Dear Lord Michael Ashcroft (Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party)

Dear Mike

If I may indeed call you mike that is. I hope you don't mind my informality Mr Lord Michael Ashcroft Rt Hon for you see I am indeed a tory enthusiast!

I've loved free market economies for as long as I can rememeber, indeed I was a key supporter of the open market economies from the beginning.

I will outline another instance of when I supported a tory value:

I like David Cameron. There we are. I've said it. I think he's the best but you seem like old Tory... know what I'm saying? You seem a bit more `kill the minors` rather than `hug a hoodie`.

I did however have a charming conversation with Mr Oliver Letwin Rt. Hon and he thought Mr Cameron was a nozzer (except he didn't use that word)... you can't have division in the party these days, Mike, you just can't.

This is why I'm calling for your assistance, we need a Lord like you to clean up the act of this bloody party! Sort these do gooders out once and for all yeah? Am I right?

Therefore I propose to sponsor you to replace the well-intended albeit slightly hippie Cameron and whip this party into shape.

I will of course act as your senior policy advisor for free as I believe passionately in conservative values.

What do you say, Mike? Shall we get a team going here and revolutionise this great country? Shall we send those darkies back? Shall we cane our school children? Shall we stop benefits.

I'll let you think it over...

Get back to me when you have an answer.

Warmest regards

Mr Benjamin F Foster