Dear Benjamarno

Dear Sainsbury's Shared HR Service PP Tescos

Don't you think that's a bit of a silly way of assessing someone? I mean you could hire anphibians with that logic:

age: crocodiles can live up to 150 years old. do you want a 150 year old crocodile working there?
Race: it's literally not in the anphibians nature to race one another. In fact they can't get their head around it and some of us lost a substantial amount of money in the effort.
Colour: Green... well if you had an iguana quality checking lettuices you'd lose him. (And there's also the danger of him mating with one)
Body Shape: No thumbs, 5 foot long tail, sharp claws and teeth. You sure you wouldn't discriminate against that?
Ethenic Origin: Most reptilian anphibians are decendants of the dinosaurs so out-age you and me. Would you hire someone with that reputation? I mean you wouldn't hire a ginger haired person as they'll have deadly viking genes. By the end of the day the cleaners won't know what's blood and what's ketchup!
Gender: Ever met a frog on its period? I have and I wouldn't let them in my shop. DEADLY! and they cry a lot.
Sexual Orientation: What if their sexual orientation was a fettish for Onions (medical term is `layerhardonium`) In my experience no oone wants to buy a Wet onion.
Family Status: What if their status on families are they hate families. so much so they'd slaughter every family that came through the door? No discimination still?
Religion: If they're Muslim I think at the least you should make them hand over their shoes... you know... just in case. Don't want a Richard Reid scenario on a busy saturday afternoon in the bread aisle. That would RUIN the shopping experience for all customers.
Disability: No arms or legs, no tongue, has cancer, pug nose and neck ache... what can this man contribute to the business?
HIV/AIDS: I understand that the Prime Minister HIVs an AID to help him with his day but why would shelf stackers need to HIV an AID? Does Tesco pay for the AID? Because they don't come cheap.

I think I've made my point. Perhap's you should review your policiy's and run them by me okay?

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown

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From: HRSS Careline
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Tuesday, 23 December, 2008 15:00:11
Subject: RE: Bittter Sanguine

Good afternoon,

Thank you for your email.

All available in-store vacancies are to be found and applied for through the Careers link on our website, www.sainsburys.co.uk

We are an Equal Opportunities Employer and welcome applications from all members of the community. All applications are reviewed fairly, regardless of (but are not limited to), a person's age, race, colour, nationality, body shape, ethnic origin or community background, gender, sexual orientation, family status, religion or belief, disability, real or suspected, living with HIV/AIDS, differing working patterns, political/religious affiliation, ex-offender status or membership/non-membership of a Trade Union.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact our HR Shared Service Centre on 0845 602 3860. Hours of opening are Monday to Friday from 8.00am until 7.00pm and from 9.00am until 5.00pm on Saturdays.

Kind Regards,

Sainsbury’s HR Shared Service

P Please consider the environment before printing this email.

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From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 23 December 2008 14:54
To: HRSS Careline
Subject: Re: Bittter Sanguine

Dear Sainsbury's HR Shared Service PP Tescos

Thank you for your recent response to my recent enquiry.

As Shared HR, what is your policy on hiring disproportionate people? Would my lone eye higher than the other get me rejected at the recruitment stage? What counds as offensively deformed?

Yours sincerely

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown

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From: HRSS Careline
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Tuesday, 23 December, 2008 10:26:21
Subject: RE: Bittter Sanguine

Good morning,

Thank you very much for your email, however, as this is the email address for Sainsbury’s Recruitment enquiries we regret that we are unable to address your query.

Kind Regards,

Sainsbury’s HR Shared Service

P Please consider the environment before printing this email.

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From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2008 19:58
To: HRSS Careline
Subject: Bittter Sanguine

Dear Tescos The Supermarketeers

Well. Well well well. I am disappointed. No disappointed is too week a word.... I am sanguine after a trip to my local discount Tescos in Norwich .

I was shocked, and if you will, appalled that you allow such funnily shaped people to work at your stores.. One understands each person has their own build and design - why I myself have one eye higher than t'other but in your Tescos the Supermarket Store, I did not see a single well proportioned member of staff.

Do you get them from the zoo? Do you coo at them from behind their bars? Do you tempt them in with... y'know... animal food? And put a blue chequered shirt on them and call them shelf stackers? Is that what you do?

One member of your staff who went by the name of `Billy-Bobby Zestyface` couldn't point to a shelf when I asked him `can you point me in the direction of the nearest shelf, Billy-Bobby Zestyface?`. As simple an order as a customer can give and all I received was a blank stare. I figured it out in the end by my own self.

I expect every single person in the company to be fired by noon tomorrow or I will personally tell you off. You are accountible and responsible for this. You and you alone. Oh, you'll have mutant blood on your hands if I see a single employee working for Tescos the Supermarket in 2010.

From then on, I will personally undertake the task of recruiting normal shaped staff as you are obviously not capable are you? ARE YOU!?

You will respond to this message within twenty four hours. I have made myself clear.

Benvolio Haversham-Brown

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