Not to over-do it,

But these are my personal top 5 Matt cartoons of the year:

Sorry if this overlaps with another recent post, but I recently got my computer working again and I'd made this list ages ago with the intention of posting to the bloggysphere

cheeky buggers

Seniour Rail conductors for Central Railways are striking for three days over the holidays on:

24th December
30th December
1st January

I bet turnout at the pickett line was slim.

Sorry it's late,

But have a generally merry Christmas my hard bloggin' amigoes!!

Matt's The Best of the Year! (By Telegraph)



Cash For Honours








Bird Flu




Summer's London Water Shortage

'Tis the Season

`Let me tell you about the greatest story ever told. Cast your mind back to 1997...`


Harrods releases its singing bauball range.


Dr Rowan: `Hmm, says here Jesus was born in a stable. God knows what he was thinking...`


Afghanistan's Interior Minister supports the sacking of `Tourism and leisure Poster comittee`


`So this guy comes up and is all like `I got WMDs` and I'm all like `Ye-huuh! come over here 'n' wield that` so he comes over and is all like `What you gonna do bout it?` so I'm all up in his Northern Territories whippin' ass and toplling his regime. I'm the king of this world, dawg `


`I only went into an NHS hospital with an in-growing toenail and got infected with this`

`... me too.`

Video Conference From the Al Qu'aida Board Room

`And this is to you, Mr Blair, if you carry on investing in alternative fuels we will be forced to downscale our operation, so don't. Or ... ` [aside] `Hey, Al Jeff`, *whispering* `...good idea` [to Blair] `We'll suiside bomb non-descript bits of the middle East!`.

Day 2

I don't know if this is too outspoken a question to ask, but do David Cameron and Mr Letwin get on okay? Like I said, Dave is akin to a snot in my eyes and I think of Mr Letwin as better than that. Do you think Mr Letwin would make a good Prime Minister, Ms Charles?

I tried to search for tory party on the old google web as you suggested and couldn't find it, do you have a link to them?

Yours sincerely

Benvolio `Ben` Foster

-

Yes, they do get on well.

Try www.conservatives.com

-

It's good to hear that Mr Letwin and David Cameron get on okay - I expect Mr Letwin is being the bigger man in it all. I respect him for that.

Many thanks for the link, here are some facts I thought you might like from the Party Website...
-The name "conservative" was used by George Canning as early as 1824 and was first popularized by John Wilson Croker in the Quarterly Review in 1830.
- `For every acre of [children's recreational] play space, there are 80 acres of golf club space in Wales`.

How is your day going, Ms Charles? Do you enjoy working for Mr Letwin?

Yours sincerely

Ben Foster

A Day Harassing the Shadow Chairman of Policy Review and Chairman of the Conservative Research Department. (Oldest First)

Dear Mr Letwin,

Following my email to you of 6 December 2006, I am pleased to attach more jokes that I hope will be of use to you.

I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I have finding them for you.

If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to email me back on this address or ring me on [mobono].

I look foreward very much to hear from you.

Yours sincerely

Benvolio Foster
Enc.



Q: How does the barber cut the Moon's hair?
A: E-clipse it!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie into it!

Q: Why did the worker at the M&M® factory get fired?
A: He threw all the Ws away!

Q: What's a wombat for?
A: Playing womball!

Q: What's gray and has a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation!

Q: What's black, white, and terrifying?
A: A maths test!

Q: What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Indian Ocean?
A: "Try and be more Pacific!"

Q: What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Indian Ocean?
A: Nothing, they just waved!

Q: What do farmers use to count their cows?
A: A cow-culator!

Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Don't look now, but something between us smells!

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!

-

Thank you for your e-mail, which I shall be sure Oliver Letwin sees.

ANGELA CHARLES

-

Thank you for your recepit of confirmation of my email.

Please make sure that if Mr Letwin is in need of any other jokes I am available on the contact details given previously.

Many Thanks

Benvolio Foster
-

Many thanks. It is most kind of you – but I think Mr Letwin has enough jokes to be getting on with for the time being.

Best wishes.

Angela Charles

-

I'm delighted to hear that Mr Letwin has enough jokes for the time being. Although telling jokes isn't an essential part of being Shaddow Chancellor, I understand it is still an important aspect.

If he wishes it, I might also be able to provide amusing pictures, entertaining captions for normal pictures or post a copy of the Radio Times with all the sit-coms highlighted. I am also working on a stand-up routine entitled `David Cameron ate my girlfriend` he might also like to preview.

Many thanks in advance for your consideration.

Yours sincerely

Benvolio Foster

P.s, Happy Christmas!

-

Thank you – you are most kind.

Incidentally, Mr Letwin is no longer Shadow Chancellor – and hasn’t been since the last general election. He is Chairman of Policy Review and Chairman of the Conservative Research Department.

Can I please contact you again if he should require further material?

In the meantime, happy Christmas.

Angela Charles

-

Dear Ms Charles,

May I ask if the reason Mr Letwin is no longer Shadow Chancellor is anything to do with David Cameron? Between you and me I don't really trust him. What does Mr Letwin's new job entail? And what does George Osborne do now, I like him too. Does the shadow cabinet have a website I can peruse?

If Mr Letwin does need any other material he need only ask. I'm a great supporter of traditional tory values like free market and stuff. Would you like me to send you some captions I have made for David Cameron? I assure you they're most entertaining.

Yours sincerely

Benvolio Foster
p.s, please call me Ben

---------------
After such a fun day, I think Mr Letwin Deserves a caption:

``Why did the M&M worker throw away all the Ws? No that's not right...``

Top 5 Things TV Should Have More Of

1. More Ghost Hunting with Girls Aloud
2. "
   
3. "
   
4. "
   
5. More Lucy Griffiths
   

I'm Astonished That The Stars Can Tell Bank Opening Times

There may be a minor breakdown in communication today. Remember, the banks close early. Besides that, you have done more than your stint of hard work lately. Now it’s time to reward yourself. Indeed, you could wangle something this weekend you have already paid for – metaphorically speaking. - Daily Star Horroscopes

Top 5 celebrity Chickens

1. Chicken
2. Foghorn Leghorn
3. Babs
4. Joey & Chandler's pet
5. The Vicious Chicken of Bristol
   

So I've decided to live my life according to my horroscope in the Daily Star...

"Simply The Best, 7 Days a week"

You may want some time off – and your wish will soon be granted. At least you should find comfort within the family today. But you know what your main responsibility is – others’ wellbeing. However, you have more to offer – more than just working as a housekeeper. Isn’t it time others realised your true worth?

World Affairs

Linky Link

From the Socialist Worker

Earlier today, the Tories issued a statement to the house of commons calling for an immediate blanket ban on prostitutes following the disappearance of three sex workers in Suffolk this week. In his announcement to the house; Shadow Home Secretary, MP for West Dorset and VIP member of `it's Thursday and it's Gay!` night at Bollo's Pub Rt Hon. Oliver Letwin declared:

``The number of Prostitutes both working and sciving in the country is simply intollerable and thank Betsy-of-the-Heavens for my good friend the Rt Hon. George Osbourne for making a start in the culling of these prods.``

His words left the Labour cabinet stuck for words for several moments as his address was meant to focus on NHS reform, however, Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown retorted his remarks with this:

``This party has seen the most constant steady rise in the services Britain's prostitutes provide since coming to power. We are second only to Holland in terms of both the clinical health of sex workers and hands-on technical ability.``

The Speaker of the commons, Mr Julian Clarey brought order to the house after both Mr David Cameron and Mr Ding Campbell showed clear contempt for the Chancellor's remarks. Sir Ding Campell went on to say:

``Will the chancellor once and for all give the House a definate answer as to whether he plans to tax the revenue of Britains sex workers or will he infer more and more phantom taxes like the 2001 Prostitute Conjestion Charges of Greater London` which can leave many of Britain's Prostitutes broke and confused after a hard evenings work?``

Gordon Brown left the question unanswered but retorted with reference to his Rage Against Beige campaign which aims to revolutionise the hitherto boring image of the state treasury department.

Mr Letwin, who by now had mysteriously adopted a peerage and a sainthood, appealed to the speaker that the Cabinet had not the inclination to cut the number of prostitutes on Britain's streets but fell asleep mid sentence.

George Osborne is expected to issue a report next week outlining a scheme to re-think the populisation of Britain's prostitutes.

Top 5 Websites

1. Linky Link
2. Linky Link
3. Linky Link
4. Linky Link and Linky Link
5. Linky Link

Top 5 Girls (Alood)

1. Nicola Roberts
2. Kimberly Walsh
3. Sarah Harding
4. Nadine Coyle
5. Cheryl Cole
   

Top 5 Cartoons (alias, Top 5 reasons for failing at school)

1. Wile e Coyote
2. Dangermouse
3. Spongebob
   
4. Futurama
5. Family Guy
   

Cash-for-Peerages Police widen their search...

Interesting Fact For Helselata

UPS, the American deliveries conglomerate own the color [sic] brown as a registered trade mark.


Linky Link

Family Tree

Donald Rumsfeld on Iraq

Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red

John Reid on Terrorism:

It's black and the terrorist's gone

Matt

When you think of `multiculturalism`...

... Do you automaticly think of British Muslims?

One of the virtues of my job is that I can listen to BBC radio 4 from 2.15's afternoon play right through to whatever B list ex-politician is debating whichever sub-editor from the Independant at 10.30pm, and for all the multicultural representation hosted by the BBC, `multicultural Britain` seems to either be Christians moaning at stuff (surprise surprise) or Muslims trying to convince the public they're not all extremists.

Don't get me wrong, I can't echo what Tony says here more:

"Conform to [the temporate state of Britain]; or don't come here. We don't want the hate-mongers, whatever their race, religion or creed.

"If you come here lawfully, we welcome you. If you are permitted to stay here permanently, you become an equal member of our community and become one of us. The right to be different. The duty to integrate. That is what being British means." - Tony Blair 8/12/2006

But it occured to me that multicultualism doens't mean Muslims coming into Britain and being allowed to worship as they choose, but the concept of multiculturism and multicultural representation is inexorably inclusive of Britain's Hindu's, Sikh's and Woganites, so why is it that these don't come into the listings of politicaly correct media?

I'm too lazy to recall the programmes that made me question the proportionality of religious minorities, but even if you've heard all the endless issues of liberty with which the Muslim Council of Great Britain or the Muslim Association of Britain* choose to concern themselves, unless I'm desperately mistaken, I can't recall hearing the Hindu Council UK announcing themselves as the nation's perennial victim.

So to further Mr Blair's speech: Don't ban taboos, ban `winterval`! Don't ban diversity, ban extremism that comprimises ``What being British Means``! Don't ban patriotism, ban exam essay questions that start with ``Imagine you are on a 19th century slave ship``! Don't ban thoughtcrime, but exhonourate herritage and vindicate the progressive liberalism and values we ourselves earned! Teach the nation about William Wilberforce and Emmeline Pankhurst, not the icons of the tyranny to which they were opposed.

Let us remember that Britain is indeed a Great Nation and devolution, multiculturalism, the absolution of the British Empire and political correctness don't water down the traits of liberty that makes Britain Great! But most of all for goodness' sake don't let the persuit of these utopic ideals comprimise their manifestation! What I mean is if the MCB are offended think whether the resolve comprimises the distaste. Similarly, if a Christian objects to something, the question must be asked if what they're offended at is in the interest of the wider conservable value of liberty. Classic examples, I suppose would be winterval, where the introduction of Duckspeak is at the expense of national identity. Another would be of the Christians objecting to the Jerry Springer opera where it was at the expense of art and the enjoyment of many people. Like Jesus Himslef says,

``You are like the man who picks a fly out of his soup then swallows a camel!`` - Matthew 23:24

But this all brings me very nicely in full circle. When you think of multiculturalism, do you think of Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists or any other minority [complaining]? Does the word `religion` conjour up any immediate thought other than Christian or Muslim? Does `worship` have any other immediate connotations other than Church or Mosque? Or Does `extremism` have any other perpetrators other than Bible belt Hinnists, or bearded bombers?

I rest my case: In post-Christian Britain, BBC / Home Office Political Correctness gone too far infers biculturalism in the name of multiculturalism, and a dichotomy in the name of liberty.

---

* who somehow perceived Mr Blair's speech as ``concerning and alarming``.

Craig Brown - The Way Of The World

Craig Brown is one of my favourite satirists (and unsurprisingly for me, works for the Telegraph).

An extract from today's article:

August 19: David Cameron seeks to attract the ethnic vote by condemning slavery as "really not very pleasant at all, and certainly not something we would wish to encourage". But this sets off a reaction amongst diehard Tories. On the Today programme, the chairman of the A Slave Can Be Very Handy Round the Home pressure group condemns the wording of Cameron's attack on hard-working slave-traders as "ill-chosen and intemperate" and seeks to correct the impression that contemporary slavery is cruel. "What people don't understand is that these days they have all the modern luxuries on board the slave ships," he says. "The whips are by all the top designers, and all the research shows that there are great health benefits to energetic rowing for long periods of time in a place wholly free from harmful sun rays. And anyway, we prefer not to call them slaves these days: we call them Shackled Friends."

Linky Link

Top Five Numbers

1. pi
2. i (root of minus 1)
3. phi
4. 3*10⁸ (the speed of light in SI - the only worldly thing you can EVER be sure of)
5. 10 (it's probably the only times table I know)
   

Should Music Be Illigal

Pillius D'rumer Already linked to this but to those who don't read his blog (you should!) read this...

Linky Link

Top Five Jews

1. Jesus Christ
   
2. Ariel Sharon
3. King David
4. Abraham
5. Fritz Haber
   

More Matt

The Best Thing I've Seen On The Web In A Long Time

Linky Link

Straight Edge

This was on Radi 4 not long ago. Thought it was very interesting.

Linky link

It's a punk exctraction where the people say TRUE rebellion and unconformity is where they don't smoke, take drugs or alcohol. They do crazy punk stuff like start fights with frat boys n that, but the don't pollute themselves in being hardcore.

Is worth a read I think, especially if you're into youth, like Dave.

William McGonagall - The Worst Poet of English History

Linky Link

The Christmas Goose

Mr. SMIGGS was a gentleman,
And he lived in London town;
His wife she was a good kind soul,
And seldom known to frown.

'Twas on Christmas eve,
And Smiggs and his wife lay cosy in bed,
When the thought of buying a goose
Came into his head.

So the next morning,
Just as the sun rose,
He jump'd out of bed,
And he donn'd his clothes,

Saying, "Peggy, my dear.
You need not frown,
For I'll buy you the best goose
In all London town."

So away to the poultry shop he goes,
And bought the goose, as he did propose,
And for it he paid one crown,
The finest, he thought, in London town.

When Smiggs bought the goose
He suspected no harm,
But a naughty boy stole it
From under his arm.

Then Smiggs he cried, "Stop, thief!
Come back with my goose!"
But the naughty boy laugh'd at him,
And gave him much abuse.

But a policeman captur'd the naughty boy,
And gave the goose to Smiggs,
And said he was greatly bother'd
By a set of juvenile prigs.

So the naughty boy was put in prison
For stealing the goose.,
And got ten days' confinement
Before he got loose.

So Smiggs ran home to his dear Peggy,
Saying, "Hurry, and get this fat goose ready,
That I have bought for one crown;
So, my darling, you need not frown."

"Dear Mr Smiggs, I will not frown:
I'm sure 'tis cheap for one crown,
Especially at Christmas time --
Oh! Mr Smiggs, it's really fine."

"Peggy. it is Christmas time,
So let us drive dull care away,
For we have got a Christmas goose,
So cook it well, I pray.

"No matter how the poor are clothed,
Or if they starve at home,
We'll drink our wine, and eat our goose,
Aye, and pick it to the bone."

Top Five Fruits of Paying a TV Licence

1. BBC 1's Robin Hood
2. Radio 4's the Today Programme
3. BBC 1's Jane Eyre
   
4. Channel 4 News (bar the theme as La's somehow allergic to it)
5. BBC Radio Norfolk's Sue Marchant

Bottom Five Cons of the TV Licence

1. All Soap Operas (except Hollyoaks obviously)
2. BBC news & Local TV News
   
3. All of the day time shows about people selling their junk at car boots or auctions, or lame people trying property development.
   
4. Radio 2's Steve Wright in the Afternoon
5. ITV's Loose Women
   

Popular Music That's a Bit Modern

Lately I've been listening to modern `music` a lot more, here are some favoured tunes:

• Fall Out Boy - This Aint A Scene
• Girls Aloud (hmmm) - Something reminiscant of the concept of `Oooh`
• Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (think this was voted single of the year. Good choice)
  

Now I think of it, that's about it.

Don't forget if you're in Norwich on Wednesday, John Galea is playing the Wine Press!!!!!!!!

Top Five Sex Positions

Continuing the trend of Top Fives.

1. Catholic Abstenence - No sex before marriage (where marriage is defined as everything after the wedding ceremony) and no contraception is permitted.
2. Pagan Moon Rites - Sex to be practised twice a year at the solstice between the elder and his choice of cumly maid'.
3. Hippi Free Love - Anything for decontructing modernist social paradigms.
   
4. Ron Jermy - Anything for money.
5. Carry on 1970s smut - Soft porn by any other name...
   

Awesome Don't Do Arson...

... But if they did, they'd probably be the best explosions in the world.

Linky Link

Captions

Slim Pickings from www.telegraph.co.uk

I don't know but I've been told....
Every girl wants belly to hold!




All I want is for you to tell me you love me every once in a while. My mother warned me not to be civily partnered to you!


Please drive on to pay at Window ú


London commutors agree the road transport system might need a re-think


Okay, I'll proove I have policies to you [haitus] There! You have two policies just there! Why how many do you want in a manifesto?


Anyone think of a caption?

Ben's bits of bobs

* This is by far and away the very funniest thing I've heard on radio 4 comedy for a very long time. Worth a listen if you get round to it. (Takes about tens mins to get funny and presenter sounds like Jude Law) Linky Link

* This is certainly worth a read Re: environmental impact of Christmas carding. Linky Link

* I'm in charge at work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I think it's a terrible decision by management but it's good for my CV.

* I miss Kendall mintcake. (There was an article on the Goodlife the other day in the Telegraph and I think seeing Barbara Good reminded me...)

* The All Saints recon: ``I got my ass in check`` and I'm yet to discover what this means.

* John Galea's performing at the Wine Press on Wed 6th (which I can't get off work. Grr, Fuzz!)

* Pinch punch first of the month!