iBlog: December 2007


Tomorrow's blog today

Monday, December 31, 2007

Ben Maths

JD asked on Msn why I approve of his young lady friend, I opened my mouth and the words come out like this...


this is ben's perception of people

except that it's inverted

so y decreases as x reaches zero (without reaching zero)


left of the y axis, x shows wierdness, with x-1 being liberal democrats and x-5 being americans and x-10 being people who dress up as celtic warriors and enact ancient battles on Sunday afternoon

right of the y axis is normalditude (pronounced nor-MAL-di-chood), with x+1 being grown ups and x+5 being textbooks on maths and x+10 being the business man sort that walks briskly around Whitehall and Westminster carrying a black briefcase wearing a bowler hat and generally not having a life

y denotes people density per thousand


now here's where it gets complicated

x is directly proportional to seriousness and y is directly proportional to age (ie, there are more extremely serious grown ups and extremely irritating grownups than normal aged normal people)

that leaves a very narrow quartile that's eligable to date and socialise with as their normalditude quotiant has to tent towards zero which means the sect of society that qualifies becomes smaller


the Foster Anomylie (paper that I published last month) suggests that an individual with a normalditude quotiant that is exactly zero is neitehr quirky OR serious and THEREFORE has NO personality. (another of my theories includes a z axis which suggests personality but the function for calculating this is far too complicated to include, however I shall reference this in the appendix)
JD says:
(ill leave oyou to explain while i pay attention to my darling)

if we call vicky v then using epistemological logic we can postulate that,

v = doesn't poke JD's LCD screen through skype :. f(v) < 0
v = taking `it slowly` with JD in a sensible way :. f(v) > 0

Summing these two parenthesis, we encounter the Foster Anymlie which suggests that Vicky has no personality and is therefore not acceptible to JDness.

however if we factor in that

f(jd) + f(v) >> f(jd + v)

we can clearly see that the relationship between JD and V is more than the sum of its parts.

This has caused headaches for lovematicians all over the globe and the conclusion is that there is a form of maths called `love`, now if we apply the love function to the above relationship, the following expression is derived:

l(v) + l(jd) = *cartoon heart*

Now what's interesting about the love function is that it only works when there is a special spark or common denominator between the two variables. Some people theorise that the love function only works when the two variables have a similar normalditude quotiant, but the important thing is the variables BOTH have to be very special indeed to produce the result of *cartoon heart*

We know from experiance that the variable JD is very special which must infer that v is also very special indeed to produce *cartoon heart*

the conclusion of this is that we like vicky as she is special.

(Can we still be friends please?)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Another reason why I love the sun

No matter how many times I read this headline I can't get it to make sense!

Linky Link

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Adventures of Indian Call Centre and How To Win By Thinking Outside The Box

11:50 am
Phone goes - don't answer

12:20 pm
Call centre man) Good morning, can I speak to Miss Lauren Jessica Manning?
Me) No, I'm afraid she moved out a couple of months ago, is it important?
Call centre man) I'm calling to ask if she's aware that the government's new legislation means that much of her unsecured debt can be ...
Me) so you're calling from the british government?
Call centre man) I'm calling to ask if she's aware that the government's new...
Me) so you're calling on behalf of the government?
Call centre man) yes
Me) I'm sorry, but I know she's registered her new address and is on the electoral role so I don't believe you've been authorised to ring this number good day.

Same call centre man Good morning, can I speak to Miss Lauren Jessica Manning?
Me) no!!

Call centre man) Good morning, can I speak to Miss Lauren Jessica Manning?
Me) Yes, that's me.
Call centre man) Sorry I'm after Miss Lauren Jessica Manning...
Me) Yes, that is me.
Call centre man) Are you sure?
Me) yes, I'm quite sure I'm me.
Call centre man) Okay, I'm calling to ask if you're aware that new government legislation means that much of your unsecured debt can be written off or have interest rates cut...?
Me) No, but I don't have any credit cards or an overdraught, or a personal loan.
Call centre man) Oh, well I'm very sorry to have troubled you today Miss Lauren Jessica Manning.
Me) Good day
Call centre man) Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me) thank you for your call


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Read carefully and see how messed up our little world is!

Linky Link

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Nuts to John Eldridge!

Why read Wild At Heart when King Leonidas is such a great example of manlyness!!

`Oh, I've chosen my words carefullly, persian! perhaps you should have done the same`
`This is Blasphemy! this is MADNESS!`
`Madness? THIS IS SPARTA!!!`

Monday, December 10, 2007

While on the Dance - by Robert Henry Jackman

Oh, what is this strange sight before me?

This witching-hour economy… this carnival of debauchery…

Where Primark queens bellow greetings from limousines,

Swigging back cheap champagne – the stuff that tastes faintly Listerine,

And across the road, hunger-stricken drunks lunch on imitation fried chicken,

Spewing out their life story to anyone who’ll listen,

While drunken soulmates try swapping numbers, but inevitably stumble – oh, it can be quiet a scene,

Cos swapping thirteen digits can be such a bitch after you’ve downed 24 WKDs…

And at the cash machines, silly students make flippant, triple-figure withdrawals,

Not thinking for a moment, about their student loan, and how they’ll explain to mummy that they spent it all,

What is this strange place where accidental eye contact is received as aggression?

And where bellowing out across a crowded road passes as healthy conversation?…

Oh, what is this strange place before me?

This battle against sobriety… this riotous assembly…

Where inside the clubs, bodies bob to the libidinous throb of Fiddy… Akon… P. Diddy and ‘Snoop Dogg’

Where nervous sort stand on the edge of the floor, and potter with indecision,

Watching the girl next door, as she bumps and grinds, like a bad pole-dancing audition…

At every bar queue sweaty mobs reaching out for fluorescent alcopops,

Where trendy types prefer to overdose on diet-friendly, low-sugar Bacardi Breezers,

Strutting across the dancefloor like a Paralympic Night Fever,

Where size-10 barmaids fight off sleazy propositions,

From Norwich Union types who’ve drowned their inhibitions,

Where smokers and cokeheads congregate behind locked toilet cubicles,

Sharing their love for the devils’ dandruff…. *snort*…yeah, it’s beautiful,

The chaos! The carnage! The pandemonium! The palava!

Prince of Wales road – where your night could end in a fight – or projectile vomit disaster,

Imagine a crowded Wetherespoons… now imagine it in Gava,

Imagine what the First World War would’ve been like if everyone was plastered,

This… is binge Britain.

Welcome… to binge Britain,

This is what the Daily Mail write editorials about,

This is what the Arctic Monkeys tell stories about,

It’s a place where you drink just to forget the sights you’ve seen,

You drink to forget it all – the slags, the lads and the terrible dance routines…

And when I wake my brain pulses with pain,

I whisper promises to myself never to do it again,

I lay there… fantasizing about a glass of icy water,

Not sure whether this is a hangover… or post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you liked this beautifully pretentious poetry from a 21 year old man of the world critic without a degree, he's reciting thusly:

Monday, December 03, 2007

Hey, mom! Look what I found!