Zadie Smith, On Boo'ty (booy)!

I've wanted to read On Beauty for aages on the strength of the recommendations of friends and now we have a holiday I can read my first holiday book. w00t. Such a holiday as this is planned for the end of May so I should be well aquainted with the second chapter by then. mmm, nice.

I'll say something useful about the book when I've read it (in another ten months maybe?) but until then, read the first paragraph to White Teeth.

This might well be the bestest ever opening paragraph to a book in the whole world ever...

Early in the morning, late in the century, Cricklewood Broadway. At 06.27 hours on 1 January 1975, Alfred Archibold Jones was dressed in courdroy and sat in a fume-filled Cavalier Muskateer Estate face down on the steering wheel, hoping the judgement would not be too heavy upon him. He lay forward in a prostrate cross, jaw slack, arms splayed either side like some fallen angel; scrunched up in each fist he held his army service medsals (left) and his marriage licence (right), for he had decided to take his mistkaes with him. A little green light flashed in his eyes, signalling a right turn he had resolved never to make. He was resigned to it. He was preperaed for it. He had flipped a coin and stood staunchly by its conclusions. This was decided-upon suicide. In fact it was a New Years resolution.

Doesn't that first paragraph make you want to eat up that whole novel and suck it like a polaroid picture?!

Unforunately, White Teeth by Zadie Smith is a book that's bigger than my brains which is the reason I'm currently reading On Beauty instead. Happy days.

26 days later...

Dear Charlotte

What a lovely name you have. I have named several of my specimens `Charlotte` over my many yurs of expeditions... Not that you're a specimen at all. And if you were, you'd likely as not be something amazing like the South Peru Lava bug's first Lavae stages of mitosis!!

Now back to the issue at hand... Seeing as I have many many theories and papers and all manor of scientifical know-how in the old noggin' (that's brain) perhaps there is something else you could help with.

Please feel free to comment on what you are able to help with and we can mix-and match our wherewithalls. Here is a brief list of some of my theories:

• `The Theory of San Tropais` - a paper in which I associate the effect of a butterfly flittings it's wings and the performance of Hedge Funds of investment companies to see the limits of `Chaos Theery` (incomplete)
  
• `The Thoery of Hungry Habits` - a lecture i gave in Middlesex about the relationship between migratonal habits of domestic dogs and undomesticated ones. (inconclusive)
  
• `The Divine Beaker` - A unpublished book written by yours trully (me) in the mid eighties about the Effect of the Lord most high's Holy intervention of empirical scientific practise... namely particle acceleration and charge fields. (inconclusive)
  

Yours with sincerely

Dr Benjamin F Foster

----- Original Message ----
From: Education
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Thursday, 31 July, 2008 2:00:48 PM
Subject: RE: Theory Of Everything

Dear Benjamin,



I’m afraid this is not something we can help you with. Good luck with your investigation.



Kind regards

Charlotte
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(my e-mail in case forgotten)
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From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 05 July 2008 21:01
To: Education
Subject: Theory Of Everything



Dear The Royal Society

I was reading a book the other day and apparently physacists are struggling to find a grand Theory Of Everything (hereinafter refered to as TOE).

As I basicly have an 'A' level in physics (I say basicly, I didn't turn up to my Waves and Particles exam as I got the wrong day!!!!) I thought I'd lend you a hand.

Knowing that the Electromagnetic, weak and strong forces are all nicely unified, and you only need a link betwixt these and the Gravitational force (g), I did a bit of number crunching and after a handful of hours I managed to do it!!!

If we assume the three unified forces can be assumed as f(Ɵ), and the gravitational force deonted as f(g), then we can safely assume

f(Ɵ) α f(g) => f(Ɵ) = k.f(g)

Now if we substitute k with a string of real numbers denoted by scampi (Ϡ) we see a non-linear relationship between the two functions...

f(Ɵ) = Ϡ{1..78} f(g) :. f(Ɵ) / f(g^{1..78}) = Ϡ

By simply epiricly calculating the value for scampi, all the forces in the universe are unified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me know your thoughts.

Dr. Benjamin F Foster