iBlog: June 2008


Tomorrow's blog today

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dear Oxford English Dictionary

Dear Mrs/Miss/Ms/Dr Margot Charlton

Thankyou for your alarming response to my recent email which you send in but a trifling 15 hours after I sent mine!!! I've a good mind to jemail the Collins Dictionary and see what their response times are like! no douct not a patch on yours I dare say!

Now back to the issue at hand... I feel most abashed to not have noticed teflon... especially as it has been in the Dictionary longer than I are been alive!

Regarding the term thankyou that the dictionary has traditionally mis-spelt `thank you`, I am disapointed it has not yet been corrected. Whom can I appeal to rectify this offensive situation???

Seeing as I now have a penchant for the informing of new words... I am left but wondering - how doth a new word get added-eth unto the dictionary?? What happens when a word is born? What counts as words?? Am there criteria for a word to count? Ie - I heard a chav use the word `flambouyantizzle` to describe an aloof pimp the other day would this count as a word? Could I add it to the dictionary on his behalf ot does he need to write to you himself?

Please help me out in this most taxing of lexical conundra

Yours sincerely


Dear Mr Foster

Thank you for your message. I am sorry, but I am not sure which of our dictionaries you have been reading. This is the mailbox of the full Oxford English Dictionary Online, which is a mixture of old and new text. Four times a year we add both revised and new entries to the text, and you can read about the most recent additions at The public pages are open to all, though the rest of the text is for subscribers; all the English public libraries subscribe, and many allow their readers remote access. I can assure you that this dictionary has contained an entry for Teflon since 1986, and for Muggle in the Harry Potter sense since March 2003 (there are three other entries for older uses of the word).

The phrase thank you is properly written as two words. If it is used as a modifier, it should be hyphenated: a thank-you letter. We cannot recommend non-standard forms in our dictionaries and usage guides.

Margot Charlton

Oxford English Dictionary

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dear Oxford English Dictionary

Subject: Words 'n' that

Dear OED

I take great pleasure in reading the dictionary and I was delighted to see a new version had been released based on the old one.

I did however notice you did not fail to omit a few words. Either that or despite my many re-reads I couldn't find them anywhere! I am pleased to furnish you with them alphabeticly below for your records should you feel the need to release a second edition - or beta if you will:

Teflon: noun Non-stick polymer used in pan design and lubricating lubricants
Coffeewally: noun Adjective used in the insulting of the lower classes by small business owners
Taptontaping: verb The act of roly-polying down a hill, as practised in the Yorkshire town of Taptontap
Muggle: noun Term used in the Harry Potter novel series to describe wizards too overweight to reach their `wand`
Thankyou: adjective You may remember I wrote to you last year requesting the term `thank you` be amalgamated into one word instead of two. I noticed however it is still printed in two words. I understand oversights happen, but as this is one of the words I look up the most for spellings, I rather expect to see it printed properly.

As ever I'm always here to help so drop me a line anytime if you want to run any ideas by me or if you just want a chat.

Let me know your thoughts.

Mr Benjamin Foster

Dear Mr Acquisitions Department

Dear Mr Acquisitions Department

So dedvistated was I at reading the news that you dint like my poetry this afternoon, I've spent the last two days not eating or texting anybody! I have, however used this time to write some of my most moving poetries yet... Brace yourself because this is about to get transcendental!!!

The Rejection
By Mr Benvoilio McFosteron

Alak, alas, awoeeeeee!
Woe is the Great Benvoilio
He knows not which way to go...
Or which path to follow
It feels like wintery snow
and the barronness therewith associated

Rejected by critics who dunt know what they're talkin about
Who, like, prolly never broke a sweat
Or broke a rhyming pattern
But brake instead my heart.

Alak, alas, a woeeeee!

Please don't take offence at my slating of your reputation, I'm sure you know plenty about which that which that you are talking about.

If this is still not what you are looking to publish, let me know what you am into and I shall write a work therefor... I need to eat afterall! lol.

Yours sincerely

Mr Benvoilio Mc Fosterson

Labels: , ,

Dear Mr Ben-vwarlio McFosterson

Dear Benvoilio McFosterson:
Thank you for your query concerning your untitled manuscript.

This work does not currently fit our requirements. Please do not take
this a setback to all your hard work as a writer.
We wish you the best of luck.

Acquisitions Department

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Had a good night out with the lads and La

and it was probably a good idea i didn't drive home.


am, bit drunk lol

Friday, June 20, 2008

Dear American Publishers of Poetry that was the First I Came Across in Google

Hey you!

I'm a poetry writer and have been these last ten months eleven days or there abouts.

Will you publish my poetry as it's right good and I'm british.

Here is a example, old bean..

Robot Milkman
By Benvoilio F McFosterson

Robotic milkman is the perfect solution
To the problem milk and milk distribution
(And I'll tell you why without further ado-tion)

Poor Bill was tired at 4 in the morning
When the day was beginning he was still yawning
But the robotic milkman is quicker than quick
All that he needs is the flick of a switch

Traffic and milk floats are not the best
When it comes to speed, they fail the test
But Robot Milkman with jetpacks and boosters
Makes half the day done before the call of the roosters

And if not enough milk was loaded last night
He has mechanical teets to produce more of the white
Which is good for the dairy that milk can be wired
But when poor Bill tried - alas he was fired

(Notice the semen reference at the end).

Let me know your thoughts m'fella m'lad!

yours sincerely
Benvoilio (Prononounced `Ben-vwar-le-o`)

Dear The Natural History Museum

FAO John

Dear The Natural History Museum

Excuse me for writing to this address but you didn't have a `found a new species` inbox for me write to.

That being said, I've managed to find a new species in my garden!!!!

The new species is of the genus `beetlum`. It is about four inches long and roughly an inch in height. It's black all over (as you'd expect - probably to camoflauge in wet mud) and it is flanked by two yellow stripes which I can only describe as `go faster` stripes. the beetle also has antlers and a long neck.

I writ to the lads at the WWF and they suggested speaking to you guys at the old NHM. Although they didn't give me the name John I thought I would FAO this to you, John so I could have some personal contact.

So getting back to this beetle. I did think of naming it the `Hayfever Beetle` as my sister-in-law had hayfever when I discovered it but now I'm more keen on the name `Jew-bug` as after millenia of oppression from the Babylonians to the Third Reich, the least they deserve is a insect named after them!! I'm sure you understand my reas'ning, John.

Re: catching the wee Jew-bug, I've only seen it a flighting twice and a half times.
* Sighting the First: too scared to do any thing
* Sighting the second: Shouted `wait` in a panic to catch it
* Sighting the third: Dressed the cat with a bright yellow beak to tempt the Jew-bug out of hiding. Unsucsessful but had a moment of madness in thinking I'd found another new species (but then realised it was Napolean in a beak). Might have seen the Jew-bug out of the corner of my eye. Unconfirmed sighting.

I'll keep up my 9 hour a day vigil in my deck chair with jam-jar afoot and I'll contact you as soon as I have captured the Jew-bug. Let me know your number and I'll call you the minute it's within my grasp.

Yours sincerely
Ben Foster

P.s, I'll look very silly if you don't have a John working there won't I!!

Dear Mr Foster

18th June 2008

Dear Mr Foster,

Thank you for your e-mail.

I am sorry but we are unable to help you identify this beetle and whether it is in fact a new species, or an existing and little known or rare species.

You may like to contact the BBC Natural History Unit or an organisation that deals specifically with insects, as they may be able to assist you further.

Thank you for your support of WWF.

Yours sincerely

Petra Hammond
Supporter Relations Co-ordinator

Supporter Relations Team


Panda House, Weyside Park
Godalming, Surrey, GU7 1XR
telephone: +44 (0) 1483 426333 9-5pm, Monday to Friday
FAQ section:

WWF - for a living planet

Found on the interwebnets

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with
his hunting knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over
to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull
elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put
it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly,
all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

Sunday, June 15, 2008

How to Speak to a *Southern American* Man (It would appear)

*Southern American*-> Anglo-English
ni'hur = one's self or close companions
know wha' uh sain? = Do you understand me?
Reki' = record
like = [conjuction]
Blawk = tenament block in which the ni'hur has grown
Mawrfuh'uz = Incestios children with a penchant for the matriarch

Saturday, June 14, 2008

TOP SECRET!! Re: Intellegence Report

Dears Mr Gordon L Brown

Following our discussion the other day, I am pleased to outline details of the intellignce I have been gathering about Afganistan. I have taken the liberty of marking this FAO Top Secret so none of your workers should see the contents.

Firstly, the Afganis speak Afgan and used to be Budhist but there are some Muslims who go around with guns and stop that from happening. This stopping of things seems to be a theme in the Muslims (the gang is called the Tallybang) such as:
* Not letting women vote
* Not letting women use the toilet
* Not permitting wet t-shirt competitions
* Not permitting the not smoking of opium based psychotropic substances

Worse than all of this, they are currently trying to kill British soldiers who are out over there! We need to do something about these Talllybangers and I suggest kicking their asses with nuclear bombs and that.

In my mission, I measured the country to be 251,772square miles (a fact substantiated by wikipedia), so assuming one bomb will annhiallate everything in a 50 square mile radius, you'd need about a hundred and twenty five thousand bombs which can be bought from armeries and munision factories everywhere. Ring the Ministry of Defence for more info and ask to speak to purchase ledger department. This will reduce the country's population in the region of 100 industry-standard percents reducing it from it's current 32million to somwhere in the region of nil. There also may be long term side affects for the rest of Human and Animalial Civilization. For more information, speak to the Department for Health and ask to speak to Geoff.

Well that's about all Your Honour

Any questions, just give me a buzz and feel free to communicate my next assignment in the usual way.

Yours sincerely

Agent Red Fox

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Dear WWF

Dear WWF

I have been a keen wildlife fanatic for years now and I thought I knew all of the animals, however, while rumaging around my garden yesterday I came across a new species! Imagine my surprise!

I think it's a kind of beetle, about four inches long and an inch tall, is mainly black and flanked either side by a yellow marking that I can only describe as a `go-faster stripe`. It has six legs and pincers that I observed it used to kill and bury a small chaffinch. It has an unusally long neck but other than that, it's exactly as you'd expect a common beetle to look.

I haven't seen the beetle since otherwise I'd have killed and sent you it but I am delighted to attach a drawing drawn by me from memory (excuse the lack of yellow marking as I didn't have a yellow pen)

As this is the first new species I've discovered I'm not sure how to go about naming it or getting famous but for the interim I suggest it's named the `Hayfever Beetle` as my sister-in-law had hayever at the time of its discovery.

Let me know your thoughts

Yours faithfully

Mr Benjamin F Foster

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Dear Mr Oliver Letwin Rt. Hon

Dear Mr Oliver Letwin Rt. Hon

Oliver. Furst I must apologise to you for not keeping in touch recently. I hope all has been well with you. In the time we have not spoken I am still working at B&Q except now I sell tiles instead of building sand. It's quite a jump but I'm managing very well so no need to worry there! We also bought a new car today and went all the way from Norfolk (in east anglia) to Mansfield (near rotherham) and back again (via Kings Lynn also in east anglia) all in a day! Still it's nice to have a new ford Ka. It's done 46k miles and has a 1.3i enginge except I doubt you've time to be interested in that, Oliver! What car do you drive?

Anyway, back to business I think. We can't sit here shooting the breeze all day now can we?!

Right now the reason I emailed you was just to let you know on the inside that Lord Michael Ashcroft (I'm allowed to call him Mike but wouldn't push your luck just yet mate, he is after all still landed gentry. know what I'm saying)... we're planning on taking over the leadership of the tory party. Luckily this is England and you don't have to be black or be married to an ex president to do that you see! (Political joke there about The American Democratical Primaries. I'm sure you've been following them in the Guardian or the Telegraph). The plan is simple, we're going to oust David Cameron (the current party leader) because he's not as good as either you or Mike (that's Lord Michael Ashcroft to you). I thought Mike had the edge over you as he has is own website - i hope you are not offended by this.

Anyway I need your assitance in this. We cannot pull this off unless we have the full backing of the Chairman of the Policy Review, and Chairman of the Conservative Research Department (you).

I'll have my wife fax you through a copy of the contract which would in effect bind you to Project Floating Assassin - but if you would like to discuss the particulars of the deal (ie, who gets what office, how much you will or will not get paid, who gets the best assitant) then we can meet up at a secret location. I am not prepeared to arrange a date over e-mail though as this would be insecure and against good net-iquette.

Now. Oliver. Here is the ball. And it's enveoloped by your court. It's all proverbial but the figurative ball is indeed in your paranthetical court. Don't let me down Oliver, we need you to sort out all the gays and young mothers in this country.

God speed, old friend

Mr Benjamin F Foster

Dear Lord Michael Ashcroft (Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party)

Dear Mike

If I may indeed call you mike that is. I hope you don't mind my informality Mr Lord Michael Ashcroft Rt Hon for you see I am indeed a tory enthusiast!

I've loved free market economies for as long as I can rememeber, indeed I was a key supporter of the open market economies from the beginning.

I will outline another instance of when I supported a tory value:

I like David Cameron. There we are. I've said it. I think he's the best but you seem like old Tory... know what I'm saying? You seem a bit more `kill the minors` rather than `hug a hoodie`.

I did however have a charming conversation with Mr Oliver Letwin Rt. Hon and he thought Mr Cameron was a nozzer (except he didn't use that word)... you can't have division in the party these days, Mike, you just can't.

This is why I'm calling for your assistance, we need a Lord like you to clean up the act of this bloody party! Sort these do gooders out once and for all yeah? Am I right?

Therefore I propose to sponsor you to replace the well-intended albeit slightly hippie Cameron and whip this party into shape.

I will of course act as your senior policy advisor for free as I believe passionately in conservative values.

What do you say, Mike? Shall we get a team going here and revolutionise this great country? Shall we send those darkies back? Shall we cane our school children? Shall we stop benefits.

I'll let you think it over...

Get back to me when you have an answer.

Warmest regards

Mr Benjamin F Foster

Aston Martins and such

Today we begat a Ka. ooooh. And so it came to pass that Blahcar went to the knackers and Blahka became the new automotive phase of our blahlife.

It has a tape player and everything. (46k miles, 1.3i zetec engine, Y reg for those which care).

I'd still prefer:


La would prefer a:

But the point is our number plate of Blahka has `LBF` at the end which makes us happier than a DB9 ever could. (though I'm prepererd to put that theory to the test)

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Made for each other

You can't tell them apart really...



Wednesday, June 04, 2008

what's hot:

* badminton
* Hilary is dead
* Bikes

What's not:

* Loosing at Badminton to a giiiiiiiiiiiiiirl
* scrapping the 10pc tax band
* working when i could be snogging my wife

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

A Hebrew Jew For whom the werld went blue

A Hebrew Jew For whom the werld went blue
By Benvoliooo

This is the tale of my favourite Hebrew
Whom went by the name of `Noah the Jew`
This man, Lord well he knew
And he was one of the Lord's few
(The rest didn't sacrifce for mildew)

So God did His other creation rue
And they like made him go `Oooh noo!`
And He wanted to start anew

So rain and lightening bolts He threw
And oceans rose so deep and blue

And Using no more nails glue
Noah was told to turn wood into:
A boat for the odd kangaroo
Not one, but two

The boat was noisy and went`MOOO!`
And `twit-twoo`
And with only one loo
It was like - eeeew
And well smelly... pe-yoo!

But soon floods were through
And when a bird brung a twig to Noah's nephew
It was time to land on mountain dew
And off the animals did shoo
To where only God knew

And now He was happy
With his people good and true
And all along he knew
That his good and faithful crew
Would see his plan through.


Monday, June 02, 2008

Letter From God

By a poet which is not Christian but has an ineresting take

Christian's Perogative to make strange similies

If Reverend someonebody says that ``Ignoring Climate Change is as bad as Joseph Fritzel`` Linky Link I've devised a short table to make similar accusations:

Simply string any red -> amber -> green combination together to make a statement with as much sense and thought as the Reverend someone or other...

Ignoring Climate ChangeIs as bad asJoseph Fritzel

Burping in the presence of the QueenKeeps it real as much asTeaching a dog to speak French
Throwing bricks in glass housesIs as useless asBeing forced to marry against your will
Bee KeepingIs as informative asA nineteenth century top hat