http://www.makepovertyhistory.org iBlog: December 2008

iBlog

Tomorrow's blog today

Friday, December 26, 2008

Dear Archie

Dear the Arched Bishops of Cantebury

Hello. And God bless to you all. My first name is Benvolio and I am here to speak to you about a subject that is very close to my heart, and the greatest of these is love.

But I haven't come all the way down here to talk to you about the gayness of bishops, or indeed the gayness of straighshops. But I would like ot take this very opportunity to talk to you about the clothing what you all wear. I takes for examples of the hassock and that of the crozier. They seem bulky at best or a danger waiting to hazard at werse!!

What with all that climbing up and subsequently down churches and indeed cathedrals and such the hassock must indeed must get in your literal way and thus be of dangerness to yourselves. Praise God you(plural)'ve not been injured as of thusly far.

I and my wife have therefore devised a right good new uniform!!!!!1 Are indeed you not thrilled?

Let me walk you through this revolution of this epoch's must have ecclesiastical wear... This is a uniform that will see you through to the post-post-modern era.



There is a picture if the new Postmodernisticalistic uniform directly inside of that link there. You can see all it has to literally offer.

That's aboout it really. As you can see, it's safe, no tripping up robes getting up pullpitz, ladders and such, is fully certified to British Standards E8678f g and r. There is also room for coroporate sponsorship on various places on the uniform. (Just so you're aware Bensons for Beds are very interested to begin talks with you).

So, let let me know what you think yeah? I for one am literally confident that this will boost your flagging numbers and make your church friendly and happy.

Our Indonesian factories are beginning making 50,000 units first thing tomorrow ready to be containerised back to the UK for the beginning of Easter. Our factories are relatively ethical and has amongst the fewest nutrition related industrial accidents in Asia Minor.

Yours sincerely
And also with you

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Benjamarno

Dear Sainsbury's Shared HR Service PP Tescos

Don't you think that's a bit of a silly way of assessing someone? I mean you could hire anphibians with that logic:

age: crocodiles can live up to 150 years old. do you want a 150 year old crocodile working there?
Race: it's literally not in the anphibians nature to race one another. In fact they can't get their head around it and some of us lost a substantial amount of money in the effort.
Colour: Green... well if you had an iguana quality checking lettuices you'd lose him. (And there's also the danger of him mating with one)
Body Shape: No thumbs, 5 foot long tail, sharp claws and teeth. You sure you wouldn't discriminate against that?
Ethenic Origin: Most reptilian anphibians are decendants of the dinosaurs so out-age you and me. Would you hire someone with that reputation? I mean you wouldn't hire a ginger haired person as they'll have deadly viking genes. By the end of the day the cleaners won't know what's blood and what's ketchup!
Gender: Ever met a frog on its period? I have and I wouldn't let them in my shop. DEADLY! and they cry a lot.
Sexual Orientation: What if their sexual orientation was a fettish for Onions (medical term is `layerhardonium`) In my experience no oone wants to buy a Wet onion.
Family Status: What if their status on families are they hate families. so much so they'd slaughter every family that came through the door? No discimination still?
Religion: If they're Muslim I think at the least you should make them hand over their shoes... you know... just in case. Don't want a Richard Reid scenario on a busy saturday afternoon in the bread aisle. That would RUIN the shopping experience for all customers.
Disability: No arms or legs, no tongue, has cancer, pug nose and neck ache... what can this man contribute to the business?
HIV/AIDS: I understand that the Prime Minister HIVs an AID to help him with his day but why would shelf stackers need to HIV an AID? Does Tesco pay for the AID? Because they don't come cheap.

I think I've made my point. Perhap's you should review your policiy's and run them by me okay?

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown


From: HRSS Careline
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Tuesday, 23 December, 2008 15:00:11
Subject: RE: Bittter Sanguine

Good afternoon,

Thank you for your email.

All available in-store vacancies are to be found and applied for through the Careers link on our website, www.sainsburys.co.uk

We are an Equal Opportunities Employer and welcome applications from all members of the community. All applications are reviewed fairly, regardless of (but are not limited to), a person's age, race, colour, nationality, body shape, ethnic origin or community background, gender, sexual orientation, family status, religion or belief, disability, real or suspected, living with HIV/AIDS, differing working patterns, political/religious affiliation, ex-offender status or membership/non-membership of a Trade Union.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact our HR Shared Service Centre on 0845 602 3860. Hours of opening are Monday to Friday from 8.00am until 7.00pm and from 9.00am until 5.00pm on Saturdays.

Kind Regards,

Sainsbury’s HR Shared Service

P Please consider the environment before printing this email.


From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 23 December 2008 14:54
To: HRSS Careline
Subject: Re: Bittter Sanguine

Dear Sainsbury's HR Shared Service PP Tescos

Thank you for your recent response to my recent enquiry.

As Shared HR, what is your policy on hiring disproportionate people? Would my lone eye higher than the other get me rejected at the recruitment stage? What counds as offensively deformed?

Yours sincerely

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown


From: HRSS Careline
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Tuesday, 23 December, 2008 10:26:21
Subject: RE: Bittter Sanguine

Good morning,

Thank you very much for your email, however, as this is the email address for Sainsbury’s Recruitment enquiries we regret that we are unable to address your query.

Kind Regards,

Sainsbury’s HR Shared Service

P Please consider the environment before printing this email.


From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2008 19:58
To: HRSS Careline
Subject: Bittter Sanguine

Dear Tescos The Supermarketeers

Well. Well well well. I am disappointed. No disappointed is too week a word.... I am sanguine after a trip to my local discount Tescos in Norwich .

I was shocked, and if you will, appalled that you allow such funnily shaped people to work at your stores.. One understands each person has their own build and design - why I myself have one eye higher than t'other but in your Tescos the Supermarket Store, I did not see a single well proportioned member of staff.

Do you get them from the zoo? Do you coo at them from behind their bars? Do you tempt them in with... y'know... animal food? And put a blue chequered shirt on them and call them shelf stackers? Is that what you do?

One member of your staff who went by the name of `Billy-Bobby Zestyface` couldn't point to a shelf when I asked him `can you point me in the direction of the nearest shelf, Billy-Bobby Zestyface?`. As simple an order as a customer can give and all I received was a blank stare. I figured it out in the end by my own self.

I expect every single person in the company to be fired by noon tomorrow or I will personally tell you off. You are accountible and responsible for this. You and you alone. Oh, you'll have mutant blood on your hands if I see a single employee working for Tescos the Supermarket in 2010.

From then on, I will personally undertake the task of recruiting normal shaped staff as you are obviously not capable are you? ARE YOU!?

You will respond to this message within twenty four hours. I have made myself clear.

Benvolio Haversham-Brown




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Try something new today and visit www.sainsburys.co.uk for food and drink inspiration, financial services, latest product news and much more, or to shop online.

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Sainsbury's Supermarkets Limited (3261722 England )

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Monday, December 22, 2008

Could find an email adress for Tesco so I sent this to Sainsbury's instead

Subject Bitter Sanguine

Dear Tescos The Supermarketeers

Well. Well well well. I am disappointed. No disappointed is too week a word... I am sanguine after a trip to my local discount Tescos in Norwich.

I was shocked, and if you will, appalled that you allow such funnily shaped people to work at your stores. One understands each person has their own build and design - why I myself have one eye higher than t'other but in your Tescos the Supermarket Store, I did not see a single well proportioned member of staff.

Do you get them from the zoo? Do you coo at them from behind their bars? Do you tempt them in with... y'know... animal food? And put a blue chequered shirt on them and call them shelf stackers? Is that what you do?

One member of your staff who went by the name of `Billy-Bobby Zestyface` couldn't point to a shelf when I asked him `can you point me in the direction of the nearest shelf, Billy-Bobby Zestyface?`. As simple an order as a customer can give and all I received was a blank stare. I figured it out in the end by my own self.

I expect every single person in the company to be fired by noon tomorrow or I will personally tell you off. You are accountible and responsible for this. You and you alone. Oh, you'll have mutant blood on your hands if I see a single employee working for Tescos the Supermarket in 2010.

From then on, I will personally undertake the task of recruiting normal shaped staff as you are obviously not capable are you? ARE YOU!?

You will respond to this message within twenty four hours. I have made myself clear.

Benvolio Haversham-Brown

Retrospective on 2008

This year I...

* had a first anniversary

* moved house (only the once)

* changed department a zillion times

* got made a trainee manager

How lame is this? This is all I've acheived this year!!!

I don't normally do new years resolutions but desperate times, desperate tape measure 'n' all that.

Ben's 2009 Resolutions

* Be signed off as a fully fledged awesome manager


done

Friday, December 19, 2008

If you were writing cheques your body can't cash


You'd be doing that by now!

(La, I think it's important to our relationship that we look for Top Gun in the January sales!)

Monday, December 15, 2008

My Fun Day In Hariboland

I thought it had been a while since I've been to Hariboland so I took a little leasurely drive past the Alt key.
||||
Then I got into a race with some other guys
||||
AND I CAME JOINT FIRST!
||||
So to celebrate we made a human pyramid but it didn't break any records.
||||
And the frogs gave thanks to the snowman.
||||
And the snowman was appeased so we watched the sunset together pensievely.
||||
So home I went for another day. Happy.

The end.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

From The Week In Pictures

Every weekend The Telegraph publish a little collection of `pictures of the week` of querky interesring things from around the world. (Veterans of this blog might remember my captions - that's where thems was from)... anyway, this one fancied my tickle

Linky Link


`Batmobile gets a parking ticket outside the GMTV studios in London`

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Dear The Queen

Dear the Queen

I am Lord Eldridge Haversham-Brown of Koquemonmouthshire. We met once at a party in aid of Nelson Mandela. I remember you having one glass too many of that godorful wine and crying about the disolusion of the commonwealth. ``The black man has no right to the Cape!`` you cried - I had to restrain you from throwing vol-au-vents at the diploments if you remember. Good times.

Anyway, I understand my son, Benvolio Haversham-Brown wrote to you with a splendid idea for the Christmas speech not long ago. I trust by now you've had sufficient time to digest the idea and have come to the conclusion that the lad has a point. Sharp as a button he is. Good looking too.

But the poor lad hasn't eaten or drunken since sending you that electro-mail. He's barely even breathed if I'm honest with you (which I always am). Poor bugger just feels in the dark and wants to know how much money you'll give for him to script the entire speech. Did you know he spent eight solid months researching the extract he gave you? He sent an informal copy to the Mirror who described it as `the perfect communicative equilibrium between the elitist upper eschiloms of intellegensia society and talkin' to right proper common slags w/out konfusin dem lololol`.

The guy is rather modestful. He is infact very very very good and will still work for pittance.

So if you could get back to him sooner rather than laters then I for one would appreciate it.

Yours with faithfulness

Lord Eldridge Haversham-Brown

Transcript



7:12pmBenvolio

Do you want a cashmere sweater for Christmas?

7:15pmBen

ok

7:15pmBenvolio

what size collar are you?

7:17pmBenvolio

(not that I'm sizing up a crazy stalker noose or anything)

7:17pmBen

er

i have no idea

small though

7:17pmBenvolio

Small? right. Well I'll get you a selection and you can choose what you like and the ones you don't use you can take back and get a refund for and then you can take me out to a lovely ploughmans lunch

Benvolio

what's your favourite colour?

wait

let me guess

is it green?

Ben

sounds awesome!

probably black or grey

:0

:):)

7:23pmBenvolio

ah, now you see I'd have you down as a green person, but I was wrong.

wHen are What Jane Did Subsequently (thats's what I call them for a laugh) coming to N'arch? (that's what I call norwich for similar reasoning)

Ben

not sure unfortunately

7:27pmBenvolio

Ah shame, if they need a place to stay then we have a MASSIVE spare room or I can recommend some good hotels

or some bad ones but I won't bore you with data I assume you don't want to hear

Benvolio

Did you check my facesbooks group about you?

7:34pmBenvolio

Ben Adams? Are you still there, Ben Adams?































































:)


!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

!!I'M TALKING TO BEN ADAMS ON LINE RIGHT NOW!!!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Day 4 (mailshot)

Okay, MAR-JO-SIVE news!!!

This is even bigger than when Ben Adams changed his name to be more like me!!

In 2001 Ben Adams and me bet a friend called Jane that she couldnl't get pregnant as back then we thought skinny women couldn't get pregnant past a certain point as there wouldn't be room for a baby (or `faetus`) to grow. Anyway, the bet was that if she miscarried she owed us a pie and a pint EACH, but if she won and gave birth to a healthy baby, Ben and me would raise the child as our own.

Anyway, nine months later as Ben Adams was talking to Andy Peters on Top of the Pops with his first number one hit, while at the same time poor Jane was in labour screaming like a PoW and I was stuck in Willesdon Green*!

I didn't know who I let down more. On the one hand, poor Jane had no one to hold her hand and rumour has it skinny people suffer a lot more in child birth, but all Ben Adams had was hundreds of groupies, cocaine and his fame and fortune. They both needed me and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place on the District Line.

So in the end I rang the hospital to pass the message to Jane saying `sorry I couldn't make it but bros before hos` and walked to the top secret BBC TOTP studios to make sure Ben was coping okay.

By the time I got to the BBC poor Ben was no where to be found, apparently he went off on his private jet to Rio DJ Aero or somewhere with Louise Nurding and a bottle of bollinger. So I couldn't help poor old Ben Adams in the end so off I went back to the Oxford Circus Maternity Hospital to check if Jane needed any help. When I got there, apparentlly she had checked out and asked not to be contacted by Ben Adams and me... well just me.

In hindsight, I let two people down that night, lost two friends and my half of a half a baby.

So off I went back to Norfolk and stayed there feeling upset for a long time. Until today.

Jane got in contact with me today explaining that Ben Aams and me have a son called `John Leslie Adams` who is now 7.

Apparently she did tell Ben Adams and he just came up with this.

So now it's serious, we HAVE to put pressure on Ben Adams to get in contact with me so we can raise this child!!!! He owes this child a second chance.

!GET ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO JOIN THIS CAUSE!


* I had been hoping to go from Liverpool Street, to Oxford Circus (to the Oxford Circus Maternity Hopsital) thence to the BBC stop which is the secret stop on the Central Line and therefore do both friends at the same time, but I'm from Norfolk so I managed to get the wrong line and end up on the South Bank.

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Day 3



All my best tac-tics are failing now. Time to unvail the facesbooks petition group... I had to invite all of my 314 facesbooks friends BY HAND to raise the public awareness of this!!! I used a little hyperbole in reference to the depth of Ben Adam's and mine shared history but I think the effect is the same...

Member Count - 9

Dear Your Royalled Highness, Queen Elizabeth The Second (Of Two)

Well, it's that time of year again, is it not?! Yes, you've guessed it... Queen's speech!!

You must look forward to it all the year long, almost as much as me I dare say! Well this year we've had an interesting year haven't we? Olympics in China, Brown came into power in March, The Berlin Wall is still safely down, um, some pandas started mating, and who'd have thought it was Shannon Matthew's mum that did it!? (Let's hope they send Jerry McCann down, yeah?) Well, you probably can't comment on that and I won't turn your hand as that would be treason I dare say.

Well, with all due respect your majesties, but you're knocking on a bit and I recon you could do with a hand writing the old speech, 'eh? Welleth I, Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown hath the perfect solution. As a patriot, literary giant (soon to be published novelist, sucessful poetry riter) I am here to humby offer my services as a humber servant to yourself. It would be an honour to write the speech for you marm.

Here is a little taster. Perhaps you'd like to read this aloud or to the Duke of Edinburgh for some feedback (tell him I send my love). You might notice I've added a light hearted approach this year quoting a twee `comedy` act near the beginning. I feel this will knock ten years off you. I include the word `stonker` for similar effect.

Well my loyal subjects. It's me, Queen Elizabeth the second - no not the ship, possums!! I am the queen broadcasting live from Buckingham Palace - or as we like to call it - Windsor HQ!

*wait for ripple of amused applause accross the nation*.


It's been a stonker of a year hasn't it?! Hope yours has been good. We had the landing re-carpetted and bought a new dyson so all go here. It's a bluey greyish short pile twist. Nice really. 20 percent off too, yeah, got a voucher in the paper.

Anyway so the real stuff I want to talk about is what have YOU all been up to? Well why don't you text `Mjsty` to 810300 with some of your stories. Don't forget to leave your number so we can get you on air. Texts cost 25p, network charges may vary.

But now we go over live to The Duke Of Wales, Charles can you hear me?

`... yes... yes I think I've got you`

How is it in Wales?

`I never knew it was so wet! Has obviously been a wet year here, not what the nation is used to I shouldn't wonder. Excuse me sir, could you tell me how you've found this wet year?`

``Boyo``

`Haha, who knew? Back to you in the studio`


Thanks, Charles.



Well we have a text here from a General Sir Patrick Kielty of the 87th Batallion who asks ``Wt hppnd 2 Iraq, I'm cnfsd lololol!!!!!!``


Haha, well it's quite simple, General, we over threw a tyrant and are now rebuilding a nation to stand on its own two democratic feet and you're paying 89.9p a litre at the pumps.


Well that's about all we've got time for this year, tune in next year, same time same place when we'll be talking about the alien invasion, Obama's shocking `blacking` scandall and we'll be taking more of your questions.



*QEII talks over credits*



If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this public adress, then why not log onto our website, www.not_the_ship_queen_Elizabeth2.org.uk or alternatively write to us here for a stamped adressed envelope for our free factsheet.



Yours sincerely, Queen Elizabeth II (the second of two)




Let me know your thoughts,

Mr Benvolio Haversham-Brown

Monday, December 08, 2008

Day 2


Still no response...

Stalking Ben Adams on Facesbooks


Remember Ben Adams? He was the guy with curtains from that boy band A1... Anyway, he produced some music for my friend John Galea in Londons.

Well through John I've added Ben Adams to facesbooks and I'm making it my mission to get him to talk to me. So here's my diary of net-stalking Ben Adams on Facesbooks!

Phrases Google Hasn't Heard Of

  • "shines more than a cat"
  • "touched his face like a book of treason"
  • "the pelican's arthritis ached like doomsday Thursday"
  • "double barreled shot novel"
  • "paper aeroplane journey of discovery"

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Mmmm, Dianne Vickers

By the power of greyskull I will make sure I buy enough albums to ensure Dianne Vickers out-sells whoever wins the X Factor!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Sorry to break the roll of my epic novel

that carl and Garcia can't even be bothered to read and La only reads to keep me quiet but work is keeping me busy. Anyhoo, to pass the time here is an awesome video of Damien Rice and a quote from wikipedias

Damien Rice (born 7 December 1973) is an Irish rock singer. So far, he has released two studio albums: O in 2002, and 9 in 2006.