Dear Mr Chris Tomlin

Dear Mr Chris Tomlin

I'll make this quick....

you recently asked `how great is our God`, well assuming we wership the saim God and my theology is correct... then:

Imagine Four double decker buses on top of Saint Paul's Cathedral atop the Empire State Building (in America) satnding on tip toes... then imagine the great wall of china is laid out and all straight... but with hadrian's wall at the begining as a sort of wallish preample... then you have to imagine the two tied together with toit elastics... think of how far away the first decker of the first bus is away from the last brick of the great wall is... that's massive yeah?

Better still right, imagine the sun and pluto - they're miles away right, so imagine that but then imagine they've fallen out over whose turn it is to take the bin out or something and pluto has gone to another galaxy to stay with his joint custody parent stella system... that's a really big distance innit?

Actually, forget that yeah - imagine instead a betrayed bloody half naked Jew butchered to a cross while people point at him and go `uuhh, if you was God yeah you'd like get down now wuncha? Such a dick'ead!` and then imagine him forgivin the guys who give him the most sarcastic purple robe ever and who irreverently poke the side of his dead body with spear just to make sure he's dead... And imagine him being as dead as you can get and then trapped in a tomb and then imagine him goin `w00t w00t! Who's risen now, Disciples?!` (him) and then John quietly going `listen, about that betrayal - I didn't realise the cock would take that long to crow...` and then the Jew going `your sins are forgiven you 'n' that`

Imagined that? Well that's how great Mr Tomlin. I hope this has cleared up the matter and you can go back to making some of the most holy music ever to be made.

Yours in Christ

Benarblo

26 days later...

Dear Charlotte

What a lovely name you have. I have named several of my specimens `Charlotte` over my many yurs of expeditions... Not that you're a specimen at all. And if you were, you'd likely as not be something amazing like the South Peru Lava bug's first Lavae stages of mitosis!!

Now back to the issue at hand... Seeing as I have many many theories and papers and all manor of scientifical know-how in the old noggin' (that's brain) perhaps there is something else you could help with.

Please feel free to comment on what you are able to help with and we can mix-and match our wherewithalls. Here is a brief list of some of my theories:

• `The Theory of San Tropais` - a paper in which I associate the effect of a butterfly flittings it's wings and the performance of Hedge Funds of investment companies to see the limits of `Chaos Theery` (incomplete)
  
• `The Thoery of Hungry Habits` - a lecture i gave in Middlesex about the relationship between migratonal habits of domestic dogs and undomesticated ones. (inconclusive)
  
• `The Divine Beaker` - A unpublished book written by yours trully (me) in the mid eighties about the Effect of the Lord most high's Holy intervention of empirical scientific practise... namely particle acceleration and charge fields. (inconclusive)
  

Yours with sincerely

Dr Benjamin F Foster

----- Original Message ----
From: Education
To: Benjamin Foster
Sent: Thursday, 31 July, 2008 2:00:48 PM
Subject: RE: Theory Of Everything

Dear Benjamin,



I’m afraid this is not something we can help you with. Good luck with your investigation.



Kind regards

Charlotte
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(my e-mail in case forgotten)
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From: Benjamin Foster [mailto:benvolio_1987@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 05 July 2008 21:01
To: Education
Subject: Theory Of Everything



Dear The Royal Society

I was reading a book the other day and apparently physacists are struggling to find a grand Theory Of Everything (hereinafter refered to as TOE).

As I basicly have an 'A' level in physics (I say basicly, I didn't turn up to my Waves and Particles exam as I got the wrong day!!!!) I thought I'd lend you a hand.

Knowing that the Electromagnetic, weak and strong forces are all nicely unified, and you only need a link betwixt these and the Gravitational force (g), I did a bit of number crunching and after a handful of hours I managed to do it!!!

If we assume the three unified forces can be assumed as f(Ɵ), and the gravitational force deonted as f(g), then we can safely assume

f(Ɵ) α f(g) => f(Ɵ) = k.f(g)

Now if we substitute k with a string of real numbers denoted by scampi (Ϡ) we see a non-linear relationship between the two functions...

f(Ɵ) = Ϡ{1..78} f(g) :. f(Ɵ) / f(g^{1..78}) = Ϡ

By simply epiricly calculating the value for scampi, all the forces in the universe are unified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me know your thoughts.

Dr. Benjamin F Foster

Atlas Butterfly

I couldn't work out how to directly link so here is a copy paste from:

http://internetsdairy.livejournal.com/

...But! It turns out that not only are the hummingbirds in cages with a very fine mesh, there is a roped-off exclusion zone of a couple of metres in front of the hummingbird cages themselves. Hummingbirds are pretty small - it's only recently that biologists realised they weren't flying germs - so all you can really see is a sort of darting silhouette that could be any animal at all, really. A bee. A donkey. A tapir.

Still, I did get to see the Atlas moth, the biggest moth in the world. Here's one next to a handy hand to indicate scale:


Actually, that hand is not a good indication of scale at all, is it? It might belong to a doll, or a giant, for all you know.

This is better: an Atlas moth filling the interior of St Paul's Cathedral. The downdraft from its wings has just knocked over a London bus:


Atlas moths only live for about ten days, and they don't have mouths. Might these two facts be related? Stupid creatures.

Profound Thought Of The Day

Neutradol doesn't kill flies. Raid does. Quick slippers do. Quick fists don't. Spiders do.

Profound Thought Of The Day

They call me hell
They call me stacey
They call me her
They call me jane
That's not my name ffs
!

Pig Italian

Andiamo Italiano next year in vacanzo. Ho Bizogno di speak Italian Là. Ma adesso abbiamo chicken tikka on il table.

caio

Profound Thought Of The Day

When putting the washing on one of those whirlygig things to dry, make one side reserved for smaller items - angle that into the sun and voila - none of the washing is in shaddow from sheets and shirts and the like which block the sun. I like to put socks on this side and thicker items like jumpers and bath mats on the opposite so they catch the most sun). Thinner items like sheets and shirts on the face normal to the sunlight that dry fastest.

I was impressed with myself for working that out today :)

Profound thought of the day...

.......................................

Don't really have the energy. Um...........

pffffffffffffffffffffft.

Blow not sniff.

There we go.

Am trying it to shut La up.

Bloody hayfever

The Guv'nur

You may have noticed the multi-million pound investment into the re-branding of this blog. I feel it adds value to the commerciality of my operation.

(I was told in an interview the other day that that's called `talking a good game`... not really a positive point)

Women BISHOPS?! OMGWTFROFLMAO!

Currently, women in the Anglican church serve God with cake sales... taking them away from this to serve as a Bishopess leaves men to do the baking. Men as we all know were designed by God to fight wars; grow beards and eat cake made by the women. The effect of having a man (hereafter refered to as a MAN because this is written by a Christian MAN and all Christian MEN feel the need to define themselves as masculine) would be that the whole parish -> diocese -> denomination will be struck down with the seven deadly plagues of bad cooking:

- Dissintry
- Flatulance
- Legionairres
- Putting God in a cake box
- Foot and mouths
- Black death
- Regular death

Wiping out the bulk of the parishioners leaves a vacuum of condinsending and twee behaviour in the shires thereby raising the general moral of the country.

This moral boost comes at a good time while petrol costs 178.9p/litre and bread costs the same as a quintupple of JD+Coke. The general public will be happier that there are fewer Christians moaning all the time and so the country will be more productive. City bonuses will reach an all time high and the value of the FTSE100 will show steady economic growth and because people will be happy, import/export duty will be reduced so the DOW and EURO will also increase. This increase of economic power will marginalise China's dominance and thus their schedules for industrial expansion will underperform. Thus China's only response will have to be to turn to democtratic capitolism. This liberalisation will also infer that China's dependance on the African labour force will also have to bow to trade unions and Amnesty International's demands for the enforcement of basic human rights.

Africa's new stable work force and economic plans will involve state run sponsorship of infrastructure and investment in health policy, literally making poverty history.

Finally, while the world pulls itself up by its boot-straps, the only people to suffer will be the Anglican women bishops, who, husband-less confused and broody regress to the feral woman state of talking about kittens and knitting.

TOE

Dear The Royal Society

I was reading a book the other day and apparently physacists are struggling to find a grand Theory Of Everything (hereinafter refered to as TOE).

As I basicly have an 'A' level in physics (I say basicly, I didn't turn up to my Waves and Particles exam as I got the wrong day!!!!) I thought I'd lend you a hand.

Knowing that the Electromagnetic, weak and strong forces are all nicely unified, and you only need a link betwixt these and the Gravitational force (g), I did a bit of number crunching and after a handful of hours I managed to do it!!!

If we assume the three unified forces can be assumed as f(Ɵ), and the gravitational force deonted as f(g), then we can safely assume

f(Ɵ) α f(g) => f(Ɵ) = k.f(g)

Now if we substitute k with a string of real numbers denoted by scampi (Ϡ) we see a non-linear relationship between the two functions...

f(Ɵ) = Ϡ{1..78} f(g) :. f(Ɵ) / f(g^{1..78}) = Ϡ

By simply epiricly calculating the value for scampi, all the forces in the universe are unified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me know your thoughts.

Dr. Benjamin F Foster

When the BEEB makes stuff like this, I re-consider not having a licence....

Right,

click this linky link, select woman's voice and add the following text and then click `say it`

fergalicious definition make them boys go loco.
They always claim they know me get their pleasures from my photo.
I`m the F to the E R G then to the I E cant no other lady put it down like me. I`m fergalicious!

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how come every time you come around my london-london-bridge wanna go down like... london london lonDON wanna go down like...
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what you gonna do, with, all, that junk. all, that, junk up in your trunk?
To-find out the answer, lis en more.

My plan as it stands is to get-get-get you drunk. Get you love drunk off my hump. my hump my hump. my hump my hump my hump. my hump. my hump my hump.

My lovelly lady lumps.

eyem goin to make make make you work! make you work- work make you work.
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this! IS! SPARTA! (- in male voice)

42 Day Detention

To those pious enough to quote the 40th clause of the Magna Carta
``To none will we sell, to none will we deny or delay the right to justice``

Read on...

``THE City of London shall have all the old Liberties and Customs [which it hath been used to have]. Moreover We will and grant, that all other Cities, Boroughs, Towns, and the Barons of the Five Ports, and all other Ports, shall have all their Liberties and free Customs.``

Grr fuzz naive liberalists