iBlog: Dear Mr Oliver Letwin Rt. Hon


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Saturday, June 07, 2008

Dear Mr Oliver Letwin Rt. Hon

Dear Mr Oliver Letwin Rt. Hon

Oliver. Furst I must apologise to you for not keeping in touch recently. I hope all has been well with you. In the time we have not spoken I am still working at B&Q except now I sell tiles instead of building sand. It's quite a jump but I'm managing very well so no need to worry there! We also bought a new car today and went all the way from Norfolk (in east anglia) to Mansfield (near rotherham) and back again (via Kings Lynn also in east anglia) all in a day! Still it's nice to have a new ford Ka. It's done 46k miles and has a 1.3i enginge except I doubt you've time to be interested in that, Oliver! What car do you drive?

Anyway, back to business I think. We can't sit here shooting the breeze all day now can we?!

Right now the reason I emailed you was just to let you know on the inside that Lord Michael Ashcroft (I'm allowed to call him Mike but wouldn't push your luck just yet mate, he is after all still landed gentry. know what I'm saying)... we're planning on taking over the leadership of the tory party. Luckily this is England and you don't have to be black or be married to an ex president to do that you see! (Political joke there about The American Democratical Primaries. I'm sure you've been following them in the Guardian or the Telegraph). The plan is simple, we're going to oust David Cameron (the current party leader) because he's not as good as either you or Mike (that's Lord Michael Ashcroft to you). I thought Mike had the edge over you as he has is own website - i hope you are not offended by this.

Anyway I need your assitance in this. We cannot pull this off unless we have the full backing of the Chairman of the Policy Review, and Chairman of the Conservative Research Department (you).

I'll have my wife fax you through a copy of the contract which would in effect bind you to Project Floating Assassin - but if you would like to discuss the particulars of the deal (ie, who gets what office, how much you will or will not get paid, who gets the best assitant) then we can meet up at a secret location. I am not prepeared to arrange a date over e-mail though as this would be insecure and against good net-iquette.

Now. Oliver. Here is the ball. And it's enveoloped by your court. It's all proverbial but the figurative ball is indeed in your paranthetical court. Don't let me down Oliver, we need you to sort out all the gays and young mothers in this country.

God speed, old friend

Mr Benjamin F Foster


  • At 12:09 AM, Blogger Dave said…

    Yay! Return of the Letwin emails! Wooo!

  • At 9:53 PM, Blogger Timothy V Reeves said…

    Lord Ashcroft: "Who is this Foster chappie who keeps e-mailing me?"

    Secretary: "Well, he advocates torture of terrorists, incarceration of Gay MPs in the tower, sterilisation of single mothers, sending coloureds back to bongo-bongo land, forced surgical removal of hoodies hoods, enslavement of benefit claimants, return to Trial by ordeal...."

    Lord Ashcroft: "Oh, another looney liberal lefty"

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger Timothy V Reeves said…

    PS Silly me, I was also forgetting "The Face punch law"!


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