine - i must despondantly conclude I am not a Moose of any kind.
Upon seeing the beauty of the wind the other day, I must only conclude, that my calling in life is to be the world's first Jewish Aligator to become a Moose.
I do most sincerely hope you support me in this trying time.
warmest regards - Bazza
p.s - i shot a man for the coffe he was offering me - I think the expressive arts army has made me agreessive
p.p.s - Did i leave my sweater in the top drawer. I know it's only a triffling matter, but dear folkes, try to find aligator menswear department in this John Lewis, and one is really at a loose end!``
And so it was, that Barryhandbag went in for his species change operation. Alas, not going private, there was a problem with the head department, and to ut short a very long story, only half the operation was done, so, he emerged a half aligator; half Moose hybrid.
not dispamyed (and in my opinion, possibly even excited at the alteration), Barryhandbag tried out for the International Endangered Animal Olympics (the IEAOs) in Swansea, Here, he won a gold in the high jump, but lost out to silver in the 15.6 meter relay race, to a Mallard with fourteen legs.
Dismayed, and lonely at this, Barryhangbag became a recluse for many years, offering himself without shame to any one willing to pay - but obviously this was not a frequent occourence. Finding no other way to fund his acting addiction, he bought the London Palladium and went broke as a result. It is now rumoured that Barryhandbag haunts the cast of all who perform in the theatre stealing roses from the encores for food.
As for me, I think he's right where he should be, back to nature, working at Argos.
What cam we learn from poor Barryhandbag's tale of woe?
I dunno, ask Shona, she's the clever one
posted by Ben F. Foster Esq. (c) @ 11:13 PM
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